


Hellfire Paradise

by sylleth



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Demons, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, F/M, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Monsters, Nightmares, Purgatory, Romance, Smut, supernatural hunts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-12-28
Updated: 2015-07-18
Packaged: 2018-01-06 11:17:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 69,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1106181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sylleth/pseuds/sylleth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Love is the thing that corrodes the mind and pushes it to do the unimaginable. Love is the thorn that barbs into your flesh and makes you bleed a slow, torturous death. Love is the prison that confines you to the unending darkness that absorbs chunks of your sanity with each fleeting second. Love is an immortals worst nightmare." ― Dahlia L. Summers</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, thank you for the reviews (if I get any) and I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoy writing it :)
> 
> -Sylleth

**There's No Remedy For A Memory**  
  
I don't think Crowley ever loved me. Just saying that off the back. No, I'm not trying to start an argument so someone can start assuring me about 'what's there not to love' and all that pity banter. I don't want that. Simply, I think it's the truth. After all, Crowley is a demon. And, in all truth, demons don't love no matter how romantic you get. But…they do seem to get rather possessive. If something was theirs they didn't want others touching it, especially if it was the King of Hell that decided he liked something. Which also, in all truth, was not romantic. Trust me; you do not want a possessive demon to take a liking in you. It may be fun and cute at first but, believe when I say it turns into a nightmare filled with suffering, hatred, and loss.  
  
See, the big problem was-is that I loved him. Still love him, for that matter. And hate him. Loath him with every fiber of my being and wish the worst possible suffering unto him…even if I know I'd take his place in a heartbeat. Even though I'd willingly cut my own throat if it meant his survival, even his happiness, if such a thing existed in the demon world. I love Crowley, and he doesn't love me, and I'm okay with that.  
  
My only regret, the only _real_ regret I have is that…well…I suppose that doesn't matter anymore. Does it?


	2. Everybody's Rushing Me

Today was one of _those_ days. Work was hell, the customers were hell, the weather was hell. Like the universe decided to have a day of fun and shit all over my existence. Above all, my car had to break down and Bobby was out of town. No one to pick me up…so after a nine hour shift in a crummy restaurant with complaining customers and poor tips, I had to walk nearly ten miles in the cold fall weather, huddling in a worn jacket and the rather thin waitress uniform.  
  
At this point I would have much rather gone with Bobby, or for him for that matter, to get that hunt of a nasty poltergeist done. Problem was, was that I wasn't exactly the hunter type. Well, I could hunt, just not as good as Bobby or the boys. So I took on the task of watching the house for the next few days. That was always an exciting time, answering phones and doing the research Bobby normally did. Which also, I wasn't as good as Bobby at that. In fact, compared to the older hunter I was basically incompetent in most skills other than cooking. Trust me; I wasn't great at that either. Just better than someone who once managed to set fire while cooking spaghetti. I'm also not exaggerating when I say that Bobby was a renowned genius in the world of hunting. I was all sorts of unbelievably lucky to be raised by him.  
  
Before I get much further, I want you to know that to me Bobby might as well have been a father. I had one and I loved him very much, but when he died along with my mother, entirely different story, I was left to Bobby. He, of course, did his best to try and get me into a "normal" home. Even tried send me off to my grandparents who lived back in England. Never cared for them much seeing as they basically disowned my mother. But after lots of running off, protesting, a bit of crying and lots of shouting; Bobby finally caved. At nine years old I clawed my way into his life and refused to let go. Don't tell him this, but I think he's glad that I did. Since then he did the best he could to raise me, trying to keep me from the world of hunting, or at least the dangerous bits of actually going out in the field.  
  
Which would bring me here; fifteen years later freezing and shivering walking the creaky steps of his old house; my home. Knowing that I'd be getting another sleepless night of staying up, taking calls, pretending to be chief of police and the FBI. Even before I stopped in front of the door I began to look for my keys. Patting my pockets, and rummaging through my purse. Only an army knife and some old receipts. Again I searched the pockets of my coats but found nothing. There was a moment in which I just stood still, glaring at the door as if it might have been the Devil itself before letting out a loud string of curses. Sure I could break my way in through a window or pick the lock. But that wasn't the point. It truly felt like the universe was working against me today, piling up menial things so I'd lose patience one little event at a time.  
  
"Who is it?"  
  
I froze at the voice. Muffled by the door but definitely coming from the other side. And despite the thick wood that separated us, I heard the accent, heard the low raspy drawl of his tone. "Crowley…" I sighed, shoulders drooping. Because that's all I needed today.  
  
The door was flung open then, a smug demon on the other side, dressed in his ever pristine suit and holding a glass of amber liquid that no doubt was his favorite brand of scotch. "Why, hello love. Forget your keys?" he asked mockingly, eyes flashing a mischievous glint.  
  
Don't get me wrong. I liked Crowley. A lot…more than I should have. In all honesty even those who loathed him at least respected him in some way. He had style, and charm which came with his job. Not to mention that he was one of those men that could make a girl of any age become speech impaired. At first glance you might have not thought much of him. I didn't. Saw him talking to Bobby, a demon of my height and stocky built. But it was the smirk that set me off. Dark and sinister and unnerving. He had me fumbling for words even before he opened his mouth. But todays, as I had mentioned before, was not a good day. And the last thing I needed was jittery feelings and a snarky demon to follow me around making suggestive comments.  
  
"Why are you here?" I huffed, pushing pass him to get inside the warmth of the house. Kicking my shoes off I turned in time to see Crowley shut the door, chuckling bemused at my demand.  
  
"Not even a hello? How have you been?" he asked sarcastically, taking a sip from his glass, his eyes making a show of wandering down my body. He always did that, with everyone for that matter. Male, female, inanimate object…Crowley liked to make you uncomfortable in your own skin. "Look at you, sweetheart, shivering from the cold. Would you like me to help warm you up?" He held his arms out a bit, smirk growing, eyes darkening.  
  
Despite the nearly nauseating lurch of my stomach at the thought I managed to roll my eyes and shrug out of my coat. "For the love of God, Crowley…" I grumbled. This was usually the time that Bobby intervened. Snapped at the demon and tried to push me as far away from him as possible.  
  
It wasn't that Bobby and Crowley were friends of any sort. But since the King of Crossroads decided to help us get Lucifer locked up he liked to pop in now and again to annoy the living crap out of Bobby. And yes, sometimes even help with finding the really odd and old lore. But that was mostly, I think, so that he wouldn't get shot and his suit ruined. Regardless of it all, I had a tendency to stick around when he popped by. And Bobby, being the ever protective hunter, apparently thought that I'd swoon and giggle and fall right into Crowley's arms. Maybe I would have if I wasn't such a stickler for my own pride.  
  
"I hear he's busy. Try the Lord below! Which would in fact be yours truly, who would tell you to have at it." He said with another low chuckle before lowering his arms.  
  
I opened my mouth to retort with another sarcastic comment but paused. His words not entirely making sense, causing me to think twice before speaking. "Lord below?" I repeated slowly. Another spark in Crowley's eyes. Another unsettling feeling in my gut. "What do you mean Lord below?"  
  
"Come now, darling, I know you're clever enough to figure it out." My eyes narrowed at his statement. He couldn't actually mean what I thought he meant…could he? "You're looking at the new and improved King of Hell." Crowley stated, pride shining through on his face and in his voice. And, though I wouldn't admit to him in fear that his ego would grow and consume the world, I was impressed. Taking control of Hell, even if it was probably chaotic and in desperate need of a ruler, was no easy feat.  
  
I let out a humorless scoff and gave a mocking bow. "Congrats, I'm proud of you." Turning my back to him I walked to the kitchen, rubbing my hands together for warmth and going straight to the kettle to start a cup of tea.  
  
"How about a kiss for my achievement?" He quipped, seeming to be right behind me. It wouldn't have been a surprise, seeing as he had a tendency to poof around at times. Not nearly as much as Castiel, though. And always too close for comfort.  
  
"How about a fist in your face instead?"  
  
"Getting kinky already?" His words were low, hot breath hitting my ear. I shuddered, realizing he stood literally just behind me, and turned to shoot the demon my best glare.  
  
"Man, personal space!" I snapped, taking a step to the side to get a cup, leaving Crowley chortling with amusement.  
  
"Touchy tonight, are we?" he mused, jumping up to sit on the counter as if it might have been the most normal and causal thing for him to do. I only grunted in response. It was strange to be alone with Crowley. A fluttering sensation in my stomach that I pegged to be fear mixed with exhaustion. Because there was still fear in me, as any rational person would have felt being left alone with someone as dangerous as Crowley. "Where is Grumpy, anyways?" He inquired, voice just as light. Like it was normal for us to have conversations and hang out.  
  
"Hunting," I replied honestly. There was no point in lying, no point in even retorting with something sarcastic. "There's a poltergeist a few towns over he's dealing with."  
  
"And he's left you all alone?" Crowley mused. I turned just in time to see his signature smirk spread across his lips again. That very smirk that caused all sorts of twisting of my stomach, spinning into pretzel knots because apparently my hormones thought it was okay to start a party in his presence.  
  
"Yeah, you know, because I'm twenty-four and just recently got out of pigtails, figured he could trust me enough to survive." My retort dripped of sarcasm, though it was nothing compared to his.  
  
"When does the old man get back?" A frown creased my forehead as I turned slowly to look at him. He wasn't planning to annoy me for that long, was he? A few hours I could tolerate without letting anything slip…but any longer? Especially without Bobby here to intervene…I'd be screwed. And looking at Crowley I got a sinking feeling that he thought so too.  
  
"I don't know," I replied slowly. "Should be home by tomorrow."  
  
"So the entire night to ourselves, hmm?" My shoulders drooped and I let out an exaggerated groan of annoyance, turning to the now whistling teapot of water. "This ought to be fun."


	3. You've Got That Medicine I Need

"So, what are your plans for tonight?" Crowley asked. For the last twenty minutes he had been pestering me, asking what Bobby was hunting, exactly when he'd be home, what I'd be doing. Despite me sighing in exasperation, rolling my eyes, retorting with sarcastic comments; I didn't mind him nearly as much as I let on. In fact, my mood was slowly returning to normal, even happy. Crowley had that effect on you if you didn't want to put a knife in his back.  
  
"Watch a movie, stay up. I have those to take care of since Bobby is gone." I said, nodding to the telephones as I finished making myself dinner. Too hungry to even go change first.  
  
"You know, there are other ways you could spend your time staying up…much more _fun_ ways." He purred suggestively, his voice low and raspy. Few people could actually cause me to shiver because of something they said being ten feet away from me.  
  
"You're incorrigible." I sighed, though there was the faintest twitch of a smile that tugged at the corner of my lips. Stirring honey into my cooling cup of tea I realized, with an ever sinking feeling, that Crowley was very much like a drug. No wonder Bobby tired so hard to keep me separated from the demon…I wondered for a minute if he knew this is how I would have reacted?  
  
"Thank you," Crowley replied smugly.  
  
Another sigh. Turning the stove off I turned to look at him, narrowing my eyes slightly and tried my best to look intimidating or stern or…something so he'd take a hint of taking me seriously. I don't think it worked very well, if anything it probably had his amusement grow. "I'm going to go change…you're going to stay here, understood?"  
  
He tried to look innocent then, his eyes widening as he placed a hand over his chest. Probably the most generic and predictable move I had ever seen him do and yet he managed to pull it off as if it were his first time pretending to be innocent. "Would I—"  
  
"Yes," I cut him off, looking at Crowley as though he were the most annoying being in existence. "Just…please, for once do as someone asks." It seemed that I had treaded near some dangerous territory. I saw his eyes darken, his smirk turn sinister. And for a split second I caught a glimpse of the demon that he was.  
  
In case you never looked anything evil in the eye; don't. Save yourself the trouble, it's nauseating and mind-numbingly terrifying. For that split second I saw the cold in him, the murderer. A twisted soul who had killed hundreds without remorse. Who was capable of indescribable torture and was willing to go to any lengths to get his way. A being who was currently a few feet away from me. Who I had just, in the most subtle of ways, reprimanded. Who if he so fancied…could snap my neck without a second thought or the smallest hint of regret. I think he was purposeful in doing so. Because for a minute I had begun to treat him like I would Dean or Sam or Bobby. Someone who I knew…who was on the same level as me. And despite his "friendly" nature during his visits, he wanted me to remember what he was and what he was capable of.  
  
"I'll be waiting, darling." He said, voice to match the cold demeanor he had taken on.  
  
I forced myself to roll my eyes and grumble something under my breath before walking away. And the second I reached the stairs, the second I was out of his sight I began to shake. Violent and momentary with an overwhelming wave of nausea that made my legs get weak. I drew in sharp breaths and for a second closed my eyes to regain my composure. I wasn't a weak person by any means. None of that damsel in distress crap. When you grow up around hunters you develop a thick enough skin to be able to deal, or else you leave the lifestyle by whatever means.  
  
But it's different, seeing a mutilated corpse of a seven year old who got attacked by a wendigo, and the eyes of a thing who would willingly do it if it tickled his fancy. Letting myself one more violent shiver I finally stopped, cleared my throat, drew in a deep breath and continued up to my room. Trying to remind myself that he would have killed me by now if he wanted to. That it was Crowley and he liked to see people squirm and grovel out of fear. I'd just have to remember to stay a few feet away from the line that marked my death.  
  
To my surprise Crowley had remained downstairs…or at least out of my sight. I changed, let my hair down, and after washing my face to get a bit more self-control back I went back downstairs. Crowley was looking through the files on the kitchen table, ones I was supposed to work on tonight. Again, upon seeing me, Crowley let his eyes wander down my body. And again I sighed, trying to ignore him, and went to pick up my dinner. The silence stretched, and I didn't break it. Even if it was a bit awkward, to say the least. Got especially bad when I sat down to eat and Crowley went about looking through the kitchen. His now empty glass left atop one of the counters.  
  
I watched him with a slight fascination. The way he moved about, the things he looked at. It was a bit odd to be eating with him wandering around but it had gotten to the point where the silence had become so thick that saying anything at all would have been worse. Crowley didn't take notice in the tension or my staring, or if he did he didn't show any signs of it. For not the first time in my life I was happy that I was a rather quick eater, finishing up in a few minutes, couldn't have been more than five, though it felt like an eternity. Standing from my seat, still chewing my bite, I went to the sink and washed what dishes had accumulated over the last few days.  
  
"So…are you just going to stick around and let the awkward silence stretch?" I asked, keeping my eyes downcast. Crowley chuckled and from the corner of my eye I saw him lean against the counter half a foot away from me.  
  
"I don't mind the silence. It's your kind that makes such a big deal out of it." He said with a shrug. I almost sighed at haring his voice again. A damning thing to like it, but it was low and raspy and brought a sort of comfort to me. Or maybe it was the fact that he was talking again and I didn't have to suffer through the awkward that according to him I had created.  
  
"I don't mind silence, just not with…strangers." I said, turning the water off and setting the dishes to dry. And I didn't. There were times Bobby and I would go hours, sometimes an entire day without talking. And it was never uncomfortable unless I had done something to get me into trouble.  
  
"I'm a stranger?" Crowley asked, faking hurt in his voice. "You wound me, love."  
  
"I _have_ a name." I said with an exasperated sigh. Not that I didn't like the pet names. But it was getting awfully hard not to grin when he called me love or darling or sweetheart. Did he know he had that effect on me? By the smirk I caught spreading on his lips I decided that the answer to that question was a most definite yes. "So, yes or no? Are you going to be sticking around?"  
  
"Would you like me to?" he inquired, tilting his head slightly to the side. I considered the proposal, looking back at the phones hanging on the wall. It was such a dull job…especially with no calls. Sometimes worse when there were calls. And it wasn't as if I actually wanted him gone. The company was nice…especially since it was his. Not to mention that there was a sense of new found freedom without Bobby around to deflect every one of his comments for me.  
  
So I gave a slight shrug, drying my hands on a towel. "I wouldn't mind it," I finally admitted. "Do you play chess?"  
  
"Are you challenging me?"  
  
I couldn't help but smile with amusement. "Yes I am." I said confidently.  
  
Crowley chuckled and gave a nod to my request. "Then challenge accepted." I almost beamed. Bobby liked to play chess from time to time but he was never a fan. It was my father who had taught me when I was little. A man I never got a chance to beat. Absolute genius, in my opinion. But I was only eight and knew next to nothing about strategies at the time.  
  
"I'll set it up in the living room," I told him, footsteps rather quick as I hurried to grab the board. It wouldn't exactly be a fair match and I knew that. If Crowley played chess, I could assume he had been for a while…long while. He was a demon who I was sure had a few years to him.  
  
"Excited?" Crowley mocked, following me as I pushed things from the worn sofa to the floor, stacking some of the books onto Bobby's desk, and putting the wooden chessboard in the middle of the couch before taking a seat.  
  
"It's been a while and I like the game." I shrugged, grabbing two pawns; black and white, and shuffling them behind my back before holding out my fists. "Choose?"  
  
Crowley took a seat opposite me, glass of scotch back in his hand. "I never knew the old grump could play the game." He mused, finally pressing his fingers to the back of my left hand. A warmth spreading through them that cause a very slight shiver course through me. I turned my palm up; black.  
  
"Damn…" I grumbled, turning the board. I never much liked to make the first move with the white figures. "And he doesn't, really. Not much, anyways. My da was the one who taught me." I explained, considering where I should make the move, finally choosing to one of the pawns.  
  
"Right, you're not really Bobby's daughter." Crowley said with a nod, making his move and taking a sip from his glass. I knew that he was probably aware of just about everything that had happened in my life. He was like that, knowing things that he shouldn't, that would give him an advantage when manipulating someone or in the midst of a heated argument. After all, most hunters were a comment away from a psychological break down.  
  
"No, my real parents died when I was little. Bobby raised me since then." I nodded, taking my time making a move. Trying to come up with a plan and thinking five steps ahead.  
  
Crowley hardly looked at the board before pushing one of his figures forward not five seconds after I did mine. "How kind of him," he said, tone mocking and sarcastic.  
  
I looked up from the board then. "Hey…he's a good guy." I said seriously. There was a lot of mocking I could tolerate, almost any directed at me, some at my parents, a lot that could be directed at the Winchesters. But not Bobby. He was a very big exception, to a lot of hunters I think.  
  
He chuckled in response but actually refrained from saying another word about him. Which I was grateful for. A couple of moves passed before he decided to speak again. I had been too drawn in making plans and trying to concentrate to notice the silence starting to form again.  
  
"How about we make this game a bit more interesting?" Crowley said, voice drawn out into something like a purr. I hummed in response, deciding whether or not sacrificing my rook was worth his bishop. "If I lose; you get a favor from me…but if you lose; I get a kiss."  
  
Moving my piece I sputtered with laughter, looking up at Crowley to see if he was being serious. "What do you have in that glass, exactly?" But Crowley only stared back at me with a sick sort of amusement and an ever growing Cheshire grin. "Seriously?" I muttered, laughter dying. "You…do realize you don't get a soul out of it, right?"  
  
"Of course not, love. Swear on my heart your soul will stay intact."  
  
"You don't have a heart."  
  
"The vessel does." I narrowed my eyes at him, trying to figure out what it was he was getting at, what he had planned. Like the chess game I was trying to look ten moves ahead…except that I couldn't put the pieces away and go back to my life if I lost at that game.  
  
"What kind of favor are we talking?" That was a lot to offer on his end. And if I won it really would be a great advantage in case something happened and I did need a bit of outside help. Or maybe even a lot of it.  
  
"Anything you'd like…save for destroying myself, that is." He replied as if the rules should have been obvious to me. I scoffed again, though the sound held no humor behind it. "Oh, come on darling. Don't be such a prude…this is going to end good either way."  
  
"How is kissing me going to end good?"  
  
"You'll see," he smirked. Again I thought, my mind a frantic mess. Kiss him? Favor was good on my part, yes…but what did kissing me have anything to do with it? What was the purpose if he wasn't making a deal? But there was a little part of me, a worm that managed to wiggle its way into my brain. Parasite, no less, that whispered for me to agree. To lose…because Crowley seemed ever so inviting. And the more I looked him in the eyes the harder it became to think. Kissing him couldn't possibly be that bad…and hadn't I thought about it before? To see what it would be like…to kiss someone…more importantly; to kiss him.  
  
Suddenly I blinked rapidly, shook my head and looked back at Crowley with a maddening glare. "Hey! None of that crossroads shit with me." I snapped. Pesky demons…the worst of their kind. They had this tendency to draw you in, make you forget about rational things. To get all caught up in their charm and their smiles and agree to deals that had loopholes fit for the demons to take advantage of.  
  
"Sorry, love, I can't help it." Crowley chuckled, holding his hands up in a sort of apology.  
  
I grumbled an insult at him and looked down at the board, considering his words. Telling myself that I could win…I was good. And a favor from him? It could come in being so useful…a favor. That's it…that's what I needed. A favor from him. "Alright," I finally muttered, looking up at him, a nervous smile creeping to my lips. "If I win I get a favor from you. And if I lose that other thing."  
  
Crowley smirked, looked down at the board and made a move of his own. "Excellent,"


	4. You Bring My Heart To Its Knees

Despite Crowley's comments and means to distract me from the game, I managed to keep a rather good concentration. Playing harder than I ever had, really. And to my surprise, Crowley was a rather vicious player. In the sense that he never thought very long about his moves and wasn't afraid to sacrifice pieces. I did imagine him to be a more subtle chess player, pretend to be going one place before circling around and nicking your King. Perhaps it was to match his cunning nature. Regardless; I was losing. Despite trying best I could and pulling out every plan and trick that I had ever learned or read about; I was losing. And bad. A few more moves and there was no denying that my demise was in sight. And with each passing second my stomach sank lower and lower because that'd mean; I'd have to kiss him.  
  
Don't get me wrong. The idea wasn't repulsing. Crowley did have that…charm around him. Not to mention that he really _was_ good looking. Plus his class, a nice refresher from the current day douche bags. Pardon my language but a lot of the younger generation truly was. And unlike them Crowley had an air of elegance and grace, always neat in his appearance. Even when he cursed you or threatened someone he retained his sophistication. So the idea of kissing him wasn't bad. It was simply that I didn't trust it to be an innocent kiss. Crowley didn't do something unless in some way it benefited him. So what was he getting at? What was he planning?  
  
"Darling?" Crowley sang smugly, finishing his drink, setting his empty glass on the coffee table. "It's your move." He reminded.  
  
I hummed in response, eyebrows knitted together. There had to be _some_ way to win. One tiny little flaw…some sort of hole in his plan. _Something_ still had to give me hope. But if there was; I didn't see it. And though I sighed and my shoulders drooped in defeat, I still made a move. If I was to go down I'd go down fighting. In my warped reality it somehow made sense. "I know, I know." I grumbled quite gloomily.  
  
Crowley chuckled, quickly making his move. Knowing, like me, that I was a lost cause. "Oh, stop your pouting. I assure you your defeat isn't going to be as distasteful as you think it may be." He assured me with a wink. I only sighed, muttered a curse under my breath, and made another move. "Check," Crowley quipped, moving his piece almost as soon as I had taken the fingers off of mine.  
  
"Why do you even care if you kiss me, huh?" I snapped, trying to reason. Hoping that maybe a few words would convince him enough that this really wasn't worth it.  
  
"Lotus, you're acting as if you've never kissed anyone before." Crowley laughed. So I looked down and if it were possible; focused on the board more. There was a moment of silence in which I could have sworn I heard something in Crowley's pride or mind click. "You've never kissed anyone before?" he said, practically mocking me.  
  
"Well, look around!" I said in a rather harsh tone, looking up at him, my face burning. I could only imagine the color it was becoming. "Do you see where I live? Do you think I have the time to get giggly? Besides…kissing never helped anyone." I huffed, moving my Queen. He took it with his knight.  
  
"I'd beg to differ," Crowley replied with a wild smirk. Looking like he was the inspiration for Tim Burton's Cheshire. "Don't worry, love, I'll make sure to make your first kiss memorable….mate."  
  
And there went my heart. Sinking so low I was pretty sure it had passed through the soles of my feet and into the ground. I stared at the board, like waiting for it to change. For some pieces to suddenly move about to form a scenario in which I had won the game. But it didn't happen, it wasn't going to happen. I…had lost. I lost and instead of getting a favor from the King of Hell I would be forced to kiss him. Could I back out of the deal? It wasn't permanent; we didn't even shake on it. "This isn't fair, you know." I muttered like a child.  
  
Crowley gave a hearty laugh at my reaction, causing the heat in my face to grow to what I assumed was a few degrees cooler than the surface of the sun. "I didn't force you into agreeing with me now did I?"  
  
I made a face at him, cleaning up the pieces. Watching him out of the corner of my eyes as though expecting him to jump at me at any given moment. My stomach was twisting violently, making me jittery, causing my breathing to become irregular and heart beat in an unusual rhythm. So loud that I was sure he could hear it. This was bad to say the least. If Bobby were to ever get even the _slightes_ t whiff of what happened, of what I actually agreed to he'd lock me up until I was eighty. And in all likelihood cut off what made Crowley a man. Or, what made Crowley's vessel a man.  
  
I got up from the sofa, turning my back to him, shuffling over to store the chessboard away. Trying to ignore the fact that I actually felt rather weak at the knees and felt as though I was wracked by a cold wave of shivers. "Look, all I'm saying is that we'd both be better—" as I turned back around, expecting to find Crowley on the sofa, I instead found him standing in front of me. Much too close for comfort with a knowing smirk gracing his lips. A twinkle in his eyes that let me know he was having a laugh at me. "—better off if we keep the game just a game."  
  
"Are you telling me that you're not a woman of your word?" He asked innocently, reaching out to take hold of a strand of my hair. Careful not to actually touch me as he pulled it back behind my ear. It had the same effect, my breath getting stuck somewhere in my throat. Was I a hundred percent sure that I was conscious? By the pain of my fingers pinching my thigh my answer was sadly a yes.  
  
"That's low," I muttered. A woman of her word, it _was_ low for him to say and Crowley knew it. I was raised to keep my promises. If nothing else, Bobby had taught me rather well to be honest.  
  
Crowley's smirk grew, fingers tracing a feather light trail down my arm. It burned. It actually felt like it burnt the flesh, though I knew it was just a reaction of my nerves. That _bastard_. He was actually going to _toy_ with me, reduce me to a blabbering mess before taking what he had won. There was no doubt that he was a demon. "Come now, darling, you can't tell me that you really don't want this. Admit it…you're curious."  
  
 _Yes_. "No." _Liar_.  
  
He chuckled and brought his hand up to brush back more hair. This time letting the calloused pads of his fingers run along my cheek as he leaned in and stopped just by my ear. "I think you're lying." He murmured, his breath warm against my ear. Did his lips just brush against my skin? I think so…I really think so. Oh god...he couldn't actually do this. _I_ couldn't do this. Crowley pulled away, smirking at my reaction. His eyes darting to my lips. "You need to relax, dear, it's not like I'm taking your soul."  
  
My eyes narrowed at him and I allowed a slight sigh escape my lips. Relax? How in God's name was I supposed to _relax_? "That's not helping. Can't you just…get it over and done with?" I snapped rather harshly. That singular thought running through my mind. _Why_ was he doing this? What sort of benefit could he possibly gain?  
  
"You make it sound so cheap." He said in fake hurt. Again his fingers ran along my jaw. Down to my neck and up into my hair. Though he made sure to press against my scalp, to tug slightly at the roots of my hair. No more ghost touches, he made sure to make it clear what was to happen and the fact that he was allowed to touch me without getting smacked or shoved back. "I'm telling you, darling, _relax_." He purred. "I'm not going to bite…much."  
  
I didn't even have the will to glare at him. And then his other hand was pressing against my hip. Fingers pressing into the skin through the fabric. At least there was a shirt, though it did little to help. Crowley tugged at my hair, tilting my head slightly, moving forward to hover his lips above mine. I could feel the warmth of his breath and despite trying as hard as I could; I gave a shiver. I shivered and kept my eyes open. Afraid of…I wasn't even sure what. I just knew that this was a terribly awful idea and that nothing good could ever come of it.  
  
And then his lips were pressing against mine. An undeniable kiss, his hand fisted in my hair to keep me in place. I still kept my eyes open, frowning and trying to get through it all without trying to jerk back. His grip on my hip tightened slightly, and he pulled me against him. Forcing the space to become nonexistent between us. Forcing me to realize that being pressed against him wasn't entirely…bad. Or unpleasant. Slowly he moved his lips, like being careful not to go too fast. My eyes slid shut. Despite trying so damn hard to keep my eyes open they closed and I wasn't seeing a damn thing…which had me focus on the feeling of his lips against mine that much more. And to my surprise his lips were…they were warm. And rather soft and the kiss wasn't bad…for Christ's sake; it wasn't bad.  
  
Was I enjoying it?  
  
Crowley's tongue suddenly pressed against the seam of my lips, running along the line…and I parted them. I opened my mouth to allow his tongue in my goddamn mouth. What was worse? The fact that he was taking advantage or the fact that I was liking it? It was sickeningly…good. The taste oddly pleasing, something like aged scotch mixed with…sulfur, I think. And it was sickeningly good. Were my muscles relaxing? Crowley slipped his arm around my waist, now. I think I heard him chuckle. Did he chuckle? Laugh because I was beginning to enjoy it? Could've sworn he did…didn't he? Bastard. That bastard was laughing at me. Then why wasn't I shoving him back? _Because you like it_. Great…and now my mind was laughing at me as well.  
  
But what the hell? He was going to kiss me regardless of whether I tried to push against him or not. I could enjoy it for a bit…no harm in that, right? Even as I thought it I knew that was a lie. A horrible mistake to relax against him, terrible fault to grip his jacket in my fingers. Was I breathing? I don't think so. Again I began to shake, my mind drawing a painfully long blank. The kiss was hell-fire…it burned and reminded me just how stupid I really was. And then he was pulling away, my lip in between his teeth, tongue grazing against it before he let me go entirely. Dropped his hold and let me stagger slightly and stare. I was staring at him with what I assumed was a rather dumbfounded look, panting and feeling as though my heart was hooked up to a car battery.  
  
And he was smirking.  
  
I never wanted to wipe a smile off someone's face as much as I did now. Do something extremely harmful to make him howl in pain and glare…not smirk in satisfaction. In _triumph_. Because I had been reduced into a compliant mess who…kissed him back. To the best of my abilities, I had kissed him back. Staring at him I tried to straighten up. Still felt his hands on me, still felt him pressed against me and his lips on mine and tongue mapping my mouth. I could still taste him. And it was absolutely terrifying. I wasn't meant to like that, he was a _demon_. A very _bad_ demon who, to my knowledge, still held Bobby's soul.  
  
"That wasn't so bad, was it?" Crowley mocked. He was still mocking me…of course. That bastard. But what else was I to expect; he was a demon. That was kind of part of his job description.  
  
"Dick," I grumbled, turning back to fix things on the shelves. Just so I wouldn't have to stare at him with a burning face.  
  
"Don't worry, darling…I'll make sure to keep this between me and you." He murmured in my ear. Hand almost teasingly brushing against my hip, pausing slightly before he moved away entirely. I shuddered at the sensation, swallowed hard and forced myself to draw in deep breaths.  
  
Turning around I was almost expecting him gone. Or, hoped he'd be gone. He got what he wanted, he could leave. There was no use sticking around…but, as my wonderful luck may have it, I turned around to find him refilling his glass of scotch. Frowning distastefully I crossed my arms over my chest, doing the best I could to appear unaffected by the kiss. Which was pointless seeing as I reacted very much to it and we both knew it. "You're not leaving yet?" I huffed.  
  
"Why would I, darling?" Crowley said with a smirk, licking his lips as though he were remembering the kiss. Maybe he was. In all likelihood he was just trying to taunt me. "Tonight is going so well, I can't wait to see what the rest of my stay brings."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ....giggidy.


	5. So Go On, Infect Me

" _Antiquis temporibus, nati tibi in rupibus ventosissimis exponebantur ad necem!_ " I practically yelled at him, my words slightly slurred together. _In the good old days, children like you were left to perish on windswept crags_.  
  
Crowley had, as promised, been pestering me and sticking around the entire night. I got three calls since the kiss, two which needed confirmations about FBI agents and one asking when Bobby was getting back. To ease my nerves and Crowley's seemingly never ending comments I began to drink with him. Lots of drinking, as a matter of fact. Now at three in the morning I was sitting very un-lady like, as Crowley was so kind to point out, on the sofa watching an episode of Maury and bantering with the demon if the current male on the show was or was not the father of the illegitimate child.  
  
Crowley glared at me, a murderous look in his eyes. Though I wasn't quite sure if it was from the fact that I was using Latin or because I was starting to insult him rather freely. Regardless, if looks could kill I'd be dragged down to Hell by now. Except that, instead of being afraid I burst into a wide grin, too drunk to care. And Crowley followed in suite when I began to cackle uncontrollably. "Where in bloody 'ell did you learn that?" Unlike me; he wasn't entirely drunk. Though the more glasses he emptied the thicker his accent became.  
  
I gave a shrug and took another long drink from the cheap vodka bottle. "I get bored when I do research."  
  
"You know, if it were anyone else talking to me like that I'd have them killed in an instant." Crowley mused, his voice threatening and low as he smirked over the rim of his glass.  
  
" _Brutum fulmen." Harmless thunder_ , I said with a wave of my hand. If he would have wanted to kill me he would have done that already. And he most likely wouldn't have been getting drunk with me prior to it.  
  
"Don't tempt me darling." I looked at him then, swaying slightly in my spot, and narrowed my eyes at the demon. The only light in the room came from the television, illuminating Crowley's sinister features in red and blue hues, making him look all that much more threatening and wicked.  
  
However, in my current state I was hardly fazed. " _Apudne te vel me?_ " I asked with a wiggle of my eyebrows and what I hoped appeared to be a seductive and not entirely drunk smirk. _Your place or mine?_ Crowley threw his head back and laughed heartily, the sound rather foreign seeing as it wasn't followed by some gruesome bit of torture. I cracked a drunken smile and took my final sip of vodka before setting the nearly empty bottle down. Enough was enough. A little more and I'd be waking up without memory of today and, as damning as it was, I wanted very much to remember my unusual time spent with Crowley.  
  
"You keep this up and I might not be able to control myself." Crowley winked, settling back down to his usual chortling.  
  
I let my shoulders rise and fall in a shrug, sighed, and leaned my head back against the back of the sofa. "What makes you think I'll mind?" I asked and then immediately shook my head. "I really need to ease up on the drinking."  
  
"Oh, I don't know, darling. It doesn't' seem to be like such a bad idea." Crowley murmured, his lips suddenly nuzzling against the side of my neck. I shuddered, closed my eyes, realized what was happening and jolted away from him as though he just administered an electric shock to me.  
  
"Hey, I'm not _that_ drunk yet." I grumbled, quickly standing to put more distance between us, maybe start cleaning up. It was late enough and I hadn't had a call in a few hours. Some sleep would definitely do me good. But as I stood I stumbled, my head spinning and black spots dancing in front of my eyes. "Woah," I muttered, trying to steady myself so I wouldn't fall.  
  
But someone was already holding me in place, hands on my hips, fingers pressing into my flesh. I glared at Crowley, who simply stood smirking, much too close for my comfort. "Having some difficulties there?" He purred, one hand leaving my hip, trailing up my side, to my stomach, further over my chest and to my neck. Fingers pushing back hair to expose more skin. I stood, frozen in my spot but trembling slightly from his touches, staring at him with wide eyes. Was that his fault I couldn't move away? "I'm not going to hurt you, Lotus." He cooed softly.  
  
"Stop…" I murmured, shaking my head, holding no actual power in my word. Wanting so desperately to move back but unable to find it in me to actually take that step. He smirked, bemused at my behavior. I couldn't even think…it was so damningly hard. Like my mind was foggy, like I had drank a lot more than I thought I did. "No…"  
  
"Shh…" He hummed, winding his arm around my waist. With a tug he had me pressed firmly against him, easing the tension off my legs from having to force myself to stand. His other hand ran along my cheek and tangled in my hair, pulling gently at the roots. "You need to relax." Crowley murmured. I could hardly breathe. This couldn't be happening…shouldn't be, more accurately. He was a demon…a demon! Enemy, he was bad he was the thing I was meant to hunt down and kill.  
  
Leaning forward he pressed his lips to mine, soft and… _gentle_. Hell…Crowley was being gentle. I didn't respond. Not immediately, anyways. But soon I was kissing him back best I knew how, letting him take lead as my mind emptied of all rationality. His tongue pressing against the seam of my lips and so I parted them without a second thought, letting his tongue map out my mouth. Then I heard a soft moan…my moan. I was actually enjoying this…fucking hell I was enjoying _everything_ that he was doing. My fingers clenched in his suit jacket and with a few tugs I had pulled it off and let it drop carelessly to the floor. He pulled back, leaving my breathless and body burning and tingling, like every nerve was suddenly jolted awake by maddening bursts of electricity. Then he was kissing my neck, teeth grazing my skin, biting gently and running his tongue over the sensitive spot before moving to a fresh patch, making me quiver with an ever growing desire. His hands ran across my torso, fingers pressing into every crook and crevice, like he was seeking to find and memorize every bit of me. Feeling his fingers dance across my lower back I jerked and arched forward, breath hitching in my throat.  
  
Hell…this was hell. What was I doing? In Bobby's house…in his living room. I was meant to be doing research. Meant to be keeping tabs on those phones. Please, God…let one ring. Let a phone ring so I have a reason to tear away. A sudden roll of Crowley's hips made my thoughts vanish in an instant and I had to bite down on another wanton moan. Crowley pulled away, smirking like your grade A maniac.  
  
"Suddenly not so hateful, are we?" he purred.

  
  
I jerked and my eyes snapped open. It took me a minute to realize I was sleeping on the worn sofa, bottle of vodka still cradled in my hands. The room was growing light, the television still buzzing quietly. Dream….it was just a dream. A dream that still had my heart beating furiously and my breathing labored. I sighed, groaned, and threw my head back against the worn cushions. Fantastic. I was having these dreams about him now? Actually, where was Crowley? Sitting up I was met with an empty room, an empty bottle of scotch left beside an empty cup on the coffee table and a neatly folded piece of paper leaning against it with my name written in elegant black writing.  
  
Grunting as I sat up I took a drink from my bottle before setting it down. A faint headache forming from last night's drinking. For not the first time in my life I praised the Lord that I didn't have harsh hangovers. Taking the note I looked it over before unfolding the paper. More writing inside, the letters neat and curved as Crowley was.  
  
' _Had to dash, love, my deepest apologies for not waiting for you to wake. But I am a busy King. Can't wait to do this again, sometime. Lots of kisses, Crowley_.'  
  
And that would have been fine. The note would've made me grin, roll my eyes, and move on about my day. Even the kiss he had given the night before would have eventually left my mind…but Crowley didn't leave the note at that. At the bottom was written one more thing,  
  
' _P.S. I'm curious to see what made you moan my name so sweetly in your sleep_.'  
  
No…no, _hell_ no, no, no, no. I didn't…there was no way in hell that I did. I couldn't have. Did I? I hardly ever spoke in my sleep. It was very, unbelievably rare, that it happened. I couldn't have actually moaned his name…he must've been lying. A trick. He said that to see how I'd react when he asked so that if I did dream about him he'd know…right? That made sense. Crowley would do that.  
  
"Fuck!" I shouted.  
  
That bloody kiss. That's what he wanted to do. That infecting, poisonous, vile…worm of a demon. He just needed to make it memorable, the rest my mind would do for him. Make the kiss memorable and I'd never stop thinking about it. Too much drinking and then the dreams would jumble until my mind decided to play something like that out. And God damn…dreams never left me. They'd cause people, me included, to feel what was felt in the dream even after you woke up. That flustered jittery feeling of being kissed, held like that, of feeling my nerves light with his touches. I knew it'd stay throughout the day. And the more I thought about it the more likely of a chance that I'd have a repeat dream.  
  
Crowley never did anything without reason.  
  
Upon hearing the familiar engine of a beaten down truck I bolted up and grabbed the empty bottle and glass off the table, note between my teeth as I rushed to the kitchen to dispose of the bottle. If Bobby saw and recognized it I'd have some explaining to do which was really the last thing I wanted to deal with this morning. As I was about to crumble up the note ad toss it out too I paused…staring down at my name on the paper. Try as I may I couldn't bring myself to do it. Another Latin curse left my lips with a sigh as I tucked the note in the back pocket of my jeans and made my way to the front door to greet Bobby.  
  
I was so unbelievably in the worst way possible; screwed.


	6. Creepin' Up The Backstairs

"Hey, look at that, still in one piece!" I exclaimed with a wide smile, walking down the creaky steps of Bobby's porch barefoot, arms outstretched as I watched the older hunter climb out of his seemingly beaten down truck.  
  
"You're not exactly a sight for sore eyes either, you know." He grumbled, unable to hide a grin, reaching for his duffle-bag. I chuckled, making my way to him to take the bag from his hand.  
  
"Here, let me help, grampa, don't want your back to give out." I teased with a wink.  
  
"Oh, shut up, idjit." He sighed, giving me a one armed hug. This was normally how our interactions went, greeting each other after a hunt. I'd tease, he'd grumble, then I'd force him to eat something and get some sleep. I liked to take care of Bobby like that. No matter how much time passed I'd never be thankful enough for what he had done. And not just for me, for that matter. For everyone. So many of the hunters took Bobby for granted. So when I could; I'd do my best to help. Whether it was letting him sleep for a while or make a warm meal or sometimes simply bringing him a beer. And I don't think he minded it much.  
  
"How are you, though? How was the hunt?" I asked, walking along his side back to the house, looking him over to see if there were any visible bruise or cut marks.  
  
Bobby sighed heavily and shook his head, his eyes rolling slightly. "It wasn't a poltergeist." He told me, opening the door so I could walk through first. "A group of kids decided that buying a haunted item off of eBay was a good idea." I nearly snorted with laughter, setting his duffle bag down by the door. In most cases when people said something was haunted it wasn't. That much was true. But now and again the poor bastards would stumble across something truly harmful and either wind up dead or eternally traumatized.  
  
"What was it then?" I asked, going to the fridge for eggs and sausage. After a warm breakfast he could go sleep a while. By the looks of him I figured he didn't get any rest while away. He looked exhausted, to be honest, disheveled and worn from either a struggle against whatever it was that he had been hunting or dealing with the people who bought the item.  
  
"A Dybbuk." Bobby sighed, lowering himself into one of the chairs. I looked at him a bit surprised, eyebrows raised.  
  
"A Dybbuk? Where the hell did they get a Dybbuk from?"? I asked, cracking eggs into a bowl, setting a pan to heat on the stove. It wasn't very different from a poltergeist, but perhaps a bit more violent when you fell asleep. I read a few legends about them but never thought we'd have to deal with one ourselves. As far as I knew they were virtually nonexistent anymore. Then again, there had been odd monsters popping up all over the country of late.  
  
"You're asking me." Bobby grumbled, leaning forward as he ran his hands over his face and let out a long yawn. "Well…what's done is done. I got it taken care of." He said with a nod. I mixed milk into the beaten eggs before pouring them into the skillet, cutting up bits of sausage and mixing for scrambled eggs. "How about you? Anything exciting happen while I was gone?"  
  
I had to bite my lip to the near point of breaking the skin to stifle the laughter. At least my back was turned. But how was I supposed to keep a straight face when I had a near make-out session with Crowley before getting piss drunk with him and passing out? "Uh, no. Not really." I finally replied, clearing my throat. "A few calls. Dan called looking for you."  
  
"Did he say what he wanted?"  
  
"No. I asked but I guess it wasn't so important. He just said he'd call in a few days when you were home."  
  
"Hmm…any trouble with anything else?" Bobby hummed. I turned to see a frown on his face, staring at the table as though it was supposed to give him an answer. Had he been waiting for an important call?  
  
"No. Surprisingly. Not even with the authorities." I told him honestly, grabbing a clean plate from the cabinet and loading it with the cooked food. "Well, my car broke down. I left it by the diner, but that's about the extent of something happening." Adding a fork and some tomato slices I set the plate in front of Bobby and smiled, studying his expression. "Something wrong?"  
  
"Hmm?" He brought his eyes up to mine and smiled immediately, giving a nod. "No, everything's good. Sorry kiddo, just thinking is all. Thank you, looks delicious." Bobby nodded to the plate, picking up his fork and immediately busying himself with eating. I wondered if he was being truthful or outright lying. Some days it was hard to tell. Bobby was a tricky man to figure out, even if I had lived with him the better part of my life. "We can get your car back here after—"  
  
"You get some sleep." I cut him off, knowing he would offer to do so after breakfast. "It can wait. I have a few days off, anyways, and you look overdue for a good few hours of rest." He took another bite and nodded, unmistakable gratitude shining in his eyes as he smiled again.  
  
"You're an angel."  
  
I glared at him as he smirked jokingly. He liked to call me that, after we had met Castiel. Whenever I attempted to do something nice and he was in a relatively good mood, I became "angel". "Hold on, I'll go grab my trench coat." I drawled, earning a low chuckle from Bobby. "Finish eating, I'll start laundry and get your bag upstairs." I told him, patting his hand before standing up.  
  
"Thank you, Lo." He called as I moved to the living room. Which was when I froze in my step, eyes narrowing as I stared at the sofa.  
  
That bastard…I walked swiftly to the armrest and grabbed the tie, stuffing it in my pocket before hurrying off to the stairs. He left his tie. I knew that at some point Crowley had gotten comfortable, his jacket open, few buttons undone and tie off. But to leave it? He knew damn well that if Bobby would have seen that I would have been neck deep in trouble. Which said something about my lifestyle, seeing as explaining spots of blood was so much easier than a tie. But if Bobby would have seen it, it wasn't as if I could have just lied and said it was his. Bobby had very few ties and those that he did were shoved deep in his closet. Only seeing the light when it was absolutely necessary.  
  
"I am going to kill you…" I muttered under my breath, dropping Bobby's duffle bag on his bed before opening it up. Drawing out his dirty clothes to take to the hamper.  
  
What would Bobby do if he knew? If he knew what I had done, or the mixed feelings that I had or the time I spent with Crowley the night before? In fact…what were my feelings for the demon? Alright, so the hormones went haywire when he was around. I found him attractive, which was understandable. And he did have his charm and charisma, especially being a Crossroads King. But why was it that him being a demon, an eternal prick and thorn in our side, wasn't lessening the attraction? In fact, it did almost absolutely nothing in making me like him less? I groaned quietly, dragging the nearly full hamper down to the laundry room. _No…don't you even dare go there with you crushing on a fucking demon. Come on, Lo! Man up._ I thought bitterly to myself, then laughed at the attempt.  
  
Right, like _that_ ever worked for anyone.


	7. It Was Said She Was Raised by the Praise of a Furious Man

For about two weeks we hit an unusual calm. There were few to no calls, no odd visits or need to hide bodies. Trust me, that happened more than you'd think. But it was a nice break from everything. Even Crowley had begun to slip my mind, though I dreamt of him more often than not. And every morning that I woke up I'd remember his note…mostly because it was on my nightstand. Don't judge, he had pretty handwriting…and it was a nice reminder. Aside from the whole, moaning his name in my sleep ordeal, I truly did enjoy that night. But that was the big problem. As much as I prayed and hoped that he would forget about the whole dreaming thing or that in fact, it was nothing more than a joke, I had a sinking feeling that I'd hear about it again.

Sometime in the middle of the second week after Bobby had come home, I was waking from a particularly blissful night of no dreaming. No nightmares, no gore and more importantly; no Crowley. Groaning and stretching under my covers I sunk into the mattress, hugging the pillow to my face. Sighing in relief of being well rested.

"You drool in your sleep, do you know that?"

My eyes sprung open within the second, body running cold and heart dropping somewhere by my feet. As I brought my gaze up to the figure sitting on the edge of my bed I let out another groan, though this one held an inhuman amount of annoyance. "Why are you in my room?" I whined like a child, curling tighter into a ball and drawing the sheets closer around me.

Crowley chortled, legs crossed, smug grin on his lips as he stared down at me with a particularly mischievous spark in his eyes. "Just seeing if I could catch you muttering my name again." He shrugged, causing my to groan once more. Faking crying as I buried my face in the pillow and tried to draw the covers over my head. "Oh, come on now darling, stop the whining. I know you enjoyed that night as much as I did. There's no need to be dramatic about it."

"Go away…it's too early for me to deal with you." I whined, turning my back to him, wanting nothing more than to ignore the demon. In my bed. Crowley was literally in my bed. Why couldn't he be normal and simply try to kill me?

"Hasn't anyone ever told you not to turn your back to a demon, love?" He purred, voice suddenly in my ear. His hand pressed firmly against my hip, body close to mine as he leaned over me. I opened my eyes and mustered up my best glare, looking at him with pursed lips.

"If you don't get your hand off of me…I will rip it off and beat you with it." I said in a low and threatening voice. It might have actually gotten someone normal to move away. But this was Crowley I was dealing with and instead of backing away his lips stretched into an amused smirk.

"Frisky in the mornings, are we?" He teased, his fingers tightening around my side. I opened my mouth to retort with another threat but with a quick and smooth tug found myself on my back. Staring up at Crowley who was pressing me down firmly into the mattress. "Need I remind you of who I am, love?"

Again his eyes sparked something dangerous and wicked. And again I felt a frightful shiver run down my spine. But at this hour of what had started off being such a perfect morning I couldn't really care less. He knew very well that if he was to kill me he'd have Bobby to deal with and being a new King of Hell I doubted it was a hassle he was willing to put himself through. So I narrowed my eyes at him, teeth grinding together in annoyance. "Get off of me you self entitled prick." I snapped, giving a hard shove against his hold.

"Bloody hell, woman, what's got your knickers in a twist?" Crowley grumbled, pulling back though not standing from the bed. Instead he fixed his tie and the lapels of his suit jacket, like I had just slapped and offended him. I, in turn, gawked with sheer surprise. Was he seriously asking me why I was so irritated?

"You!" I finally exclaimed, nearly sputtering as I pushed myself to sit up. "You do not just come in here and watch me sleep you weirdo. " but with the covers fallen down to my waist his eyes fell down to a different part of my anatomy, eyebrows raising slightly, like he was oblivious to what I was saying. "Stop staring at my boobs!" I hissed, just barely remembering that Bobby was somewhere in house.

"I'm sorry…did you say something?" Crowley muttered purposefully, smirk twitching at the corner of his lips. There was a gurgle of noises that left the back of my throat as I ran my hands over my face. It wasn't as if I was in the nude, don't get me wrong. I had a bra on, and when you're in this line of work when people come baring all sorts of wounds you have to fix up that sort decency simply goes out the window of being embarrassed or bashful. Once I had a hunter drag his partner in, half torn from a werewolf attack and I was in the shower with Bobby in town getting groceries so until he got back I worked with a towel around me to save his life, and as it may be towels aren't exactly very reliable when you're moving around. It wasn't my idea of a perfect time and obviously I preferred to be clothed but there was no one but Bobby and me here so the idea of sleeping in my underwear never crossed as being somehow bad or problematic. And I knew for a fact that Crowley had seen his fair share of…well…just about everything. So this big show of him staring was simply unbelievably annoying. I guessed it was what he was going for, so I suppose it worked on his behalf.

"Alright," I huffed, bending my knees and wrapping my arms around them. Pinching the bridge of my nose in frustration and doing my best to be civil. If this were Dean, after all, I would…well, I'd beat him out of my room with a pillow and put laxatives in his pie...did Crowley eat pie? "What is it that you actually came here for?" Though there was still a substantial amount of annoyance in my voice it was calm and steady at least.

"Down to business already? No morning romp?" he asked, hint of melancholy in his voice. Even I couldn't help a slight scoff at this point.

"Sorry, maybe next time." I drawled, smile persistent on sticking on my lips. Damn that demon.

"I'll hold you to that." Crowley murmured in a low voice. "But, since you asked so nicely, I heard Bobby hunted down a Dybbuk?"

I gave a slight shrug of my shoulders. "Yeah…why are you coming to me, then?"

Crowley chuckled and grinned. "You look a lot more…appealing that the old drunk in the morning."

"Just the morning?" I faked hurt in my voice and earned an actual laugh from the demon. Though it was quiet and short, it still made me a bit proud of being able to do so. "Really, though, he was the one on the hunt. It was a few town over, some kids bought an allegedly haunted wine cabinet from eBay and it turned out to be actually haunted, blah blah blah…Bobby took care of it. If you want details you'll have to go to him. I just got the basics."

"And you're sure it was a Dybbuk?" Crowley asked, though it was a bit more than curiosity in his voice.

I frowned and gave a nod. "Yeah, well, he was. So am I, then." If us two could figure out that there had been an unusual activity of rare and downright bizarre monsters then I didn't doubt that Crowley did too. And if he was asking question then there was a good chance he knew what was going on. Or at least had an idea. "What's up?" I asked, tilting my head slightly as I watched for his reaction. Might as well have been trying to read a wall, though. Crowley would had to have been in some major anguish of some sort to give anything away. Even when he was being honest he looked dishonest. "With all the heeby-jeeby things popping up everywhere? Even the normal ones are crawling out of their holes more than usual."

He looked at me with raised eyebrows, amused smile spreading across his face. "It's a secret, darling." When he tapped the tip of my nose with his index finger I was starting to hope that my glares would actually start shooting real daggers. "Can't go telling my secrets to every pretty face I meet."

A heavy and slow sigh left my lips as I dipped my head down and into my hands. "You are…incorrigible." I grumbled, throwing the covers back and moving around him to get out of bed.

"Thank you." He quipped, like I had given him an unbelievably flattering remark. "My, my…quite the array of tattoos you've got there." I heard him murmur as I went to my closet, grabbing the first pair of pants I could find and slipping into them.

"Yeah…it's so they keep annoying bastards like you out of me." I said over my shoulder, looking for a warm shirt. Admittedly I had a bit more than was needed but at sixteen when you get permission to get a tattoo you might…get a bit carried away. I did at least. Covering most of my back, parts of my sides and the very upper of my thighs with an arrangement of different protection symbols I had found in books.

"Oh, love…trust me when I say those are going to do nothing to keep me out in the way that I want to get in." I snorted with laughter at his statement, pulling on an old t-shirt and a zip up hoodie on top.

"My God, Crowley, its morning!" I laughed, turning back to catch his eyes starting the trail up only after I had turned around.

"Actually, it's noon."

"Well it's morning to me," I said with a roll of my eyes, still chuckling as I went to put my hair up.

"Then it's your problem, not mine." Crowley rose from the bed, straightening his jacket and tie. "Now…go on and wake the surly drunk so I can talk to him."

"Can you _please_ call him by his name?" I sighed, opening the door to my bedroom. Except that instead of being able to walk out I found Bobby standing on the other side, hand raised to knock on my door. His eyes lingered on me for a second before darting to the demon that stood a few feet behind.

"It's not what it looks like! I know it appears like we're having a chat but we're actually having sex." Crowley said with a dramatic expression of fear and an inhuman amount of sarcasm in his voice. Even I knew better than to keep standing in the way and moved quickly to the side when I saw Bobby's jaw clench and grind.

"What the hell are you doing here?" He snarled, voice dangerous yet relatively calm. I avoided his gaze, staring down at my feet and bit my tongue to keep from laughing. It was such an awful trait to have, laughing when you're nervous. Which I was beyond belief.

"What do you think? Snogging and shagging." Crowley retorted without missing a beat. "So if you'd be so kind to shut the door on the way out…"

"Oh come on." I whined, letting a chuckle slip through. "He's here about the Dybbuk you hunted."

Bobby looked down at me and instantly I grew silent again. "We'll talk later."

"Sorry…looks like I got you in trouble with daddy dearest." Crowley apologized, voice ringing with sarcasm and amusement. "But, and as much as it wounds me to say this; she's right. I'm only here about the hunt."

"And I'm going to go…hide under a rock or something." I muttered quietly, slipping behind Bobby and out the door. But I did glance back in time to see Crowley wink, knowing and teasing as he blew me a kiss and in turn I couldn't suppress a grin.

I practically ran down the stairs after that, only stopping in the kitchen long enough to grab a few cookies and a can of Coke before bolting out the door and onto the porch, giggling like mad when I heard the first string of curses roar through on the second floor. Stopping by the steps I had to sit down, laughing until tears formed in my eyes and my stomach cramped. Maybe part of it was the nerves of knowing I'd be on the receiving end soon enough, but mostly because of the comical situation. Of imagining Crowley standing there examining his nails as Bobby ripped him a new one. I knew I wasn't exactly in trouble, not really. It wasn't as if it were my fault Crowley popped up in my room. But I'd still get a scolding for not going to Bobby the second the demon appeared. As I sat munching on a cookie, washing it down with the Coke, I continued to simper, the afternoon bright, though cloudy now. So much for starting to forget about Crowley. If he kept on making surprise visits and teasing advances like that I'd definitely start losing my self control. And fast.

"Bastard," I snickered, taking another long sip from the can.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Giggle giggle snort* I should not be enjoying this as much as I am xD Damn you Crowley...you pretentious peen, I love you.


	8. Pain Is Ready, Pain Is Waiting

"What in God's name were you thinking?" Bobby accused. I let out a groan, throwing my head back. It took a near three hours for Crowley to finally leave, not that I got to see him again before he did. What with Bobby's mood I decided my best bet was to stick around outside and away from the two while they discussed the hunt…or in all likelihood, while Bobby took any and all opportunity to curse Crowley. But when he did leave it was my turn to sit in the kitchen chair and hear every little thing that could have gone wrong.

"Bobby, stop making such a big deal of things. He aims to annoy, which is exactly what he clearly managed to do! I really don't think he's going to tie me to the bed and have his way with me while I'm here and you're in a room over. Besides, I have knees and I know where to aim." I tried to reason, doing all that I could to keep the smile from my face. But it was there, unintentional. And to be perfectly honest it was a bit amusing just how upset Bobby had gotten under some bad turns of events. I frightfully thought what his reaction would've been if he knew that I had actually kissed the demon. _Not to mention that you would, in fact, very much enjoy to be tied to the bed by him_ , my subconscious mind quipped, making it that much harder to keep a straight face.

"That's not the point, Lotus! He's a goddamn demon."

"Oh, I haven't noticed." The look he shot me silenced my sarcasm in an instant. "I know he's a demon, I'm not blind. Or stupid, you know! If he would have so much as tried anything I would've stabbed him in the neck. You don't need to worry about me so much, I'm a big girl. I can take care of myself."

"He's Crowley." Bobby grumbled, leaning back against the counter, arms crossed as his eyes bore into me. Like he knew exactly what had happened that night when he was gone and he was waiting for me to spill. But the only way that would have been possible if the demonic bastard told him. And as much as I might have hated Crowley at times and distrusted him, I hoped that he at least would have kept his word about that. "He manipulates and twists things to work in his favor, you know that."

 _Boy do I_. "Yes, Bobby…I know. Please stop worrying so much." I begged again. But by the huff he gave and how he pursed his lips I guessed I wasn't very convincing. Or he wasn't very convinced about the idea that Crowley had nothing in mind with me. Which…well, I wasn't convinced about that either but I had reasons for that at least. "You're making the face…stop it. You know I hate it." The faintest of smiles twitched at the corner of his lips and I knew I wasn't in any serious trouble.

Bobby opened his mouth to something else but at the moment a car rolled into the driveway and we both looked to the door. Normally unexpected visits weren't exactly pleasant. "Don't think this is over." Bobby warned, wagging a finger in my direction as I bolted from my seat, cackling with amusement.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah! We can pick up during dinner…hey, it's Sam!" I called over my shoulder when I saw the car.

I missed seeing the Impala, there was no doubt about that. But since Dean was off living a relatively normal life it was only Sammy who came now and again. But even that was a bit odd. I knew that he went through Hell, quite literally actually, and through a high level of it being trapped in a cage with none other than Lucifer himself. But ever since he had made his way back here, however that happened, he seemed a lot more distant. But his visits were always welcome, so when I opened the door I burst into a wide smile, holding my arms out to my sides.

"Hey! Look who decided to show up! Without missing any bits, good for you." I greeted cheerfully.

Sam smiled as he closed the car door, accepting the hug when I got close enough. "Hi to you too." He said, letting go after a few seconds. "Hey, Bobby." I turned back in time to see him nod, unmistakable relief mixed with worry in his eyes at the looked at the younger Winchester. "Everything alright?"

"Oh, yeah. Demon is being a prick, that's all." I told him with a laugh, walking back to the house alongside Sam. "What brings you here? Everything good on your part? No major catastrophe?"

"No, no, I was passing by. Decided to say hello." Sam replied with a scoff, clapping Bobby on the back as we walked past. "Heard you went on a hunt?" He asked Bobby.

I frowned and made a face at him, wondering what the big obsession was with Bobby's hunt. Furthermore, why Sam was showing up asking the same thing as Crowley. "Gee, Bobby, way to steal the spotlight."

"Well we can't all have demons leaving our bedrooms in the mornings." He shrugged nonchalantly.

I narrowed my eyes at him and gave a slow nod. "Touché."

"Uh…something I should know?" Sam inquired with a confused smile, lowering himself into one of the kitchen chairs as I went to get him a beer from the fridge.

"Nah, Crowley being Crowley, that's all." I answered before Bobby could, handing Sam the bottle. He thanked me and I gave a nod, letting out a sigh as I looked at the two hunters. "Well…go on. Do your thing, talk about your hunts while I go do womanly things and make sandwiches or something."

"And don't you forget your place." Bobby said with a huff. He burst into quiet laughter when I threw a towel at him.

For a good few hours they talked about the hunt, as well as a few other things. I did make sandwiches to eat, and added a few more beers to the mix. It was almost like old times, sitting around the cluttered kitchen table, talking about ghosts and adding jokes to make it seem somehow better. A bit more normal. Except that Dean was missing the party, and Sam didn't smile as easily anymore. I was happy for Dean, don't get me wrong. A normal life with a girl and a kid, in a boring suburban home with a typical boring job sounded appealing. To every hunter, no matter how much they denied it, it was appealing at some point or another. Though very few actually got a good enough opportunity to snatch the chance. But, no matter how truly happy I was for him, I missed him. The bantering and teasing.

"Alright guys," I said standing, stretching my muscles pleasantly. "As much fun as this is it's turning a bit too mundane for my taste. I'm gonna go for a walk." It wasn't really, but hearing them reminisce about the old days was starting to bring on an unfavorable effect on me, my eyes stinging now and again at certain mentions of memories. Pranks we used to play and movie nights we had.

"You alright, kid?" Bobby asked, slight frown on his face as he looked up at me. I nodded, collecting the empty bottles off the tabletop.

"Yeah, fine Bobby. Guys want anything else to eat, drink?" Sam shook his head. Bobby still looked unconvinced but he understood where I was coming from. "I'll just be out back."

"Alright. Don't do anything I wouldn't" Bobby sighed, rubbing his eyes.

"I'm gonna take a walk in a junkyard, what do you think is gonna happen?" I chuckled, finding a pair of worn shoes to put on.

"Knowing you?" He drawled jokingly, making me laugh and make a show of rolling my eyes.

"You never let me do anything!" I replied in a high-pitched voice. Sam chuckled as Bobby smiled, happy to improve my mood. Which he normally did, and rather easily at that. It was difficult to keep a straight face when Bobby tried to crack jokes.

"Get out of here, idjit." He chuckled affectionately.

"Going, going. And you don't leave without saying goodbye." I warned Sam.

"Would I ever do that?" Sam asked with mocking hurt in his voice, eyes wide trying to look innocent.

"You did last time, you gigantic freak." I got out the door before he had a chance to retort.

It felt nice being outside, albeit slightly chilly. But it helped to clear my mind, breathing in the fresh air, calming my nerves. For a minute I stood on the porch, enjoying the moment of calm. Sam and Bobby were inside, Dean was off living a life. For however brief of a moment, things seemed to be alright. And after all that had happened with Lucifer, the apocalypse…it was almost surreal. Glancing back at the house for a second I smiled and made my way down the steps, turning to the junkyard.

I didn't wander around there overly much, not unless I needed to. But with the sun setting and being half drunk, driving wasn't much of an option. The junkyard was familiar, at least. And calming in its own strange way. It wasn't until I got toward the back that something changed. For instance, the air suddenly took on a sulfuric scent for a brief second and there was a stronger gust of wind than before. And even before I turned back I knew who it was that stood a few feet behind me.

"Oh boy…you're back." I drawled, looking at Crowley with a grin. Though he didn't seem as relaxed as he did in the morning, a scowl lining his face, deepening the wrinkles on his forehead. "What? What's wrong now? Are you still pissy about Bobby yelling at you?"

Crowley huffed, fixing the collar of his coat, wiping away flecks of lint from his shoulders. "His yelling did nothing more than give me a headache." He finally replied, voice gravelly with annoyance.

"Ah, trouble in paradise, then?" I asked instead, nodding my head so he'd follow. The more out of sight I was from the house the better. If Bobby were to see me talking to Crowley again there'd be a lot more explaining to do.

"Oh no…not at all. Those blubbering morons are doing a great job of screwing everything up." He grumbled, but took the hint and fell into step with me. Again I couldn't hold back a chuckle and felt his eyes on me.

"Stop glaring at me like that, it's not going to change anything." I told him, glancing back now and again as we maneuvered around the piles of broken down cars. "You still haven't told me why you're here."

"Was hoping you could make it all better." This time when I looked at him I saw his usual smirk was back in its place. His eyes, though still holding stress and annoyance, shone with a familiar mischievous spark and his back was once more straight. Demeanor as it should have been. "Angry sex is the best kind, you know…and yes, I am speaking from experience, love."

"There's the Crowley I know." I quipped, nudging him on the shoulder. He cocked an eyebrow at that but didn't comment, simply chuckled in response. "So…you don't come to talk just to talk, something happen that I should know about? Or you need some lore and are too afraid to ask Bobby?"

"I'm not afraid of Bobby," he huffed, tilting his chin up in defense. I held up my hands in an apology and refrained from laughing again. I knew exactly how Bobby could get and demon or not, it could get frightening. "Actually, I came for you."

"Huh?" I stopped in my footsteps. He made comments about coming for me, all laced with sexual innuendos. But this time his voice sounded sincere and truthful. "What in Gods name do you need me for?" I muttered, falling into step with him again after regaining my composure.

"Well, besides the obvious that you turned down a moment ago, you could say…a hunt." His words didn't ease my curiosity or confusion. Just spiked up a plethora of new questions. Crowley asking _me_ for help? On a hunt? After being constantly so interested in the odd cases, coming in the middle of the night asking questions about unusual monsters or what hurts them. What was happening? What was the demon up to? "Do wipe that expression from your face, darling, it's making you look like one of the demons I left in charge." Crowley muttered mockingly.

"I'm sorry…why-why are you interested in a hunt? And more importantly, why do you need _my_ help in it? Can't you ask one of your minions or something? If you haven't noticed yet I'm not exactly the hunter type. I can tell the difference between two ends of a gun, but I don't exactly do the; rush into a vampire den and try to decapitate them all. They might laugh themselves to death, but not many heads are actually gonna roll." I reasoned with him, stopping at the end of the lot, leaning against one of the broken down cars as I tried to process his request.

"Because they can't. I need someone who sleeps." My brow furrowed furthermore as I gawked at him. The more he talked, it seemed, the more confused I got.

"Okay…just…please explain before I think myself to death, huh?" I asked, scratching the back of my neck.

Crowley chuckled, the sound sardonic and filled with amusement. "I need you as bait." Well, that definitely cleared up a few of my questions. And eased my nerves about him possibly thinking that I'd go slash and hack for his benefit. Then again, I wasn't exactly ready to go sit in a trap until something potentially bloody and without doubt deadly was coming for me. Or, what was an even worse idea, someone innocent. "It's an unpleasant sort of beasty, if you will, and I need you asleep so he'd come after you."

My eyebrows rose up in confusion, arms crossing over my chest. "You realize I'm making a list of sarcastic retorts telling you to go stick it up your rear, right?"

He only smirked, light dancing in his eyes. "Do tell, you might give me a few new ideas." He retorted, causing me to scoff, though I still couldn't quite believe it. He wasn't the sort to ask for help, ever if it was to use someone as bait for that matter. "Thing is, it's a Mare. Heard of it, perhaps?"

I took a few moments to think, searching through my lists of monsters and the kind that I had ever come across in books. "Mare…Mare…the uh…the nightmare thing?"

"Yes…the nightmare thing." Crowley drawled. "That's why I need you. Demons can't sleep, darling."

Mare's were…a sort of family to Shtriga's in my opinion. In old folklore they'd come when you slept, sat on your chest and caused nightmares. Except there wasn't much written about them in the books, and they never posed as a problem. In fact, I couldn't remember anyone ever actually finding a case. "But they cause nightmares…sleep paralysis...that's it. They don't kill. Besides, I thought they were more of a wives-tale than anything."

He sighed heavily, moving to lean on the car beside me. "You've met Lucifer…don't you think it's time to throw the ol' skepticism out the window?" I heard the strain in his voice as he tried to remain calm and realized that with him already being grumpy I might need to be a bit more careful in what I said.

"Well…explain to me, please."

"They're not folklore, and are in fact very real. Pesky things, really. There's very few left and one is currently in a small town in Georgia. They cause nightmares until the person goes mad with fright and then they suffocate them." He e explained, making me cringe slightly. That was probably one of the worst ways to go. Trapped in your own mind, in the worst possible scenario that your mind could develop. It was short of being called Hell. "And as it may be, they're attracted to people with traumatic pasts. Makes for causing nightmares easier."

"I don't have a traumatic past." I said defensively. Crowley looked at me with raised eyebrows, like questioning my beliefs. "What…I don't…it's a bit colorful, that's all. Okay, whatever, why are you coming to me? Why not wait for someone in the town to get attacked or…go to someone else?"

"Because if you haven't noticed, I don't make a lot of friends who have the potential to stick their knife in my back. And I need to catch the thing, not kill it, and before you ask no I'm not telling you why."

"Okay," I scoffed, shaking my head. "I'm not going to help you, you know that right? Bobby's already angry with me and quite frankly; I don't trust you. And as fun as it sounds to get my mind torn apart by fear; I'll have to pass." Despite my reasoning, Crowley continued to smirk. Staring at me like he knew something I didn't and I couldn't say that it made me feel very comfortable. In fact, I was starting to grow very fidgety. The idea of going on this "hunt" was unsettling enough, but to think that he was now capturing monsters was even worse. It simply meant that he really was up to something.

"Actually, yes…you are." He chuckled. "Don't worry, I'll make sure you come back here sane and in one piece. I just need you to sleep, is that too much to ask for? I'll have you back here before the night is even through. Bobby won't know you've been gone."

My eyes narrowed at him, his supposedly comforting words of encouragement doing nothing to help. "Uh…why are you so sure that I'll help you?" I dared to ask.

"Ah, well you see I took the liberty of taking a few pictures that night. Sorry, darling, I couldn't resist. You simply looked so adorable." As he spoke Crowley pulled out his phone, clicking a button to bring the backlight to life. And my jaw went slack seeing that his background of choice was me and him. Apparently, when I fell asleep on the sofa, my head lolled to the side and onto his shoulder. And though I looked peaceful enough, Crowley was smiling wickedly at the camera, his head even leaning a bit against mine. "Wouldn't want Bobby to see that now would we?"

"What…that…that's so creepy! Gimme that!" I lunged for his phone but he was quick to pull back, slipping it back into his coat pocket. My heart beat frantically in my chest, mouth dry and mind reeling madly. Explaining to Bobby why Crowley left my bedroom in the morning was one thing, but him actually seeing a picture? And as innocent as it may have been I'd _definitely_ get locked up until the next coming. "Oh, you are so unfair." I huffed, narrowing my eyes at him.

Crowley grinned smugly, triumphantly, patting his pocket where the mobile resided. Great…now he had evidence and he was blackmailing me. Even if it wasn't an entirely horrible, let's-walk-to-hell plan, it was still bad. And health-hazardous. "That's my job." He said in a low and dangerous tone, throwing his arm around my shoulders despite me trying to move away. "Come on, darling. It'll be fun! And I promise-"

"To destroy the picture after I help you?" I tried hopefully, finally slipping out from under his arm. My skin tingling pleasantly from the contact, stomach twisting into knots.

"No, no. Don't be silly! I like it far too much to do something like that." Another deep chuckle rolled from in his throat, causing me to make a face. This was turning out to be so dreadfully bad. "Now, I'll come get you tonight at say…an hour till midnight. We'll go on over to Georgia, you'll sleep for a few hours, I'll get what I need and have you back for breakfast. How does that sound?" His lips stretched into a smile as he leaned closer to me, acting as though this was nothing more than a game.

I ran my fingers through my hair, thinking. It wasn't as though I'd let him take someone innocent, they'd have much smaller of a chance of survival. And though Crowley could've been bluffing I somehow didn't want to risk Bobby ever seeing that picture. Call me a chicken but I'd rather face crippling nightmares than the wrath of Bobby. "It's not like I have a choice." I grumbled.

"Fantastic." Crowley beamed, clapping his hands together. "And don't worry…your help will not go unrewarded." His voice has dropped and octave as he leaned in to kiss my cheek. Despite wanting to shiver in delight of the damningly wonderful feeling of having his lips against my skin, I sulked, glaring at him from the corner of my eye.

"Oh…go to Heaven." I grumbled, making a face at him. It only caused Crowley to laugh as he stepped back, fixing his coat as though it were a reflex of some sort.

"I'll see you in a few hours. Oh and try not to have Bobby up at that hour. It'd be bad for both of us if he were to walk in and see me in your bedroom twice in one day. And not doing anything fun, that's just setting a bad reputation for me." He disappeared before I could say anything, which in all likelihood would've been the start of an exorcism.

I sank back onto the hood of the beaten down car, cradling my head. When did these things start spiraling out of control? And why did I have to be so _stupid_? It was Crowley! I knew it was Crowley and I kissed him and got drunk with him, as if he never would've taken advantage of that. And now I was going to help him catch a-a Mara. Why was he needing to catch it? What was happening in the underside of the supernatural world? We just barely got Lucifer locked up again, and now another apocalypse was stirring? I didn't even want to begin thinking of the possibilities. And the worst part was that now I was assisting in it because I was too stupid to be able to control my raging hormones.

"Lotus!" bobby's voice rang out from the distance, calling me back to the house. Must've meant that Sam was leaving. As I pushed back from the car I checked my watch for the time. A heavy sigh left my lips, my shoulders slumping.

Four hours until I got to go get the shit beaten out of me by my nightmares.


	9. Go On And Scare Me To Death

Bobby didn't go to sleep at eleven. But luckily enough, I managed to slip off to my own room without suspicion. It wasn't easy, and I wasn't a grade A liar either. Throughout the remainder of the day Bobby asked me what was wrong. He was worried, said I looked like something was really bothering me. No, of course not. What could go wrong when working with Crowley? Apart from well…everything. This was all going so bad. Not to mention that my plan to rid of Crowley was dancing around in fire after being doused in gasoline. If he kept this up I'd never get him out of my head, especially with what my feelings were doing. I sneered at the thought. Feelings…those weren't feelings. Those were really pesky hormones. But wasn't that even worse?

I sank onto my bed, rubbing my temples. This was oh so bad. Liking a bad boy, that was one thing. Every girl went through that phase, I think. Having something you can't have. It was exciting. But this was…a demon. The same kind of being that killed Bobby's wife, screwed up the Winchesters' lives, forced my own parents into the lifestyle of hunting and were downright dicks all around. And above all, he was in charge of Hell, now. Liking a bad boy was one thing…but liking Crowley was in an entirely different galaxy of things. And I knew it wasn't going to go away. Not anytime soon, and definitely not with what he was doing. Winding me so easily around his finger. I touched my cheek where he had kissed me earlier today. Yes…he knew exactly what he was doing and he didn't care. And I wasn't complaining.

Glancing at my bedside table I saw the note. Still folded neatly, my name written in black curly letters. If I couldn't even bring myself to throw that out, how was I supposed to get him out of my mind? _Well, it isn't as if you actually want to_ , I told myself. And I was right. I didn't want to get him out of my mind. Despite me hating the fact that it was him I was taking such a liking to, I _liked_ liking him. I _liked_ his comments, and advances, and winks. Who wouldn't? He was a Hell of a guy to get attention from. Especially when it was the sort where he wasn't personally seeing to your tortures.

"Ready?" I jumped slightly, turning back to look at Crowley who now stood a few feet away. Though his coat was abandoned he still wore the fine tailored suit, clean, as it always seemed to be. I only ever saw it torn up when he was on the run from Lucifer.

"Shh…" I hushed, standing up, frowning disapprovingly. Part of me had hoped that maybe he found another way to do the job. But, like promised, he had come at exactly eleven o'clock. "Bobby's still awake." I murmured, walking up to him, arms crossed.

"Well, better not dawdle around." With a smirk he grabbed me around the waist, which was most certainly not necessary for transportation. And furthermore, he had to tug me against him, his other hand in his pocket as if this was a normal stance for us. I glared at him, which was turning out to be a regular response to just about everything that he did. But, alas, my body was having an entirely different reaction. Goosebumps running down my spine, back ever so slightly curving against him. This, apart from every moral hiccup, was in fact a very comfortable place to be. And being that close to Crowley simply spread a warm feeling from the roots of my hair to my tips of my toes.

I blinked and we were no longer in my bedroom but instead in a rather lavished hotel room. Nothing too fancy, but in all likelihood the best that money could buy in whatever town of Georgia that we were currently in. I took a moment to regain my grounding, not used to the way demons travelled. Even angels, for that matter. It was odd to find yourself in a completely different setting in the blink of an eye. "Next time we're taking the car." I muttered, wanting to step back. But Crowley kept his arm securely around my waist. Still smirking as he glanced about and nodded to the bed.

"Yes, well, time is a factor, dearie. And we don't have much of it." Adding a wink for good measure he walked me to the bed, only stepping back when my leg brushed the edge of the mattress. "Now…you don't look like you're dressed for sleep." His brow furrowed, eyes flashing mischievously.

"What, you think the Mare is going to care what I'm wearing?" I scoffed, side still warm from where he had his arm, where his fingers had pressed into the skin beneath the shirt.

"No…but I do." He lifted his hand and snapped his finger, smirk reaching his eyes that were now travelling the length of my body.

"Oh…oh this is low…" I hissed, staring down at myself with a scowl. He had changed the comfort of my jeans and tee into an overly cliché nightgown. Barely reaching mid-thigh, the front revealing, straps barely half an inch, material silky and black. Not to mention that my bra was gone and…"Am I wearing lacy underwear?" I said in a small voice, a new-found horror crossing my face.

Crowley chortled, tongue running along his lips as he slowly drew his eyes up to mine. "Would you like me to check?" a small and gurgling whine left the back of my throat which only seemed to amuse Crowley further. It was definitely uncomfortable. The nightgown, if you could call it that, was one thing. But feeling your _panties_ change was taking it to a whole new level. Not that I should've been surprised, this was Crowley after all. But I did feel like someone was being overly invasive with me. Which he was, in all technicality.

"You so owe me for this." I finally managed. Crowley pushed me gently onto the bed and as quickly as I could, without letting anything… _pop out_ , I got under the covers, making a show of turning my back to him. Except that the demon wouldn't have any of that and again, like in the morning, I found myself on my back, staring up at Crowley who was leaning down awfully close to me.

"You know…after all this is over we should stick around for a little while." He murmured, brushing back my hair, twining a strand around his finger as he chuckled at my reaction. My mouth gaped slightly as I stared up, breathing hitched. This was no good…no good at all. Again my heart jumped in my throat, beating like trying to make a run for it. "I'd very much like to get my tongue under that lace." Another shiver ran through my body at the image that ran through my mind.

I gulped, searching my mind for words. "Can we just get this over and done with?" My voice was quiet, hardly above a whisper, though luckily steady.

"All work and no play, hmm?" Crowley mused, leaning further down until his face was blurry, breath warm against my skin. "Have it your way, then." As he finished the word he pressed his lips to mine.

I let out another whine, quiet in surprise at the unneeded kiss. But it was…welcome. And suddenly my mind was clouding, eyes closing, muscles relaxing completely into the soft mattress. So inviting. For the briefest of moments I felt Crowley's teeth nip at my lip, tongue running over the spot before he pulled away, kissing his way down my cheek and to my ear. I felt drugged, like part of me was floating someplace else. That odd state between being asleep and awake. So even when he nipped at my earlobe all I could do was sigh in response. "Sweet nightmares, darling…I'll see you when you wake." He murmured before the darkness rolled completely over my mind.

_The mood wasn't dark when I opened my eyes. There were no weird intestines hanging from the walls or eerie music playing the background as the ceiling dripped water from an asbestos infected ceiling. In fact, it was light. The room vaguely familiar, and I realized soon why. I was home. Well, one of my homes. In the sitting room. But it was…quiet. No clatter from the kitchen, no bickering of my parents. I moved around the rooms slowly, grinning at the memories they brought. Why was I here? There was a sudden knock on the door. Rapid and unyielding._

" _I'm coming, I'm coming!" I shouted, quickening my step as I neared the door. And as I flung it open I was met by an out of breath and very frantic looking Darrell. He was a good friend from school, wasn't he? Why did he look so scared? "What's wrong?" I asked slowly._

" _It's…it's your parents." He panted, grabbing me by the wrist. "Come on!" then he yanked on my arm and I was running along his side. My legs pumping fast, as fast as they could carry me. I pulled out in front of him when I saw the scene in the distance. A car flipped over on its back, ambulances and police surrounding the wreckage. Group of people standing around, most having their heads turned away. And when they saw me approach I saw their eyes. Saw the sorrow, the guilt in them. Looking away from the scene as though searching for something wholesome. Something that could still give them hope._

" _Move, move!" I shouted angrily, shoving past the people. Police made an attempt to hold me back but I wasn't stopping. "MOVE!"_

_I wish they would've held me back._

_The bodies weren't right. They were crooked, angled all wrong. Bone fragments protruding from broken skin, smeared and stained with crimson. There was so much blood, on the street, on the bodies, the car. The mangled turned over car._ _Someone was screaming…I was screaming. I kept fighting to get to them but I couldn't move. My feet were leaded, eyes wide. Unable to look away…why wasn't I looking away? I screamed louder. I wanted my lungs to burst, to fill with blood, to drown. I didn't want to look…how much longer could I look? The figures began to move. Gurgled moans leaving their cut lips, bones grinding as they turned to look at me. Black soulless eyes, their mouths opening and closing, teeth chipped, some missing. And I couldn't look away._

_No…no this wasn't right._

_I never saw my parents die…I wasn't there…I was never there._

_The scene shifted and suddenly I was back in my room. Gasping for air, my throat feeling hoarse, clawing at any skin I could find so I'd inflict enough pain to wake up…I had to wake up. No…no I had to sleep. There was a reason I had to sleep. When I finally stopped panting for air, my hands growing slack, I looked around my new surroundings. My room…which room? This wasn't Bobby's…this wasn't my room. It couldn't have been. The sheets on the bed were gray, worn out without the familiar pattern, the mattress not as soft as I remembered it being. Two other beds stood along the walls. What was this place? Was it the orphanage? But I wasn't in the orphanage. I went to Bobby's after my parents died. I was never here. The door slammed shut suddenly. This wasn't right. I bolted from the bed, throwing my shoulder against the wooden door but it didn't budge. So I tried again, I pounded as hard as I could with my fists and feet but no matter how hard I tried it wouldn't budge._

_Suddenly I felt a chill. It formed around me, seeping through my clothing, into my skin and bones. Into my very soul, it was burning. The cold was so bad it seemed to burn and I began to shiver, something else coming over the place. Dark…frightening. This wasn't right. I had to get out of here. All I knew was that I had to get out of here. So again I started to pick up on trying to knock the door open. Again it was a futile attempt. And when I turned back I screamed. The walls…the walls were leaking blood. And I could suddenly smell it, it was all around me. When I moved I slipped, fell forward and barely caught myself with my hands. Except that I caught a reflection of myself in something wet. The substance warm, sticky. It was filling up the room. The blood was filling up the room!_

_I'd drown in it. As the thought dawned on me I scrambled to get up. Needed a way out…there had to be a way out. But as I breathed in the blood seemed to stick to the back of my throat, on my tongue. It made me gag, retch with disgust. Why was there so much blood? I moved along the walls, trying to look for something. Anything. The window, perhaps? It was barred. And no matter how hard I pulled the bars didn't budge. The blood was rising, it was up past my ankles now. I had to do something…I had to do something! And then another noise caught my ears. Gurgling…it wasn't mine but it was gurgling…behind me._

_I didn't want to turn back. I was afraid…I couldn't breathe, it was sickening and I didn't want to hear. But I needed to…I had to make sure it was there. But why? Why did I have to turn? I did, though. I turned, and my eyes widened. Another shriek left my lips before I choked on a sob. My knees buckled and yet I couldn't look away from the sight. I fell into the blood…_ their _blood._

_They were nailed to the wall. Arms spread wide…there was Bobby, and my mom…and my dad. And they were nailed to the fucking wall. Their arms slashed, their throats slit. There were cuts on their stomach. Massive slashes as though someone had torn them to ribbons. So much so that even the intestines that hung out were torn and shredded. I could see their organs…goddamn it I could see their organs! And the blood, it was pooling from their wounds, their throats, their arms. But they were alive. They were still alive. I saw their lips move, their eyes pleading. I could see their lungs expanding beneath the broken rib cage. I could see their hearts pump. And I saw their lips move._

Help…help us…

_Their voices were in my head. They were in my head so I screamed again. Covered my ears and pleaded it all to stop. But the blood was rising, and I was sitting in it, back pressed against the wall and unable to look away. The voices grew louder, climbing over each other, rising in volume, screaming and murmuring and pleading. I sobbed until I lost my voice. Until I began to hiccup on my own tears, until I could no longer breathe because all I could taste was blood. It felt like it was filling my lungs._

"Please, make it stop _._ Make it stop, just make it stop. Kill me and make it stop, I beg of you MAKE IT STOP!"

And it did.

I scrambled, screamed and fought against the hands trying to restrain me. I screamed until my voice felt hoarse and pushed away. Eyes open I looked around. I could still smell it, feel it…I could still _taste_ it. And for a moment I could've sworn I still saw it dripping down the walls. So I closed my eyes but that was worse. Because behind my eyelids I saw the bodies. Behind my eyelids I saw _them_ pleading for help. And I choked on another sob, eyes open again. There was something we on my face…it was warm and it was wet! It was the blood…it was the blood…

Suddenly everything stopped.

My head was turned and I was staring at the side of the room. Shaking madly, sweat covering my skin, damping my hair, making it stick to the back of my neck. Tears continued to stream down my cheeks and…one side of my face stung. It stung like someone had slapped me, and hard.

"Lotus, darling, you're awake." The voice…gravelly and low. I turned my head, eyes finally landing on the figure who had tried to restrain me. His suit jacket missing a button, part of the collar of his shirt upturned and tie crooked. I had been fighting him, hadn't I? I stared at him and continued to quake.

Crowley…I was on a job with Crowley. The Mare. That's why I was asleep. That's why I couldn't breathe. That's why my mind felt like it was raw and torn to near shreds. None of it was real…and yet I could still smell the faint scent of blood. And he pulled me in. The demon whose fault this was suddenly pulled me into his arms. Crushed me against his chest and rubbed my back. And I couldn't find it in me to fight back. To hit him back, punch and claw at him until he felt the same pain I just had to endure.

"Did you get it?" I managed instead, voice rough from misuse. Choppy and quiet as I fought back cries.

"Mh-hmm…one nasty Mare being transported as we speak." He murmured. And though his actions were comforting, his voice wasn't. It still held the cold, the distance only demons could accomplish. Because he didn't care…not really. But having me in his arms like he did was better than having me sob, so he'd endure it. Because it benefited him.

I didn't wrap my arms around him. I didn't even lean against him that much. But I did turn my head, just a little, to bury my nose in the collar of his shirt. And I breathed in. My stomach settled almost instantaneously, like I had just gulped in a breath of fresh air. I smelt amber and oak…and well aged scotch, the kind that he liked to drink. I could smell black tea, and tobacco…and perhaps that was all in my head. But I didn't care. Not one bit because it wasn't blood. And though I continued to shake, though my heart felt as though it'd beat up through my throat and slip off my tongue and I was ready to vomit from the images I had seen and felt an indescribable fear that I knew nothing could take away; I realized that it was a nightmare.

It had all been just a nightmare.

I never saw my parents die. I never went to an orphanage. And Bobby was alive, probably asleep on the sofa in his study because he didn't feel like walking up to his bedroom. It had been nothing more than a nightmare. Upon realizing that I pushed away, wiping frantically at my face. No one saw me cry. Not when I broke my leg or cracked ribs or even when I stood at the funeral. I simply didn't cry, it never solved anything so what was the need to make a scene? And now Crowley had. He saw me cry, and sob, and scream. I lashed out at him and he slapped me and then hugged me. Another wave of nausea hit me and a retched.

"Bathroom..." I managed. Crowley nodded to a door and I sprang from the bed, running, nearly tripping to the toilet. The next few minutes I spent throwing up, my throat burning and eyes watering. And in the nasty process, when I couldn't breathe, I was reminded of the suffocation I felt in the nightmare. The panic that came with it didn't help. When I flushed I found a glass being held out for me, filled with water for me to rinse my mouth with. I didn't thank Crowley as I took it, I didn't even look at him for that matter. And when I stood he helped me remain steady. A snap of his fingers and I was back in my old clothes. It brought little comfort, but little was better than none.

"I didn't mean for it to get so far." Crowley explained, his voice still low as though he was trying to comfort a frightened animal. "Nor did I mean to hit you. That was rude of me." I think he would've chuckled if I would've showed signs of acknowledgment to his talking. But how could I? He wasn't even apologizing. He didn't even bother faking a goddamn "sorry" for what had happened.

"Take me back," I asked meekly. I didn't want to be here. I didn't want to be in a room with a man I couldn't even look in the eyes…no, not a man. He was a demon. A demon who I had giggled about, kissed, gotten drunk with and bantered with. I didn't want to be near him…not tonight. Not now.

"Of course love," he replied, and took me around the waist. But he didn't pull me close to him, this time. He didn't make a sexual innuendo. I don't even think he was smirking. Another snap of his fingers and I was back in my room. _My_ room. Things as I had left them. "Thank you for your help." Crowley said, and I felt the press of his lips against the cheek he had earlier hit. The kiss soft and tender, lingering for a moment too long. "I'll see you around." He was gone within the second, leaving me shaking again.

Painstakingly alone and partially stuck in that nightmare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah...I might've gotten a wee bit carried away there. My deepest and sincerest apologies...but it started off pretty good!  
> ...  
> I'll just go find a way to make up for this.  
> BUT, thank you all who are actually reading this!! Seriously, thank you. A million and plus some. I love you all for bearing through this with me :)
> 
> -Sylleth


	10. And I Don't Wanna See What I've Seen

I didn't go back to sleep that night. For obvious reason, I normally didn't sleep again after a regular nightmare. But that? Instead I took my time in my room, waiting until my quiet sobs stopped and I could leave. Check on Bobby…I knew it was a nightmare but I had check. He had, as predicted, fallen asleep in the sitting room. Mouth open, familiar snores not letting the silence settle. His chest rose and fell with each deep breath and for a while I stood watching. It was creepy. I knew it was, but it helped me calm down. And when I was sure that I wasn't about to break down again, I moved to cover him with a blanket and place his hat, which had fallen to the floor, on the coffee table. From the kitchen I grabbed a bottle of whiskey, most of it gone already, and headed upstairs for a shower. A long and extremely needed shower.

It was when I glanced in the mirror, clothing discarded in the hamper, that I realized it really had been a monster…a being. Across my chest, my stomach, there were bruises. Almost black, in the shapes of three-toed feet, elongated, curving around my sides. One at the top of my chest, much too close to my throat. When I touched one, I felt the pain. But in my still dazed state it hardly phased me. I couldn't remember the last time I was so scared…it was unnatural. Deep rooted, right into my bones. I felt, even though I was awake, like I was still stuck in that room. Like there was nothing but darkness that still weighed down on my shoulders, nothing but fear that would never go away.

I hated nightmares.

In the shower I finished off most of the whiskey, and slowly, excruciatingly so, I relaxed. Just a little. My muscles unclenched, the fear even receded a little. I stayed under the water until it grew cold, only then deciding that it was time to get out. And only then did I decide to check the time, finding that it was almost seven. That was good. The sun would be up soon, and I could start on breakfast. My stomach lurched unpleasantly at the thought. Alright…breakfast for Bobby.

Wrapping a towel around myself I shuffled back to my room to get dressed. Hiding the bruises would be easy. It was getting chilly these days, so long sleeved shirts and hoodies were expected. But it was the rest of me I knew I couldn't hide. I saw that my face was pale, I saw that my eyes were frantic. In the reflection in the bathroom mirror; I looked like I had seen a ghost. Pardon me for the choice of words, but it was the best description I could provide…maybe not a ghost. A bloody, awful, twisted, tormented screaming ghost. Bobby would be quick to catch that, and thus questions would follow. And again I'd be forced to lie about how it was just a bad dream. I suppose it wouldn't be a total lie, at least. It was a nightmare I had…induced by a Mare while helping Crowley. I'd just leave that part out.

When I finished dressing and walked to the nightstand to turn off the light, I froze in my steps. Staring at the bottle left beside Crowley's old note. It was Craig…unopened and had a red bow tied around the neck of the bottle. When had he left that here? Was this his way of an apology? A bottle of Craig? Did he honestly think that seeing it I'd suddenly forget all about him blackmailing me? Part of me grew outraged. So much so that my fingers twitched to grab it and throw it against the wall. Instead I clicked the light off and walked out of the room. What was I expecting? This was Crowley…and Crowley didn't apologize.

A good month passed before things began to go back to normal for me. The first few weeks were rough to say the least. Bobby noticed my change immediately, asked what nightmare I had. And truth be told, I was too afraid to tell him. Because somehow giving voice to it would've made it feel a bit more real. And though I didn't actually have the nightmare again, I caught tidbits of it. When I slept, that is. In two weeks I didn't sleep more than ten hours. Nodding off now and again when my brain simply refused to work. Which was the cause of me getting fired about halfway through the month. Sleep deprivation and crappy, rude customers didn't exactly bode well with me.

Slowly but surely, though, I began to deal with it. The nightmare didn't seem so bad, anymore, becoming more and more like a veiled over dream. I even opened the bottle that Crowley had left for me. I didn't forgive him per se, but I also didn't blame him anymore. Though it _was_ his fault that things had escalated due to him needing to make sure to get the Mere, or maybe get his rocks off watching me trash around I bed, I couldn't blame him. He was a demon, after all. And yes, he blackmailed me. But there were worse hunters out there. He did bring me back, after all, and if I tried really hard I could almost make out an apology in the bottle of Craig he had left.

Still, every night I had to force myself to go to bed. To turn off the light and close my eyes because though I dreamt of that room less and less, it was still in the back of my mind. I never would have thought that a bad nightmare would have had such an awful effect. Not that it should have surprised me. But it made me feel…weak. Being surrounded by Sam and Dean and Bobby, by people who had suffered so much through life and still lived on and managed to smile and joke…how could I ever live up to that? A nightmare had rendered me basically immobile. I did my best, for Bobby's sake, to go on through my days like normal. Still, I felt _pathetic_ for my reaction. No matter how much I tried to rationalize it.

It was turning dark again. I glanced out the window at the setting sun and sighed heavily, frowning. First snow fell the night before, covering the ground with a thin sheet of white, erasing blemishes from the land. I loved winter…except for now. Because that meant it'd get dark sooner, as it was now. Six in the afternoon and already I had the lights on. Which meant that my demons would come out to play from the shadows and though it truly was easier to keep them at bay I didn't always manage. I replaced the cap on the bottle of Craig and turned to go downstairs and start on dinner when Crowley appeared.

"What the…oh god." I huffed, legs nearly buckling under me from his weight. His suit was torn, face bloody and beaded with sweat. And he appeared staggering, slumping against me as I struggled to catch him and help him stand again. Crowley panted, feeting unstable as he swayed and glared at me like this was all somehow my fault. I doubted he was actually angry at me, but he needed to get his rage out on someone apparently.

"Thank you," He grumbled, cradling his side, blood dripping onto my floor as I led him to my bed, letting him slump onto the mattress. That's when I noticed the slight smoke rising from his back and glanced behind. My eyes widened seeing that a good portion of his suit was torn off and the skin was cut up and blistering from what I assumed was holy water.

"What the hell happened to you?" I hissed, not quite believing the sight. Crowley looked like he had gone through all seven levels of hell. His hair was sticking to his forehead, his lip was cut, cheek bruised, and he was seeping blood. A lot of blood. That's when I began to breathe heavier. The smell hitting my nose. I was never afraid of blood before. It didn't bother me, I didn't like it but it never bothered me. Now, as I stood staring, I felt my body grown cold. And suddenly flush with nauseating heat, head swimming madly as I begun to sway.

"Lotus," I heard Crowley's voice cut through. I closed my eyes and stumbled back until my back hit the wall. Sliding down I put my head between my knees and forced myself to breathe slow and deep. "Don't tell me you're going to faint." He groused, voice rough and misused. If I would've had it in me I would've added to his cuts. But my primary concern was staying conscious.

"Bobby's home…get out." I managed, dizziness slowly subsiding. And I was just beginning to think that the nightmare was behind me.

"If you haven't noticed I'm here for a reason." He muttered sourly. In other words he needed help and I was the only one he knew that would do it. Except that I didn't want to help him. I wanted him out of here, I wanted him to leave and take my nightmares with him so I could breathe normally again and be able to help people and look at blood without remembering how I was drowning in it.

"I don't care…out…I want you out." I repeated, keeping my eyes closed, heart finally slowing, though I still felt nauseous. But even as I said it I knew I'd be the one patching him up. "What happened?"

"Rough night with a hooker." I glanced up at his comment, surprised not to see he wasn't smirking. But at least he was still sarcastic, so I suppose I wouldn't be working with a critical life threatening decision. Come to think of it, why not simply change vessels? Not that I minded seeing him looking like…well, him. "Will you _help_ me?" The way he said "help" would've made me laugh if I wasn't in the midst of an anxiety attack. Like he was spitting out something utterly bitter and revolting.

Slowly I pushed myself up the wall, eyes on his rather than the blood. "Hold on…" I finally muttered, leaving the room quickly, shutting the door behind me as I went. I walked slowly, bidding my time to regain my composure and catch my breath, pinching my cheeks to bring color back to them. "Hey Bobby?" I called as I walked down the stairs, finding him half napping on the sofa with the television droning the news.

"Hmm?" He hummed, jerking slightly and letting out a long and rather loud yawn. "Sorry," he apologized when his mouth finally closed.

"Can I ask you for a _huge_ favor?" I asked, smiling as sweetly as I could, ignoring the creeping guilt I felt for lying to him.

Bobby arched an eyebrow, smiling kindly at me. "What do you need?" he sighed, attempting to sound exasperated.

"Take out." I grinned, giving him my most pleading look. "Please…I really want Chinese and I had something to drink so I can't drive." At least that much was true.

"Now?" Bobby groaned, but I saw the grin. "Using that look isn't fair, you know."

"Will you then?"

"Yes," he sighed, running his hands over his face, chuckling. "Some woman you are…can't even cook dinner."

"Yes, this woman also knows where to buy laxatives and how to make cookies." I threatened playfully.

Bobby made a face at me, standing up and yawning again. I followed him to the door, hiding my shame for forcing him out of the house so I could take care of a demon. "What will you want?" He asked, thanking me when I handed him his jacket.

"Seafood delight, like usual, and Rangoon." I told him, knowing that food was the last thing on my mind. Knowing that when he got back I'd have to force it down my throat and smile and talk to him. I only hoped that by then Crowley would be gone. "Drive safe, okay? It could be slippery out there." I warned as he grabbed the keys to his truck.

"Always am."

"Have you wallet?"

"Uh…somewhere…there it is. Want anything else while I'm out?"

"Nah, should be good. Maybe some more beer? I think we're down to a few bottles." I stood on my toes to kiss him on the cheek. "Thank you,"

He hummed, smile twitching on his lips. He smiled because I was seeing him out the door, and I'd be here to welcome him home and I was innocent and sweet. It made me that much more nauseous, knowing he'd be furious if he ever knew that instead of taking the opportunity of capturing Crowley as I should have done, especially with his current state, I was going to tend to his wounds. That this asking for Chinese was all to get him out of the house for an hour or two. "Don't mention it, kid. I'll be back in a little while. Call if you need something else."

"Will do." Forcing a smile I closed the door after him and slowly returned to my room. Feet feeling heavy as I neared my door, afraid of what I might find on the other side. Afraid that I'd get trapped in it like in the nightmare and drown in Crowley's blood. No matter how irrational that fear was and no matter that I knew it was irrational; it wouldn't go away.

"Thank you for hurrying," Crowley said sarcastically when I opened the door. He hadn't moved from his position on my bed, though was looking paler than before.

"Shut up," I muttered, going to help him stand. "Come on, we're going to the bathroom." I told him. He grunted and groaned as I forced him up, regretfully taking my help of support, moving slowly as I walked him to the bathroom. In such a state I could've had him bound. The King of Hell, captured. "I thought demons could heal themselves." I muttered, flicking on the light.

"I decided to change things up a bit." Crowley retorted, letting out a heavy sigh when he sat down again on the edge of the tub. I moved in front of him, carefully removing his tie, dropping it behind me.

"I'm gonna need to get that jacket off…and shirt." I told him.

"Now, now, darling, I know you want me but do you think now is the time?" he even managed a smirk as I helped him slip out of the jacket.

"Seeing you in pain turns me on…what can I say; I'm kinky." I retorted, carefully peeling the jacket off from his back. Crowley tensed, trying to stifle a groan. I did my best to push back another anxiety attack that seemed content on lingering at the edges of my nerves, waiting for a moment to slip through and have me panic again.

"Are you now?" He straightened his back a bit and winced, eyes following my movements while I undid the buttons of his shirt. "We'll have to test that sometime, hmm?"

"Do you ever stop with the suggestions?" I drawled, gently peeling the shirt from his torso. It was stuck in a few places, the blood making it cling, wounds having clotted around the fabric. As I did they reopened and fresh blood flowed again, making it hard to tell where the actual cuts were. There was a deep gash on his side, a few bruises and lacerations that were smaller, looking to be more uncomfortable than actually life threatening.

"Of course not…like what you see?" I drew my eyes to his, gave a sigh and started the water so it'd warm up.

"If I ask what you were doing to get like this are you going to be sarcastic?" I asked, rolling up my jeans to my knees and pulling my hoodie off so the sleeves wouldn't get wet, stepping into the tub behind him.

"I can be rude if you'd like." He offered, glancing over his shoulder to see what I was doing. Switching the water to the shower head I pulled on the hose, checking to make sure it was warm but not scalding.

"Here," grabbing a towel with my free hand I gave Crowley one of the edges to hold, wrapped it around his waist and handing him the other end. "Hold that. Else the water is gonna run down behind your pants and as hilarious as it'd be seeing you walk around with a wet ass I don't want you taking off any more clothes."

"Liar…you want me in my naked goodness." He quipped, and I couldn't help but smile. Maybe I did…but I was still mad at him about the Mare incident. And even if I wasn't, it wasn't something I was about to let him know.

"This is going to hurt," I warned, then angled the water to his back. Crowley yelped, jerking, but remained seated as I washed what holy water still clung to his skin.

"Bloody hell," I heard him hiss, letting the water run down the burns, taking the time to inspect the tattoos that covered both of his shoulders, colorful dragons one which twisted around to his shoulder blade.

"So…the tattoos your idea or…?" I muttered, noticing how ever so slowly he began to relax. As gently as I could I rubbed away dried blood from his sides and back, then, switched the water off when I was done and had washed his entire back.

"Do I look like I'd get bloody dragons tattooed on my arms?" He grumbled, leaning forward when I took another towel from the rack and began to pat him dry. Careful not to press too hard.

"You're right…you look more like a tramp stamp kind of guy." Again I grinned, feeling the panic ebb further away, settling my nerves a little more. Though I did still hold resentment toward him, even if it was more out of the fact that I _should_ have been angry rather than actually being angry. When his back was dried I took the towel from around his waist and wet it a bit more before stepping out from the tub. "Sit up," I told him, kneeling in between Crowley's feet.

The smirk was inevitable that spread across his lips, his head tilting to the side. "That's a good angle for you, darling." He murmured, voice purring and low. I pressed the towel harshly to one of the cuts, causing the demon to hiss in pain.

"Whoops…my hand slipped." I said in mocked innocence, starting to rub the blood away, beginning just under his neck.

"Oh, do that again. You're getting me all tingly." Crowley chuckled instead, tilting his head up. I saw his eyes close as I worked, carefully navigating around the cuts, trying to press as little as possible so as not to aggravate the wounds and have them start bleeding again. The biggest worry was the one on his side, gaping and in clear need of stitches. When finished I threw the towel into the hamper, making a note of starting laundry before Bobby got back. I folded up a smaller towel and pressed it to the cut, causing Crowley to hiss again.

"That cut needs stitches." I told him, pulling back, groaning quietly as I stood.

Crowley looked up at me, his eyebrows raised in mockery. "Stitches? It'll heal just fine." He told me with a disapproving scoff, keeping the towel in place with his hand.

"Then why come here if all of the wounds are going to heal anyways, huh?" I questioned, arms crossed and trying to look as intimidating as possible. Some of the cuts had clotted up and the minor ones had even scabbed by the time I finished. But the large one didn't seem any better than before. Simply cleaner. I could only guess it was inflicted by an angel blade or maybe Sam had gotten to Crowley with Ruby's knife. Whatever it was, it didn't look like it'd be healing anytime soon. Crowley scowled, causing me to break out into a mocking grin. "That's what I thought. Come on, back to my room so I can patch the King up." I said.

In turn the demon took the chance to wrap his arm tightly around my waist, grinning as he slumped dramatically against me. "Thank you love, I don't know what I'd do without you." He sighed, walking slower than before. Only Crowley would take the moment of someone genially trying to help him and turn it into taking advantage of invading personal space.

"Don't push it, Crowley, I'm still contemplating tying you up." I grumbled, pushing the door to my room open with my foot.

"Do you promise?" He hummed in my ear, causing the skin around my neck to break out in goose bumps from the warmth of his breath.

I bit back a string of curses and let him sit on my bed before leaving the room to get bandages and whatever else I'd need. Plus I needed to get away from him for a little bit. My skin was practically crawling, face flushed and stomach refusing to cease its tumbling. Crowley had a positively maddening effect on me. On one hand; I despised him. Especially more so for coming to me demanding help when I was still dealing with the damage of what he had done during the hunt. Never once had he stopped by to see how I was. On the other hand, he came to _me_ for help. And though I knew he'd never admit to it, it had to count for quite a bit of trust seeing as I could have very likely done what any other hunter would've done and taken advantage of the situation. Or maybe he knew the effect he had on me and knew for a fact that I would help?

Whatever the reasons were, they were battling it out inside me on top of dealing with having to see blood and push back the thoughts of the nightmare. I felt nauseas and giddy, angry and happy. _Happy_ because he had come to me. Guilty for pushing Bobby out of the house so I could take care of a demon. With another heavy sigh I grabbed a glass from the kitchen after gathering all the other supplies and headed back to my room, checking the time. A good half hour before Bobby would be back. That should be enough time for me to finish. Though I'd have to hurry in cleaning the bathroom and discarding of Crowley's tattered clothes.

When I got back to my room Crowley held the note he had left me in his free hand, looking up at me with raised eyebrows and a knowing grin. "Shut up," I drawled, plucking the paper from his fingers and dropping it back on the nightstand, dropping the supplies on the bed beside him. I wondered exactly how wide his grin would've gotten if he would've known I still had his tie. "Here, drink." I told him, pouring a generous amount of Craig into the glass.

"Gladly," he hummed, tilting his head back to take the alcohol in one large gulp, eyes closing as a content sigh left his lips. "That's the stuff." Crowley breathed as I leaned over him to inspect his back. With the holy water washed out the sores were already healing up, leaving behind faint scars and discolorations that would in all likelihood fade by morning.

I cleaned up his face a little, wiping away what blood had dried onto his skin, taking a second too long on his lip. Crowley noticed and grinned, though refrained from saying anything.

"Lay back," I instructed, pushing gently on his shoulders after taking the now empty glass from his fingers and setting it by the bottle. When he opened his mouth I cut him off before he could even get a sound out. "If it's a dirty comment or some suggestion about us having sex; zip it." But his eyes still sparked the teasing, and he still smirked, but thankfully remained quiet and laid back. I straddled his legs, again glaring at him in reminder to keep quiet, and grabbed the needle. After soaking it in alcohol and threading it I leaned over and pushed his hand away, gently peeling back the towel.

"Do be gentle with me, darling." Crowley hummed, the faintest of chuckles rippling through his chest when I let out an exasperated sigh and wiped down the wound before starting the tedious work of closing it up. By its depth the cut needed two sets, the inner being much more difficult. But in its position I had a feeling that if I did just the outside they would've ripped in an hour or so, making everything that much worse. Crowley groaned and hissed and I felt his muscles tense but he stayed surprisingly still.

"Still doing okay?" I asked, slowly finishing up with the last outer stitch, the wound closing up nicely.

"I've been through so much worse, darling." Crowley muttered, voice slightly strained. By the scars I had seen on his torso I had no doubt, but it didn't mean that this was any more pleasant. I wiped away what blood had collected and applied a few gauze pads over the now stitched cut.

"Well, that's done then," I said, moving to treat the smaller cuts, putting on bandages so they wouldn't get infected. "And so is that…I think I got it all, then." I finally sighed, my fingers and hands stained with his blood.

"Thank you, love." Crowley murmured, his smirk taking its place, hands suddenly on my thighs. I gritted my teeth and glared down at him, though didn't yet move away. "Kiss them better?" He asked in a teasing tone, fingers curling tightly around my legs as he used me to pull himself up, groaning with difficulty. But as he did I was moved uncomfortably closer to him, skin burning though all contact was done through clothing. "How about kiss _me_ better?" He offered once seated, hands now trailing up to my hips, fingers massaging the skin below my shirt. The nerve endings seemed to shoot with electricity and I almost let out an approving whine. Almost.

" _Podex perfectus es_." _You're a complete asshole,_ I muttered, narrowing my eyes and tried to scoot back. But Crowley's grip only tightened keeping me in place as his smirk grew.

" _Quo usque tandem abutere affinita nostra, eh?"_ my eyes widened at the way the words rolled off his tongue. I knew I could speak a bit of Latin, grabble together a few sentences and insults. But my speech was still choppy, the pronunciation awkward at times. Crowley's wasn't. It was smooth, the words coming deep from his throat, like the language was created specifically for him to speak. _How long are you going to abuse our relationship_? I simply gawked, mouth open as he leaned forward, ghosting his lips over my cheek, fingers rubbing circles into the lower of my back. " _Delicia…mellita…dorme mecum_." I actually shivered, his voice rough and gravelly in my ear. _Darling…sweetness…sleep with me_.

I gulped, swallowing down a large lump. If he would've said it in that tone in English it would've been bad enough. But with his accent, the Latin language. I was positively drawn, wanting nothing more than to comply. "Not in a thousand years, Crowley." I said, though my voice quivered slightly and held no real power in the words.

He chuckled, pressing a tender kiss to the corner of my mouth, lingering for a moment before drawing back, his hands receding from my back, back down to my thighs. "Well…it was worth a shot." I slid off him, pouring him another glass of Craig and taking a large drink from the bottle myself.

"I'm going to go clean up the bathroom before Bobby gets back." I told him quietly, leaving as soon as I could. His chuckle haunting me.

As much as I wanted to hate him at this current moment all I could muster up was a quiet whine of protest when I reached the bathroom. Crowley was positively intoxicating…addicting. Worse than heroin or any other drug. I wondered how long I could keep my distance, how many more times I could pull away before my will broke. My thoughts were cut short five minutes later when I heard the familiar rumble of a truck. As quickly as I could I shoved the remainder of Crowley's clothing into the bottom of the hamper beneath everything else, wiped away what blood remained on the edge of the tub and quickly scrubbed my hands clean. Rushing back to my room I found Crowley laying fully on my bed, glass of Craig in his hand, his shoes off, chest bare and lower half of him covered in _my_ blankets.

"What do you think you're doing?" I hissed. The demon looked like he wasn't about to go anywhere anytime soon.

"Getting comfortable." Crowley replied matter of factley, his grin smug and wide.

I was about to shout for him to get out when the front door opened. My heart sank further. "If you so much as clear your throat I'll rip your heart out!" I warned before shutting my door, hurrying downstairs as I rolled down my jeans and took deep and calming breaths.

But I was still flustered. My stomach was twisting violently and on top of knowing there was a _demon_ currently in my bed I was _still_ fighting back the panic of seeing so much blood. For not the first time I so dearly regretted playing chess with Crowley.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait guys!! No actual excuse, I've been distracted, that's all :3 But...ta-daaaa! Things are all better now xD sort of...you know, apart from the part where Crowley is still an insufferable peen. 
> 
> -Sylleth


	11. Why Don't You Just Take The Night …

"Lo…are you sure you're alright?" Bobby asked for the fourth time since he had gotten home. I smiled and forced myself to eat another bite of the Rangoon, washing it down with my third bottle of beer.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Telling you, just tired. I haven't been sleeping well lately."

"I've noticed." He huffed, picking at his food, looking unconvinced. I knew I was putting up a piss-poor façade. But it was the best I could do. After all, the only thing that kept running through my mind was that I had the friggen _King of Hell_ upstairs in my bed, bloody and bruised and half naked, whom I couldn't stop thinking about and had an eerily persistent and overwhelming crush on and who took any moment to try and either kiss me or actually have sex with me. Raise your hand if you've been in this situation before. No? No one? Just me? Alright then. Stop judging.

"Bobby, can I ask you something?" I muttered after some time of picking at my food rather than eating it.

"I'm not going out again." He groaned, making me chuckle and give a shake of my head.

"No, no it's not that…" I said, running my tongue along my teeth, looking at the food for a minute longer before setting my chopsticks down. "What would you say if I told you I liked someone?" I finally asked.

The surprise was instantaneous on Bobby's face, eyes widening, eyebrows rising. He stared at me, lips forming a small "o" and didn't say a damn thing for quite a while. "Like…a boy?" He finally asked slowly, skeptically. Like he wasn't quite believing that that sort of thing was possible. He'd tease me about liking boys, when I was about fourteen. Asking about boyfriends, if I had any, telling me he'd be more than glad to show them his gun rack. I don't think he ever really thought about the possibility of me liking someone, though.

"Yes, Bobby, a boy." I said with sigh. _One who's currently in my bed…he's a King of Hell, did I mention that?_ "What would you say?"

Bobby swallowed his bite of food, cleared his throat and leaned back in his chair. For a while he thought, rubbing his scraggly chin, frowning. "Well… _is_ there a boy?"

 _Didn't you read my thoughts? He's in my bed._ I smiled and gave a shrug, taking another long drink of my beer. "Not really, no. I was just wondering…I mean…I'm twenty-four and…" rubbing the back of my neck I thought. What was I getting at? Liking Crowley…even if I did, even if I liked him and by some twisted, Twilight-Zone turn of miraculous events he liked me back in that sense, then what? He was an immortal demon, I was a _very_ mortal human. A scoff left my lips, then. Feeling as though a large weight was lifted off my shoulders. I was being ridiculous. This wasn't a romance novel, this was life. Demon and human, it was not in any way possible. And to think I had been getting so worried lately. "…I was just wondering. Forget about it."

"No, no!" Bobby insisted, setting his fork down, leaning forward to set his elbows on the table. Looking at me with slight concern. "You have a point, Lotus. You should be out in clubs, getting your heart broken, stopping me from killing whoever was guilty of it." I couldn't help but chortle, looking at him with an agreeing nod. "Is that what you've been upset about? Do you uh…" he frowned, like unsure how to talk to me. A lot of times when I had "girl" problems I was more than happy to solve them myself. Google things if I got _really_ confused but never really go to Bobby. It made us both a bit…well…uncomfortable. He didn't know how to talk about it and I didn't know how to ask. "…do you want…a boyfriend?" He asked slowly, clearing his throat.

I couldn't help myself but laugh, taking a long drink of the lager. "God no, I don't want that extra work." I muttered, shaking my head. _Especially if it was a demon…Hell to the no. I'll do a cheer to prove a point_. "I was just thinking the other day. I mean, if I _do_ find someone and stuff…then again, in this life? I'd rather not. It never ends pretty." Though I smiled and tried to laugh I saw the pain that passed through Bobby's face. The guilt and pity as he diverted his eyes away, causing me to flinch. "I didn't…mean it like that, Bobby." I said quietly. No matter how many years passed, not matter how many would still pass, his wife's death would weight heavy on him. I knew it would…everyone who knew what happened knew that it was something that would never go away.

"I know, kid, I know. I just…I wish I could've convinced you to live a normal life. This isn't something that anyone should be raised in. You deserve—"

"Shut up," I said kindly, smiling as I stood and made my way around the table. "You know damn well that I clawed my way in and wasn't gonna let go." Taking off his hat I placed it on the table, smoothing back his thinning hair and leaning down to kiss his forehead. "Bobby, don't for a second think I regret this life. I wouldn't change a thing if I could." Bobby burst into a smile, though his eyes still held a sort of sadness. He usually looked like that at me, or Sam and Dean, when talking about family. A normal life.

"I know…I know," He sighed, wrapping an arm around me to pull me down. Like I used to crawl into his lap when I was little. Had a nightmare or simply a wave of nostalgia of missing my parents, seeing things kids shouldn't see. I'd go find him and hug him as tightly as I could. And in turn he'd hug me back, kiss me on the cheek, then go put on some picture of a monstrous face on a can, give me the biggest gun he had that I could handle and let me blast the motherfucker to NeverNever Land. "It doesn't mean I have to be happy with it." He grumbled, kissing my cheek and squeezing me tightly around the shoulders before letting me go. "So, no boy?"

"No, no boy." I chortled, replacing his hat before standing, grabbing empty bottles and cartons off the kitchen table. "We should do something," I said after a minute, throwing away the trash and stacking the dishes into the skin. "We haven't had a movie night or anything in ages."

"Lotus…are you sure you're alright?" Bobby asked. Was I really that transparent? With a sigh and a chuckle I turned around to look at him, leaning on the counter and nodding.

"Yes…I'm fine. I just…I miss things how they used to be, that's all." I told him honestly, letting out another sigh as I glanced to the stairs. I'd be having to o up soon. Deal with Crowley who I was pretty sure wasn't going to leave anytime tonight. If just to annoy me, he'd be in my damn bed.

Bobby nodded, taking a long drink from his bottle. Even before Crowley started all this, or…maybe it was my fault too a bit, things weren't exactly the same. Not with what happened to Sam…to Dean. Even before the apocalypse. Things have been uncomfortably different for a very long time. "I know…I know kid."

"Right well…that's enough of that." clearing my throat awkwardly I straightened up, cleaning up a few more things before turning to Bobby. "I'm go to bed, alright?"

He nodded, offering me another smile which I returned gladly. At least not much had changed between us two. And they wouldn't, I swore to myself. Not if I still had a say in it. "Alright kid…sleep tight. You wake me up if you have a nightmare or can't sleep, okay?"

"Okay, okay…I'm not ten, you know." I said chuckling, walking reluctantly to the stairs.

"Yeah, it's worse, I can't threaten to ground you."

"You never grounded me!" I called back, hearing him laugh in return.

Again my footsteps grew slower and slower the closer I got to the door. Not wanting to go back, to face him, to talk in hushed voices so Bobby wouldn't hear. Skipping my room I went to the bathroom first. Brushing my teeth, washing my face, using the toilet. Anything and everything to prolong me actually going back. But it was inevitable and after I brushed my teeth for the second time I slunk back to my room.

Crowley hadn't changed one bit. Except that he was absolutely still, his eyes closed, arm behind his head the other resting on top of the sheets. He wasn't moving…and when I closed the door with a soft click I wondered if perhaps he was sleeping. But demons didn't sleep, did they? And the longer I stood the more I realized that his chest wasn't moving either. Did demons need to breathe? "Crowley?" I murmured in a hushed tone. He didn't respond. "Crowley." I tried again, a little bit louder. Still nothing. Not even his eyes moved behind closed lids. "Oh no," I murmured, moving quickly to the bed, tapping him gently on the shoulders. "Crowley?" Fitting my fingers to his neck to check for a pulse I leaned down, feeling a growing panic in me. But it was then that I saw his lips stretch into a smirk, eyes crack open a bit.

"Kiss from a true love?" He murmured quietly. My worry faded immediately and I smacked him hard on the arm, pulling back nearly seething. Right…stupid me. As if a demon could die this easily. _He's not a person!_ I told myself.

"You're a dick," I hissed quietly. He grabbed me by the wrist when I was pulling back, though firm he was gentle, forcing my palm and fingers against his lips as if he was apologizing.

"I'm sorry, love, I simply couldn't resist." He murmured against my hand, pushing it down, trapping it against his chest with his hand. I slumped on the edge of the bed, glaring at him, though my entire arm was now tingling pleasantly. "Worried for me…I'm flattered."

"You're an absolute arrogant ass." I grumbled, trying to pull my hand away. But he was intent on keeping it in place.

"Thank you for noticing." He quipped, relaxing into my bed again, wiggling further down under the sheets. "Come on, then, this bed is awfully lonely with just me in it."

My eyebrows shot up in disbelief. He couldn't _seriously_ be thinking that I'd sleep next to him, could he? "I'd prefer it entirely empty, you know! Why are you even here, go home, or Hell, or wherever it is you normally go when you're not stealing candies from babies or annoying me."

Crowley chuckled, the sound low, his chest vibrating against my hand as he did. Another shiver ran through me and for a second I wondered what it'd feel like with my lips pressed against it instead of my hand. "I'm wounded…can't go ruling Hell with a limp, can I?"

"You don't _have_ a limp." I said thought gritted teeth.

"I was being metaphorical." He shrugged, pulling a little harder on my arm until I lost balance, barely catching myself from falling flat across his chest. "Come on, I promise I'll keep my pants on."

Finally I yanked my hand away from him, standing abruptly to go to my closet and rummage through things until I found a spare few blankets and a pillow I never used. _Get ready for an uncomfortable night_. "I'm not sleeping in the same bed as you."

"Not even if I asked very nicely?" Crowley purred. I didn't miss the wince in his features as he rolled slowly and carefully onto his side, head propped up by his hands as he watched me set up a little nest by the bed, so I could at least lean against the mattress instead of laying on the rather cold and hard floor. "Love, don't you think you're over-reacting?"

"No…no I don't." I snapped, fitting the pillow behind my neck and the edge of the bed, leaning back and pulling the blankets around myself.

"I give you my word…Hell's promise I won't try anything during the night." I wanted to…I wanted to so bad. To crawl into bed beside him, press against his chest, fall asleep in his arms. Such a damningly childish and pathetic fantasy of mine that felt rooted to my bones. Pulling me to agree with him. But I already agreed to one too many things with him. After I didn't answer I felt his fingers slip behind my neck. Sending shiver after shiver down my spine, the skin where he touched feeling as though it was being pricked by a thousand needles. My stomach twisted again, and again I nearly leaned into his touch, wanting to so badly. "Well…if you change your mind I'll be here." He chuckled, pressing along my neck a little harder, as though giving me a massage to calm me down. I wanted to shrug him off, move away, turn back and glare. But to Hell with it…he was already in my room and my bed and spending the night. At least this bit was pleasant.

"Have I mentioned how much I fucking hate you?" I grumbled, tilting my head down. Crowley chuckled behind me, the bed shifting as though he was getting more comfortable, and he continued to work on my neck. Loosening tight muscles, warming the skin.

"Explicitly so, love."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys...I'm so sorry for taking so long ;_; really didn't mean to. And I'm already working on the next chapter! And-and-and I swear in the next few we'll finally get to some smutty goodness :3 
> 
> Also, all you who comment..lkwhakwhaw WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?? STAHP (don't stop) I HATE YOU (I love you) YOU PEOPLE ARE TOO NICE (you are).......thank you. Honestly, I flail uncontrollably after every comment. Thank you thank you thank you! For all the kudos and comments and views and favorites, THANK YOU!
> 
> -Sylleth


	12. The Wolf’s In Your Bed

An hour passed…I still wasn’t asleep. Another hour passed…I felt like I was in Hell. Which was a rather funny pun seeing as the King of Hell was currently in my bed. You know…funny to some. Not so much to me. I was freezing, the floor was hard, and no matter which way I turned and how I lay or sat; it was uncomfortable. My rear would hurt, my legs would go numb, it was cold if I moved spots. I tried to lay down but there wasn’t enough padding. Sure, for a few minutes it was fine. But then it’d get uncomfortable again. I moved and sighed and tried so hard to find some position that was comfortable enough. When it hit one on the clock I sighed, pushing my head back against the mattress. This _must’ve_ been Hell.

Unable to stand a minute longer, or maybe I was just looking for an excuse, I finally stood, glaring down at the demon with as much might as I could. Hoping that maybe he’d burst into flames. He must’ve sensed me trying because Crowley cracked his eyes open and smirked up at me. His face illuminated faintly by the moon that shone somewhere in the sky. “Change your mind, love?” He murmured, voice low and quiet, making it that much rougher. I sneered, like an animal baring my teeth at him.

“If you so much as _try_ anything I will stab you repeatedly in the crotch.” I hissed, grabbing my blanket off of the floor. He chuckled, moving to pull the covers back. I held them down before he could and laid down on top, throwing my thing blanket over myself and using my arm as a pillow. Christ…it was so much softer here.

“Will you stop being so dramatic all the time?” Crowley sighed, sounding almost exasperated, as though this was an inconvenience to _him_ , somehow. Before I could protest he was pulling me closer to him, until my head reached the pillow. However…it was uncomfortably close to his face. _You can always use_ him _as a pillow, you know…just saying_.

“Why… _why_ are you here.” I whined quietly, turning my head to look at the demon. Warmth was radiating off of him, a scent of sulfur and scotch. And something else I couldn’t quite place my finger on. His torso half covered by the blanket, eyes dark pools in the faint glow of the moon. I turned my head to look at him. For a minute silent, simply watching him. Crowley seemed so…normal. Human even. His face still slightly bruised, the bandage from the cut just barely visible from beneath the edge of his— _my_ blanket. He looked so human it was almost frightening.

“To play doctor,” He replied, lips stretching into a smirk. “You keep looking at me like that, darling, Bobby will be woken to an unpleasant surprise.” I couldn’t even manage a glare. Only a tired sigh before I turned my head back, eyes to the ceiling.

“I’m serious…why are you here.” I murmured, using the same hushed tone.

“Who else do you think I’m going to go to? Moose?” Crowley grumbled, actually sounding unhappy about my questions. In all truth I couldn’t blame him too much for it. After all, him asking for help period must’ve been demeaning enough. But someone like me? Utterly embarrassing if anyone were to find out.

“How did you even know I was gonna help you?” I asked. His hand slipped under my blanket and I felt calloused fingers drag up my side. Turning my head I saw Crowley smirk, a familiar glint in his eyes as he dragged his fingers back down. Playing with the edge of my jeans. I almost let a quiver run through from the sensation that be brought. Skin burning and now covered in goose bumps.

“Because I knew you would…just like I know you won’t put a knife in my throat right now.” She chuckled softly, running his fingers across my stomach, dragging the shirt that I wore with the movement, and finally took his hand away. Causing me to let out a quiet, shuddery breath. My mind once more going blank for a minute. Crushes weren’t supposed to have _this_ much of an effect, right? He had to have been using something…something in the air or-or…or a spell… _something_.

I sighed heavily and closed my eyes, getting more comfortable under the blanket. “Find someone else.” I muttered. I didn’t need him…didn’t want him. Things were complicated enough. There was enough pain and trouble with Sam and Dean and Bobby. I didn’t need this too.

“Why? I’ve already got you, love. What more could I ask for?” Crowley chuckled. He chuckled because this was a joke to him. Because this was a game he so enjoyed to play. And I couldn’t do anything to say a thing against it. Because no matter how much I’d argue and pout and insult him and tell him that I wanted to slit his throat; I’d never do it. “I will ask you for another favor, though.”

Another sigh. I didn’t open my eyes, though my heart picked up. Stomach twisted unpleasantly. The last favor didn’t work out so well. “What is it?” I dared to ask him quietly.

“A hunt.”

My eyes snapped open, head quickly turning to look at him. Crowley looked utterly relaxed. His features calm, fingers laced together on his stomach above the sheets. “What?” I hissed quietly and in turn he smirked. Bemused at my reaction. After all, he wasn’t the one that had to get mentally tortured last time.

“Oh, hush.” He cooed mockingly, reaching out to tuck a few strands of my hair behind my ear. Careful not to actually touch my skin. I flinched away anyways. “No nightmares; I promise. In fact…there won’t be anything unpleasant in the slightest.”

“Uh-huh, uh-huh, go fuck yourself. I’m not doing it.”

“Do-“

“And you can go ahead and show that goddamn picture who whomever you fucking want I’m not going anywhere with you. Especially not a fucking hunt.” I hissed at him, nearly quivering with anger. My fingers clenching into fists as I glared the demon who continued to smirk. Eyes travelling around my face, lingering on my lips. And in turn he licked his own, almost nauseating me in the action that caused tingles to run up my spine.

“Oh…darling…love…you’re going to help me.” He murmured, touching calloused fingertips to my cheek. Running them along my jaw before his thumb and index finger grabbed me none too gently by the chin. Turning my head fully so I would look at him. “Do you understand?”

His eyes bore into mine and again I felt my control slip. That odd feeling of fear and need to obey. Seeing, even in the dark, seeing all the things that he’s done in his eyes. All the bad and evil and twisted, demented things that he’s done. The pain that he had caused and the lack of remorse he had for it. Cold…ruthless. I felt my stubbornness slip, though I did so try to keep a grasp on it. To rationalize everything that made this wrong. It was hard. The effect much like the kind when we had been playing chess and he suggested the stakes. Except this felt a lot more dangerous. But looking at Crowley I saw some sort of surprise cross his features as well. Maybe it was because I wasn’t buckling immediately? After all, he was used to people being intimidated. Come to think of it…shouldn’t I have been too? Even in his state he could snap my neck without so much as blinking his eyes. Why wasn’t I worried about _that_?

I felt his fingers loosen on my chin, moving up to curve around my cheek. His thumb brushing frighteningly gently along my bottom lip, setting it on fire with his touch and pulling it down a bit. I tried to convince myself that I was giving a nod because I was afraid of him. That I was afraid for my life or at least that I didn’t want him to use someone else. Someone innocent he’d kill in the end. “Fine…” I muttered against his thumb. Trying in vain to appear exasperated by the entire ordeal. “What do you need help with?”

Crowley snapped back into his cold smirk, eyes darting up to mine. But I didn’t miss it…that briefest little moment where he wasn’t like…Crowley. When he was something utterly different…and a lot more frightening. Because…well…he hadn’t stared at me with complete loathing and disdain. Which, let’s face it, is damn odd for a demon. Especially one who had an ego as big as the planet and thought everyone was below him. “Fantastic.” He quipped quietly, chucking my chin almost affectionately. “Hunting an incubus this time.” He said it so nonchalantly that he might as well have been talking about trying to hunt down a season of a TV show he’s missed.

My face fell, staring at Crowley in sheer disbelief. Because…he couldn’t have been serious. He couldn’t. “Are you high? Or am I high?” I murmured in a drawling tone.

“See why I need you? Little bastard can sense demons. Won’t work if I send in one of my own…besides…they so do adore virgins.” Crowley purred, his voice low and seductive. Eyes outright inviting. “We can remedy that after we get it caught.”

“Is there an off switch I can flick—I just heard myself, not a word.” I warned immediately after my first comment. The demon chortled, his fingers still brushing the smallest of patterns on my cheek. I didn’t stop him…didn’t even mind it, really. “So…what, you want me to seduce it or something?”

“In a sense.” He moved his hand lower, fingers now teasing the skin of my neck. Making it so very hard to concentrate on anything other than the warmth that spread through me from his touches. Like he was tracing on liquid fire on my skin. “I need you to attend a party, love…he’ll find you himself.”

I frowned slightly, refraining from leaning into his touch. Though just barely. I wanted to…Christ did I want to. “How do you figure?”

His smirk was unsettling, causing my stomach to fall to my feet. “Because the way you’ll look? Darling, all eyes will be on you.”

“You’re not gonna make me wear lacy underwear are you?” I whined quietly. And if it were possible my stomach sank even more because by the way he smirked I guessed that I wouldn’t be wearing anything under whatever dress he’d put me in.

“Tell me something…do you know how to dance?” He asked instead, eyebrows raising in curiosity. 

“Yes!” I exclaimed, though still keeping my voice quiet. “I won the tango competition…had a trophy for it and everything…it was in kindergarten, but you know.” I grinned wide, especially when I saw Crowley roll his eyes. Like I had done countless times with him.

“Well then…we’ll have to teach you how to dance properly.” His smirk was back, hand drifting across my throat. As though reminding me that he could split it open without the slightest bit of trouble before pulling he pulled his hand back.

My eyes narrowed slightly. No doubt he’d be the one teaching me. And the last thing I wanted to do was be pressed up against him for hours as he led me around in a dance. “Fine…but don’t expect me to start calling you teacher.”

“How about master?” another groan left my lips as I turned my back to the demon. Dreading the idea. An incubus…he’d want me to seduce a damn incubus. And dance and…for what must’ve been the hundredth time that day I wished I would’ve done the simple thing and stabbed him when I had the chance.  Crowley only chuckled behind me, his hand running along my spine as the bed shifted and he leaned closer to my ear. “Sweet dreams, love.” He murmured, pressing a kiss to my shoulder before moving away.

 

I actually slept. Slept all night without a hint of a nightmare in sight. And it was absolutely indescribably wonderful. After all the weeks of nightmares, no matter how mild, it was heavenly to have a simply dreamless sleep. I woke to gentle nudges, murmurs of my name, and groaned in protest, nuzzling my face deeper into the pillow. A familiar chuckle rang by my ear, fingers softly dancing on my back. Causing me to smile in my half-asleep state. Hum approvingly and curve my back slightly at the touch. “Darling…” The voice rang out again, raspy and quiet. My muscles tensed when I realized who it was. Right...Crowley was still in my bed. Another groan left my lips, muffled by the pillow. Though this one was filled with annoyance. “Rise and shine, love.”

“Go away…” I mumbled. My arm was underneath the pillow, the other hanging over the side of the bed. The side of my face crusted with drool. Great…not only was I waking up next to Crowley I had drooled on myself. Oh so attractive. On the bright side, I suppose, I hadn’t curled up against him during the night.

“I will, don’t you worry that pretty head of yours.” He chuckled, wrapping his arm around my waist. Like we were a-a… _couple_. The thought made me shiver unpleasantly, though I did nothing to push him off as he nuzzled his chin against my neck. His skin warming mine, nose nudging my jaw as he did. “Remember our deal yesterday?” he murmured, voice quiet, word warm and vibrating against my skin. I could’ve sworn his lips even brushed.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah…incubus and dancing and shit…” I grumbled, scowling though I refused to open my eyes and look at him. My head twitching ever so faintly toward his. Trying to ignore the sensations that ran through me and gathered in the pit of my stomach.

“Good…good…I’ll come for that dancing lesson in a few days. Party is next Friday. It’ll be fun.” His voice had dropped again, lips pressing a few burning kisses to my neck, though they were hardly anything more than brushes of his lips. But…when had I become okay with this? Was it because it was morning and I was trying to convince myself this was all just because I was tired and half asleep? “As much as I’d love to stick around…especially when you look so _ravishing_ …I’m afraid I’ve got to go. Hell to rule, deals to make, people to kill.”

“Sounds fascinating…get to it.” He chuckled and nuzzled against my neck before pressing a firm kiss to my cheek and pulled away.

“Oh, Lotus, you’re such a tease.” I breathed out a sigh when the bed shifted, his arms dragging slowly across my back before he pulled it away completely. “I’ll see you in a few days then. Do be a good girl…or a bad one. I can always punish you if you’ve been bad.”

“Crowley!” I snapped. Another chortle rumbled through the air and I felt the jolting swat of his hand against my rear, causing me to twist around quickly, ready to hit the bastard. But his hand was already up and with a snap of his fingers Crowley was gone. Leaving me seething and jittery, the side of my neck burning and my entire body quivering.

Would I ever even get close to getting over him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, did you gather and decided on a murder? Because seriously, your reviews, they're killing me. Almost as much as *SPOILER* Seeing Crowley in a robe bc akwjhlkajwhlawh I just about had a heart attack. Anyone see that preview yet? No...okay, I'll shut up.
> 
> -Sylleth


	13. And So We Danced

"Are you not entertained?" I shouted with the television, standing on the coffee table in the same stance as Russell Crowe, holding an imaginary sword as I addressed an imaginary audience. "Are you not entertained? Is this not why you came?" It was hard not to get pumped up watching Gladiator. Anyone for even a slight taste for action or history or…well…just about anything would have to get at least a little inspired by the movie. Me? A bit more than most. I had seen it so many times, by now, that I even knew the fighting moves. Best part was jumping up on the coffee table when I was left home alone. Ever since I first saw the movie…and if Bobby did so happen to pass by he'd never leave un-attacked.

"Well…no exactly, no, but I am entertained." The voice made me freeze up. Still standing with my arms outstretched. Of course…of course he'd pick _this_ moment to come by. Now, getting caught doing something like this by family; it was embarrassing. Getting caught by someone you don't like? Horrible. By someone you do like? A nightmare. A King of Hell whom you had an overwhelming crush on, bordering on being in love, who you also hated with every fiber of your being? I don't think there has yet been a word invited for it.

"Why…why can't you ring the doorbell?" I groaned, letting my arms fall to my sides as I turned to look at Crowley. He was well dressed…as he always was. Leaning on the doorframe, his hands in the pockets of his coats, a soft smirk on his lips as his eyes, for once, didn't purposefully draw over my body. Well…at least I had that going.

"I cross my fingers every time hoping I get to see you doing something… _naughty_." I rolled my eyes, stepping down from the coffee table to pick up the remote so I could turn the movie off.

"Like stealing cookies from the jar?" I asked innocently, batting my eyes at him, voice dripping with sarcasm.

He pushed back from the doorframe, his eyes darkening a little as his smirk grew. "Or sticking your fingers in other places they don't belong." You'd think I'd be used to these comments by now but still…the way he looked at me, the way his voice rolled deep from his chest…it made me tingly. And giddy, and fidgety.

I sighed heavily and shook my head, crossing my arms over my chest. "What's up? What do you need now?"

"Well…Bobby is gone for a little while, isn't he?" I shrugged and gave a nod. That he was. Until evening, at least. "And I believe one of us doesn't know how to dance." Crowley tilted his chin up a little, shrugging out of his coat. I watched as he frowned distastefully at the chair and wiped it off with his hand before placing his coat on it.

"You weren't kidding…" I said with a scowl. What was that…three mornings ago that I woke up next to him? I had expected it to be more of a…last second sort of event, learning to dance. A night before the big party, maybe. Not three days after I had agreed to help him to catch that damn incubus…or…seduce him or…oh God….I'd be in a place with people and-and someone would be touching me and dancing with me. Did Crowley specifically work on choosing things that bothered me most? Was that it?

"Careful now, darling…wouldn't want you to get scuffed." Crowley muttered and when he got within range he took me by the wrist, tugging me gently to his side before lifting his other hand. Within moments I was watching as the furniture slid across the room against the walls, opening up space I didn't think Bobby's house possessed. "And…something for music…" The television screen began to flick channels with each snap of Crowley's fingers until he landed on one that played soft classical music. He turned his head to me then and grinned, proud almost, of his set up. "There. That's suiting isn't it?"

"Ah, we're jumping right in then." I muttered, feeling myself grow all the more nervous, rubbing the back of my neck. I couldn't even recall the last time I danced. And most certainly couldn't remember dancing to this sort of music. Well…there was that one time…but I was five and standing on my dad's feet. A bit of a different story, really.

"We can always warm up, a little if you like." He smirked. And before I could retort he swept me around. His arm wrapped tightly around my waist, pressing me to his chest, his other hand suddenly gripping mine and holding it up and to the side. I held him by the arm with my free hand before slowly sliding it up to rest on his shoulder. Trying not to scowl too much…or fidget. Because I was pressed tightly to his chest, his fingers warm around mine, arm fixed around my waist. "But you're always so stubborn when it comes to anything fun." His voice had dropped, again. Face drawing awfully close to mine, lips almost brushing against mine as his eyes darted around my face.

"How are those stab wounds?" I asked, gulping slightly and breathing out a quiet sigh to calm myself. Fat load of good that did. My hormones were all over the place, nerves lighting madly from where his fingers touched and where his body was pressed.

"Very good, darling…left some pretty scars. Maybe I'll show them to you later, hmm?" He leaned forward a bit more, brushing his lips against the corner of my mouth. Christ…he knew just what to do. Just how light or how hard to press and when to do it and what to say. Everything that made me feel like I might as well have turned to putty in his hands.

"How about we first get through teaching me to dance in one piece?" I tried to smile, to make my voice sound lighthearted. But it was hard. I wanted to press tighter against him. I wanted his arm to pull me tighter, to have his lips pressed against mine.

"Have it your way, then." He said with another chortle before he pulled back enough to look at me. His eyes locked on mine as he pushed on me until I took a step back, his fingers digging into my side a little. Just to remind me how easily he could get away with these things when around me. How easily he could get me to bend and melt and fidget.

Two hours later we really hadn't gotten anywhere. I had stepped on his shoes more times than I could count, by now standing about a foot away from him. Staring at our feet, cursing and grumbling and coming close to shouting when I'd trip and falter and ruin a perfect few movements. The steps themselves weren't hard. But with my nerves, the tension that I felt, they seemed hard. And I was getting so damn frustrated. Minute by minute, tripping more and more with annoyance and anger bubbling inside until I completely disregarded the fact that this was Crowley teaching me to dance…Crowley! If Bobby were to walk in right now and see with his own eyes he would refuse to believe the sight.

"Darling…Lotus…look at me." Crowley commanded with an exasperated sigh. And his hand left my hip to force my chin up so I'd have no choice but to do as told. I huffed, hair falling in my face that he quickly brushed away, tucking behind my ear. "When you fight…where do you look?" He asked. I stood for a moment, unsure how to answer that. _You look everywhere when you fight._ I thought to myself. Frowning slightly. "Do you look at the opponents fist?"

I huffed again, letting my shoulders slump. Crowley smirked again and slipped his arm around my waist, tugging me against him.

"Exactly...a dance is…think of it as a conversation. It has to flow."

" _My_ conversations never flow."

"Well make them…and relax." His smile warmed a little and again he took a step, forcing me move.

I tried…and partially managed. After all, he was leading. All I had to do was follow. And his eyes were overwhelmingly…inviting. Hazel seeming to flicker something crimson. And then I wasn't thinking about stepping. He had already taught me the moves, I had done them. Maybe choppy and tripping but I had. So it wasn't too surprising when my feet moved on their own. Eyes not wavering from his, doing as he had suggested. And slowly, little by little, we began to move around the room. The floorboards creaking and the music from the television crackling now and again. And Crowley only had to tell me where to step a few times. A smirk twitching at his lips the more we moved.

"Chin up, darling…back straight…that's a good girl." I almost beamed at his praise, doing all that he told me. The annoyance slowly subsiding, replaced by a sort of excitement that made the steps even easier. Causing me to falter only twice and very faintly at that. I was actually dancing…with the King of Hell in none other than Bobby Singer's living room. The entire ordeal seemed utterly…unreal. Before I knew it we had made a few circles around the room, and Crowley was holding me tighter, and smirking more. Warmth seeping from his body, his hands. And though I might not have liked to admit it, I felt him through his slacks. Grinding his hip against mine subtly when we'd turn. "Very good." He murmured again, voice gravelly and low.

It sent goose bumps down my spine, causing me to grin in response. As giddy as I felt…the dancing was kind of fun. "You know…this isn't half bad." I muttered, stifling a laugh when he spun me around a bit quicker than before.

"I told you it wouldn't be." He replied nonchalantly, again spinning me, again letting his hips roll pleasantly against mine. Again I felt a shiver run down my spine from feeling him through the clothes. Mind wandering, wondering now what it'd be like if there were no clothing restriction between us. What it might be like if he held me like that around the waist with my legs wrapped around his. Another pleasant shiver…another hidden smile. Oh…oh this was bad. We were dancing and I was enjoying it and grinning and he was smirking and…I couldn't bring myself to frown. To scowl or find some reason to stop it. "A lot of things that I suggest aren't _half-bad_."

I chuckled, almost stepping on his feet in the process. "I'll take your word for it."

Crowley gave a purposeful buck of his hips. Still subtle enough not to be forceful but a lot more noticeable, his arm pressing me against him, keeping me in place. Causing a rush of air to leave my lips, smile faltering as pleasurable feelings rippled through me, gathering in the pit of my stomach. "Or…you could always find out for yourself." He spun me around again, bringing the smile back. Except that instead of pressing me to his chest he kept me with my back to him. Sliding up behind me, my arms enveloped in his, his fingers fitting between the spaces of mine as he wrapped both mine and his arms around my waist, pulling me back against him. Swaying his hips against mine and leaning forward to kiss my cheek. My jaw and my neck. Lips scorching, causing my breaths to hitch in my throat from the trail that he left behind. Utterly _burning_. "What do you say, love?" He murmured into my ear. Voice just right, rolling off his tongue low and quiet and thick with an accent. He pressed our fingers, still entwined, lower down my abdomen. Again rolling his hips against mine, pressing just right, the part of his anatomy much more prominent now. "We still have a few hours to spare, wouldn't you say?"

My mouth felt dry, words slipping my mind like water through my fingers. I wanted him to keep going. Keep pressing and grinding until I was moaning and writhing back against him. Until he was pulling off my clothes and I was pulling off his suit and—"Stop," I pleaded, the word half choked. Eyes threatening to close. He rolled his hips again and I bit the inside of my cheek to keep from making a noise, my fingers clenching a bit harder in his. "Crowley,"

"Why," He asked, teeth running along the skin on my neck. Another shiver ran thorough me, a groan threatening to slip through. "Tell me why I should…you like it…I like it…why ruin it? Why stop?" His voice had taken on a different quality, too. Rough…dangerous…filled with the sort of desire that I felt. _Don't stop…please don't stop…please just…ignore me and don't stop_.

"A million and one reasons, Crowley." How I did it, it still confuses me to this day. But somehow I managed to shrug out of his tight hold. My entire body seeming to be on fire, stomach twisting madly. And it was such a wrong move for me to turn around. To look him in the eyes…pupils so dilated his eyes seemed almost black. I wondered if mine looked the same. And I had such an overwhelming feeling to launch myself at him. To grind and kiss and tear and bite and…do a million and one things.

He stepped up to me. His hand flicking my hair back, the other slipping to rest on my hip. Fingers curling to hold me tightly, to pull me by the hips none to gently against him. And he leaned forward a little, his lips hovering in front of mine. I heard him breathe in, saw his eyes slide close for a long second, the way his tongue ran along his lips and the smirk that caused his wrinkles to deepen. And then I heard my heart. Thudding madly, wildly in my chest. The rush of blood in my ears drowning out all other noise. "Do you realize, darling…that eventually…I'll take what should have been mine a long while ago?" His voice couldn't have been more than above a whisper, words rough like sandpaper, so thick with an accent I could hardly understand him. "And that the only reason I'm letting this go now," Another hard roll. The smallest of noises left my lips before I managed to sink my teeth into my tongue, causing Crowley to shudder and chortle with delight. Christ…the effect he had on me. Like he had somehow managed to hook up electric wires to all my nerves and shock them when he pleased, let them ripple through my body where it mattered most. "Is because an incubus truly does prefer a virgin?"

I couldn't even swallow, my hands gripping feebly at his forearms, too needy too…too _something_ to move away. Enthralled and scared and curious and so many other things. "Why couldn't you have just left this as a dance?" I managed, my lips feeling numb, tongue not my own.

Crowley leaned forward a bit more, nudging his nose with mine. It could almost be mistaken for affection. "I'm a demon, love…where's the fun in that." He pressed the lightest of kisses against my lips, moving to press a firmer one against my cheek. Wrapping his arms around me and pushing his lips against my ear as he spoke again. "I'll see you very soon. And your dancing was superb, do that again at the party and I'll make sure you're rewarded."

He disappeared before I could make a retort. Leaving me shaking and quivering and burning. My throat and mouth dry, neck prickling with sweat, skin flushed and breathing shuddery. He left me in a state of unsatisfied hunger…with the furniture still pressed against the walls.


	14. Harder To Breathe

I was just finishing up making myself something to eat when my phone played the familiar tune of Queen's Who Wants To Live Forever. I let it ring for a moment before looking at the caller ID. It was Bobby. He had been out since morning, said he was going off to drop a curse box someplace or other...truth be told I had gotten hammered the night before and was still trying to sleep it off when he came into my room to tell me so the details were hell of a lot fuzzy.

"Hey Bobby, what's up?" I greeted, mood rather good. Crowley hadn't been around for a while, and though my nerves were starting to act up at the thought of going to a party in two days I managed to at least enjoy the peace of being able to breathe normally and my heart not go absolutely nuts.

"Hey kid, up already? How's the hangover treating ya?"

"I don't get them, you know that."

"Uh, huh…not what you were saying Christmas morning last year." He chuckled on the other end, causing me to groan quietly. That…that was outright terrible what happened then. While my hangovers _were_ truly virtually non existing, no matter how much I drank, that Christmas morning was the exception. And it was utterly, indescribably terrible.

"Yeah, yeah…you _always_ bring that up. So? What's up? How are things?" I asked, putting on a second slice of bread on my sandwich, grabbing a bottle of ale from the fridge.

"Yeah, yeah, everything's good. I'll just be a bit longer. Picking up a part for the truck I've been meaning to get." He told me. "Just wanted to call make sure you were alright."

I smiled fondly. Only Bobby could care so much. For me, the boys, anyone who he actually took a liking in. Who he could be honest with. And though he never had any kids of his own I always thought he kind of did. With the way that he was in the Hunting world, it was as if he adopted everyone who was at least half decent. Though he might've not realized it all the time; Bobby had raised a hell of a family. "I am, I am. Bit nauseous but I made myself something to eat. Want me to make something for dinner?"

"Nah, I thought we could have that movie night if you're up for it. I'll pick up a pizza and…what was the name of that movie you've been dying to see…Twilight?" I nearly snorted with laughter, booting up my laptop and sitting comfortably on the sofa, flipping the television on for background noise.

"I read that book to see what all the hype was about!"

"And you hid it under your bed like Dean hides his magazines."

"I burnt it." Taking a sip of the ale I stretched my legs out, sandwich on a plate set beside me on an empty cushion. "Though, I'd love the pizza and a good movie. Die Hard marathon, maybe?"

"Sounds good, kid. I'll be back at around eight or nine. Want anything else while I'm out?"

"No, I think I'm good. Drive safe, would you? And you know…call when you're on your way home." We didn't normally keep too many tabs on each other. Sure, if one of us was out for a few days or even a longer few hours. But…well, this job didn't come with a few annoying anxiety issues and at times my mind would wander to unpleasant places of possibilities when Bobby didn't call for a long time when he was out. And all that had been happening with Crowley; it did nothing to help my anxiety.

"I will, and you don't get into too much trouble while I'm out, ya hear? Better not come home to some party."

"I'll invite frat boys."

"I'll shoot every one of them."

"I think that's illegal, actually."

"I ain't gonna kill 'em. Salt'll do more than enough damage."

"Still illegal, Bobby."

"So is burying dead bodies in the junkyard."

"I don't think you have to specify that the bodies are dead."

"Oh, bite me." He hung up after that. But we were both half laughing, our tones light at teasing. Though the strain was building between me and the demon and all that was happening in that part of my life; things were getting back to normal between me and Bobby. Sure, there were still problems around us. Sure, we still worried about Sam and Dean and all the odd that was happening around us. But at least we could still smile and bicker and complain about all the hunters out there. Stupid complains, really. The alternative was worse, though. We'd rather make jokes and laugh than take in the issues and sulk. Everyone got enough of that, truth be told.

A while later I was cleaning up the house. Never a fun task. In fact, even though I was grown and really had no other thing to do other than to clean around here seeing as Bobby always insisted taking care of research and the calls; I still avoided it. The dusting the sweeping. Not like it made much of a difference. Within a few days everything would be a mess again. Honestly I'd rather be repairing guns or sitting with a large book trying to make sense of the legends written inside it. But…as things may be someone had to clean. And seeing Bobby with a broom that he's not using to beat the living hell out of some monster because that was the closest thing to him is, well…weird. Which probably said something about our life.

"Every breath you take, every move you make, every bond you break every step you take, I'll be watching you." I frowned, stopping suddenly when I heard the song. _The Hell is that_? But it was coming from my pocket and my phone was vibrating against my hip. "Every single day, every word you say, every game you play, every night you stay, I'll be watching you." I never had that as my ringtone. Pulling the mobile from my pocket I glanced at the screen. I don't think I ever glared at an inanimate object as much as I did now. _666_. "Oh can't you see? You belong to me. My poor heart aches, with every step you take."

"Crowley," I nearly growled, quickly answering the call. When did he have time to change my ringer? "You know…if it wasn't kind of funny I'd be extremely mad." I muttered. And truly, you couldn't be overly angry when the call from the King of Hell had the ringtone singing how he's watching you and the caller ID was 666.

"You like it, then? I'm very clever like that." He chuckled on the other line, voice causing me to smile even if he wasn't here. "So darling, tell me, what are you up to?" as always, Crowley's voice held a hint of suggestion. Always with Crowley. No matter the situation, he was always making those jokes. I wondered if he was facing his own demise if he'd go down with a smirk and a dirty joke. Being Crowley; I guessed that he would.

"Oh, you know. I'm alone so naked…masturbating to the thought of you." I said nonchalantly. There was a pause and I frowned, smelling the faintest hint of sulfur.

"You know…one of these days you're going to be telling the truth and I won't come." He grumbled behind me. Grinning I turned around to see Crowley, something like a teasing scowl on his face. Dressed in his usual suit, one hand in his pocket as the other still held his mobile to his ear.

"No, but I will." I grinned in return, feeling my stomach twist pleasantly upon seeing him. I tried to remind myself that we hadn't done anything. Not really, so I had no actual reason to feel this excited seeing him. But perhaps we _had_ done a lot of things. Perhaps not in the conventional sense, but we had. Hadn't we? A lot more than should have ever, _ever_ been allowed. Especially between a demon and a hunter. I had healed him…gotten drunk with him. Slept beside him twice. Helped him hunt, even. And now, seeing him back was familiar…I liked seeing him coming back.

"Frisky today, are we?" He smirked, lowering his phone and dropping it back into his pocket. I wondered if I were to look at it if I'd see that picture of us."I like it."

"You always like it." I chuckled in response, tossing the rag I had used to clean on a counter, wiping my hands on my jeans as I turned back to the demon. "What's up? Something new or just have a moment to annoy me?"

"A few, actually." I wanted to say that I wanted to roll my eyes. But I'd be lying. How could I when he chose this moment to appear? It wasn't much but I had thought about it. The times he chose to see me. Bobby was never around. If he was home; he wasn't near me. Admittedly; it could've been coincidence. Fat chance of that. Or Crowley just wanting to take advantage of those little moments. A very likely scenario. But I liked to think, even if it was naïve, that he did it to make things easier for me. To not have to explain to Bobby why I've been talking to a demon…why I had been letting him kiss me. And especially why I had him in my bed after tending to his wounds rather than taking the opportunity to hurt him furthermore. So I scoffed instead, and smiled, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Great, I could use a break. We still going to that party thing on Friday?" I asked, walking past him to get a drink. It was a moment before I heard Crowley's feet follow me.

"Hmm…yes, Friday…I do so love the sight of seeing you walk away, darling." I heard him chuckle. It made me grin as I grabbed a bottle of lager from the fridge. Call me crazy if you'd like but it's hard not to take those comments as compliments. After all, with all that he had seen in his existence it was truly flattering for him to act that way around _me_.

"Oh, Crowley…where would I get my daily dose of dirty observations without you?" I sighed dramatically, my smile giving away the attempt at a scowl as I opened the bottle and took a sip. Purposefully wrapping my lips around the head of the bottle, movement slow as I smirked and looked at the demon now sitting in a chair. I saw his eyes dart to my mouth, saw the tip of his tongue as it ran along his lips. Perhaps he wasn't far off with saying I was feeling frisky?

"Aren't you so glad I came by to see, today?" His words were back to being silky smooth, smirk drawing at his lips as his eyes moved up to mine. Adding a wink that sent a shiver down my spine.

"Why did you?" I asked curiously, walking to sit across from him, head tilted to the side a bit as I took in every little thing about the demon. How he moved, how his gaze would shift, the different muscles shifting in his face to form expressions. It was enthralling. It was like I wanted to memorize him. And in truth; I did.

"Wanted to see how you were doing." He said with a pleasant grin, eyes the bottle in my hand. "Won't even offer me a drink, love? How rude."

I gave a shrug, taking another slow sip. "Well, it's not like you ever accept it. Always insult it, really. _Oh, not this bloody rubbish…no soddin' taste, you Hunters._ " I mocked him in an accent and watched as Crowley's eyes shot up in surprise. Genuine smile pulling at his lips by the time I finished.

"Been practicing?" he asked.

"Well…yeah…gotta get that; _cum for me darlin'_ , just right."

Crowley let out a low growl, leaning forward with his eyes burning, teeth showing through his smirk. "All you need to do is ask. Good girl…go on…good fuckin' girl…cum for me." I'm not proud of it but I choked on my drink, sputtered as my face turned unbearably hot and a rather violent shiver ran through me. Heat gathering in the pit of my stomach, throat burning as I coughed to catch my breath. Crowley smirked, reaching around to pat my shoulder. Though the physical contact, as innocent as it may have been, did nothing to lessen the effect of his words. "Think you got that? Or would you like me to send you a recording?"

"I think I'm good." I managed to wheeze out, voice rough and half choked from trying to recover. His words kept ringing in my ears. That low town, gravelly, thick accented command. That I just about obeyed from a mere look and a few well picked words. "Fucking asshole…goddamn it, Crowley, don't do that!" I reprimanded, thumping my chest and finally gasping in air. Even if my throat still burnt.

"Then stop being a dirty fuckin' tease, love." He winked, leaning back in his chair. Seemingly pleased with my reaction. "Now…Friday I'm going to come a little early. Around...ten, your time, morning mind you. Party takes place in New York."

My eyes widened, flustered state easing a little as I frowned. " _Ten_? Crowley…I-I can't do ten. No way in Hell is Bobby not gonna ask questions, then!"

The demon shrugged nonchalantly. Completely unfazed by my concern. "It's truly not that difficult to come up with a lie, Lotus. Tell him you're visiting a friend…you need a day off. I don't care. Come up with something."

I licked my lips nervously. Already I hated lying to Bobby, but lying to him about stuff like this? It made it almost not worth. "Why so early, anyways? Aren't these things held late at night?"

His eyes sparked mischievously. "Can't go to a party without spending a day at the spa now can you? Darling…if I'm making you go to this thing I'll make sure to do it right. Massage, face masks. All the jazz you see on the telly. Top notch. You'll absolutely love it."

I can't say I wasn't surprised. I was. Extremely surprised, at that. Of course he'd want me made up and pretty but I didn't expect…this. Maybe a warning to do my makeup right and take a bath prior or tell me go to a salon to get my hair done. Something along those lines. Not treat me like I might actually belong at one of those things. "Oh…" I muttered, taking a sip of the lager so I wouldn't sit with my mouth open and look like a complete moron. "Thank you."

His gaze seemed to soften a bit, smirk lessen. Head cocking to the side as he took in my reaction. "Darling…if I'm to do something I'll do it right…besides…you deserve the best if you're with me." Crowley winked, reaching over to give the gentles of squeezes on my hand. Sending sparks shooting up my arm like jolts of electricity. "I've got to dash, though, love. As much fun as I have spending time with you. Hell's a busy place to run, after all." The demon stood, fixed his already perfect appearance and walked around the table. Bending at the waist as he placed a lingering kiss to the corner of my lips. "Friday…ten sharp." I managed a nod, wanting so badly to turn my head to kiss him properly.

"I'll need to drive a bit of a ways if I wanna get Bobby to think that I'm gone. Think you can meet me by a bar? It's called The Landmark. A few towns over." I asked quietly, savoring the kiss he gave me.

Crowley pulled back, nose nearly touching mine as he smirked at my reaction. "Of course, love. Don't be late…patients isn't virtue of mine." He quipped, tapping my nose with his finger.

I would've glared if I could've mustered it up. Instead I settled with a scoff and a grin. "Crowley…you don't have virtues."

"Well…if I did." He chortled, straightening up and fixing his tie. Giving me the chance to take another drink of the lager. "Ten sharp. I'll have you treated like a Queen." He promised, a hint of pride in his voice. He cast me another wink, smirk showing teeth, and in the time that it took me to blink; he was gone. Leaving nothing more behind that the faintest hint of sulfur and a burning spot by my lips.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, so so so sorry for the wait! Just had some really unexpected and bad family issues that happened and I couldn't much concentrate on this, I'm real sorry. So if I disappear for another week or two I'm so sorry I swear it isn't because I abandoned! I won't abandon, I promise! Not without letting you know, at least. And hopefully I'll get the next chapter up by Tuesday. Smutty bits are coming in the next two-three chapters :3 You have my word. Thank you for all your comments and kudos and the bookmarks and all the new readers and all the ones that have stuck around since I've published the first chapter. Thank you! And again, deepest apologies.
> 
> -Sylleth


	15. Nunley’s Carousel

I checked the hours for the hundredth time it seemed as I sped down the road. I’d make it…I’d definitely make it. But it didn’t make me any less nervous. I was calm the night before, though that might’ve had something to do with the fact that I drank a bottle of rum, but now? Awake, alert…and going to prepare for a party I didn’t want to go to. Much more importantly; a prestigious party. One with dresses and suits and proper manners and having to know how to act. The sort I most certainly did not belong in. And I was going there to lure an incubus. To help the King of Hell capture a monster. Gripping the steering wheel a bit tighter I let out a long breath and willed my heart to calm. One night…that’s all I needed to get through. A few hours of standing around and not making an ass of myself so the incubus could find me, invite me to his hotel and Crowley and his posy could sweep in and get the bastard.

I just wasn’t sure what he would expect of me. Crowley or the monster. Hell, just this morning I had watched two movies that included prestige and the parties and how to act and what to say. Bobby got a bit worried when he saw me watch Pride and Prejudice but seeing as I liked my musicals as well he refrained from saying anything. Point being; I didn’t know how to act. How to pretend that I was rich and belonged in the parties. I had absolutely no idea. It was never needed in my job.

“Come on, Lotus…c’mon…it’s just acting…you were in a play once, right? You can do this…then again…you were a fuckin’ bread girl for five seconds and managed to mess _that_ up as well.” With a groan I thumped my forehead against the steering wheel. Stopping at the red light and murmuring curses. Great…this was just fucking great. I was going to be screwed.

“Hasn’t anyone ever told you that talkin’ to yourself isn’t healthy?” A pleasantly familiar accented voice murmured beside me. I jumped, turning my head quickly, foot pressing down even harder on the break pedal. Crowely sat in the passenger seat. Looking smug, not a hair out of place. I wondered if Hell had some sort of dry cleaning business or if he had it done on Saturdays…or maybe Sundays. He looked more of a Sunday chore guy. Though I somehow very highly doubted that he ever did any actual chores. Especially not now that he was King.

“I think people who don’t talk to themselves are not to be trusted.” I muttered instead, cracking a slight grin. Though I only got a fresh wave of nervousness, turning into the parking lot of the small pub I had talked to him about.

“If I didn’t know any better I’d say you were worried, love.” Crowley mused, seemingly indifferent as he checked his nails. Waiting patiently as I parked the car at the edge of the parking lot. As far as I knew Bobby wasn’t going anywhere today, or tomorrow, for that matter. And I had told him that I needed to go shopping. I don’t think he would’ve believed me if I wouldn’t have looked so miserable about it. Though at this point I would’ve _much_ rather have gone shopping than that ball.

“Me? Worried? Never…what’s there to worry about…I’ll just be temping a monster…at a party…with people.” Looking at Crowley with a frown I let out a quiet groan. “Do I _have_ to do this?”

Crowley chuckled, bumping my nose with his finger. “Yes, kitten, you do. Now get your knickers out of that twist and don’t worry about it. You’ll do just fine, yeah?”

“Sure, sure…the girl who has been living with Bobby and surrounded herself with Hunters her entire life will do _just_ fine in a friggen party for rich bastards.” I grumbled, running my hands over my face and sighing in exasperation. But it wasn’t as if I would be able to say no, and especially not now. Besides, as odd as it may have sounded, I had an urge to help Crowley. Or, perhaps not so much help as impress.

I felt his fingers on my chin, suddenly. Gripping tight, though not uncomfortably so, and turned my head so I’d look at him. I liked the way his fingers felt on my skin. The calloused skin. Again I wondered if it was because his vessel had a hands-on job or if it was due to Crowley’s job. And his eyes…Christ they were so inviting. The way he smiled, the soft dimples, the wrinkles that deepened around his eyes. No wonder people made deals with him. No wonder they were willing to sell their souls for a kiss. I wondered if I were to lean in if he’d let me or push me back and laugh. “Darling…stop worrying that pretty head of yours. Just do as I tell you and you’ll do absolutely wonderful…now…stop giving me that look, hmm? Or we’re going to put up quite the show for anyone who walks out of that bar soon.”

Clearing my throat I pulled away from his touch, blinked, and shook my head. Why did he have to have such an effect on me? Why? Not even sexual by nature. No brushing of his lips or hand or the grind of his hips. Nothing more than holding my chin in place so I’d look at him. And I felt drugged. I felt like all I wanted was him. Him above me, inside me. Moving in ways that’d make me scream his name again and again. That would take me to places I didn’t even know existed. I lusted after a demon in a way I shouldn’t have even lusted after a human. “Yeah well…easy for you to say.” Taking the keys out of the ignition I leaned over to place them in the glove compartment. Not missing the suggestive wiggle of Crowley’s eyebrows as my hand brushed against his knees a little.

“Believe it or not, love, I wasn’t always the image of perfection.” Crowley muttered. Looking at him I saw him smirk. The same expression he wore around Dean and Sam and Bobby. But his eyes shone just the slightest hint of something like…shame. And I couldn’t help but wonder what his human life might’ve been like. “Now…why don’t we get someplace more…tasteful, hmm?”

“Take us away.” I nodded, cracking a slight smile. He winked at me, like he knew something I didn’t, and held up his hand to snap his fingers. I was stumbling against him a second later, still not used by the quick way of travel. Going from a seated position to suddenly standing someplace entirely different. But Crowley seemed to be more than happy to help me stand. His arms wrapping around my waist as he pulled me against him. I knew it was dramatic, knew that just letting me hold onto his hand for a second would’ve done just fine. But this was Crowley and it seemed that he’d take any opportunity to take things leaps further than necessary.

“Alright there, love?” he murmured, face much closer than it should have been to mine. I blinked, let out a long breath, and finally nodded. Looking around as I took a step back.

“Yeah…” my eyes widened the more of the surroundings I took in. Soft colors, expensive furniture… _huge_ room. It had everything you’d see on television. Those five-star hotels you would only ever dream about. The sort that cost more than three or four of my paychecks combined for one night. It was…sublime…spotless…fit for royalty. Or at least; it seemed so to me. There was a damn dining room, a living room, the bedroom. Two bathrooms and a bed that could fit four. The view from the window; straight into Central Park. Top floor so the people below looked small, cars like toys. And all I could do was gawk. Looking around until finally her eyes landed on the only other figure in the room. Standing with his hands in his pockets and a satisfied and proud smirk across his lips.

“Thank you,” I finally managed. And for a second he looked surprised. Maybe it was because I sounded genuine? I guessed not many people thanked him. Or at least, not many of them were honest and not sarcastic or frightened . Whatever it may have been, it took him aback a little bit. But only for a moment. He was back to smirking a second later, giving the slightest bow at the waist.

“You are very welcome, darling. Nice to be appreciated from time to time…now…what do you say you go get ready for that spa treatment? Starts in a few minutes. I’ll take you down there and pop off for a little while. Have a bit of business to take care of.” He winked, nodding to the bathroom.

“Get ready?”

“There’s a robe in there…unless you want to walk around naked. Which I’ll be absolutely fine with.”

With a roll of my eyes I left to the bathroom that he directed me to. Again shaking my head. Feeling extremely out of place. There was a bath, a shower….it was bigger than my room at Bobby’s. Closing the door behind me I looked around for a second longer, the marble counters and tiled floor, the towels that looked to be made of bleached clouds. There was no way in all of Hell or Heaven that I’d ever be able to afford this. And it was because of Crowley that I was here. I had to pinch myself three times to make sure this wasn’t some vivid hallucination.

A few minutes later I had my clothes folded neatly on the floor by the sink. The robe wrapped tightly around me. Soft against my skin, warm. Reaching down to my feet. I wondered if I could sneak this out when leaving. The thought made me smile as I opened the door, looking at Crowley who was enjoying a glass of scotch, no doubt, flipping through the channels of the large television placed in front of the bed. His eyes roamed my torso for a second, lips stretching into a brilliant smile.

“Perfect love…easy access, if you ask me. If we didn’t have a party to attend I’d very much like to slip you out of that robe.” My face heated as I attempted to glare. Doing nothing but make his smile grow as he stood and clicked the TV off. “And there’s that blush I love.”

“I don’t blush so shut your demonic mouth.” I grumbled, crossing my arms over my chest as I walked to the front door. “Are we going?”

“Keep talkin’ dirty to me, love, you know it makes me all tingly.” He teased, setting his glass on one of the tables as he walked by before slipping his arm around my waist and hand into the pocket of my robe. “Your room key.” He murmured in my ear before opening the front door for me. “After you.”

“Can’t ever keep your hands to yourself, can you?” I muttered with a dramatic sigh. Shaking my head but walking along his side nonetheless. Not moving out of his hold.

“Like you actually mind.” He tantalized back. Walking me down the hall to the elevator. “Now…everything is paid for so do what the nice ladies ask. I’ll be back later with a little gift for you. And by the way…relax, dear. This part you’re meant to enjoy. For me, yeah?”

I drummed my fingers nervously on my arm. Stepping into the elevator with him, watching him press the button to the ground floor. “It’s not this part I’m worried about…it’s what’s gonna happen in a few hours that I’m worried about.” I muttered, feeling the familiar drop of my stomach as the elevator moved down.

“Well don’t think about what’s gonna happen in a few hours. Or am I going have to force you to keep your mind off of it?” I couldn’t help but chuckle a little bit, rubbing the back of my neck.

“Fine, fine…I’m gonna enjoy it…happy ending massages, right?” I asked jokingly, looking at the demon who I was beginning to grow frighteningly comfortable around.

He chuckled and removed his arm from my waist, putting his hand in his pocket. His stance easy, chin up. Like a man who had the world on a string. “Of course, of course…they’re calling me in for those parts.” He replied with a wink, waiting for the doors to open when the elevator dinged. I stepped out after him, following him through a lavished lobby, empty of people other than the staff. Followed him to where the supposed spa was located.

“Just give them your name,” he explained, nodding to the woman receptionist behind the desk. A quiet waiting room with magazines for those who came early for their appointments. Flowers and perfect décor, calm and expensive. “And I’ll see you in a few, love. Have fun.” He leaned in, kissing the corner of my mouth. Again lingering for a second too long before pulling away, giving me a wink, and disappearing with a blink of an eye.

With a heavy sigh I turned to the receptionist who had her eyes still glued to the screen of her computer. My stomach churning nervously as I walked up and introduced myself. Unable to keep the worry of what would happen during the night party at bay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize...so deeply for the wait. Really, truly, apologize. With all my heart. It's just been so utterly hectic. Long story short I'm currently living in my second motel room since the last chapter suitable for one of the episodes of supernatural...except that instead of having a cool job of hunting ghosts and ghoulies and summoning Crowley up for some late night fun (which we all know we'd do if we were in that world) I...get to work thirteen hours in a factory because according to the bosses the workers should also be able to walk their unicorns on water.
> 
> Okay...I'm done...apologies.
> 
> Point is; I'm sorry for the wait and I hope that things have finally settled down enough so I can get back to normal updates and I'll do all I can to make up for this. Again. I really, really, truly am sorry. And again, I won't abandon this without at the very least letting the readers know. Thank you for your patience!
> 
> Lots of love
> 
> ~Sylleth


	16. We'll Never Be Royals

Crowley…was not kidding when he said he’d treat me. He wasn’t kidding at all. And I in turn; forgot all about the party. Wondering to myself how I ever even survived this long without ever going to the spa. I had a scrub and a wrap done. The scrub was fine, salts and whatever else they used for my skin to clean the pores. However the wrap I didn’t much care for. While it was warm and felt relaxing I felt too much like a burrito. The inability to move was a bit unsettling, too. Then the 90 minute facial massage. I never thought I’d like a stranger touching my face that much…but I did. Nearly falling asleep half way through. Though it was nothing compared to the four hands back massage. Why in Gods name Crowley wanted all this done to me; I didn’t know. Sure, the scrub and the manicure and pedicure I got, nails of both hands and feet now painted a pretty red. I understood that. The eye and lip treatment to get rid of puffiness especially. He’d want me pretty for the incubus. But the massages…that served no purpose other than me relaxing. Which perhaps was also good for the ball. All I knew was that I felt that I was in Heaven and never wanted it to end. Letting out quiet groans and whines of approval when they’d hit a particular nerve.

Whatever it is that was supposed to happen today; I didn’t care. I was ready to fuck Crowley for this.

When they announced that it was all done I almost groaned in protest. But enough was enough and with light footsteps I walked back to the elevator. Not remembering once in my lifetime when I felt this relaxed while completely sober. And I had to say…my skin was soft. So…damn soft. In the elevator I actually hummed to the music, swaying as though I _might_ have been actually drunk. All but skipping down the hall back to my room. I was back for maybe five minutes, finishing off the glass of scotch Crowley had poured and flopping down on the bed. Groaning loudly at the soft sheets and mattress. Giggling to myself a second later. But there was a knock on the front door shattering my calm. Causing me to frown and sit up.

I hadn’t ordered any room service…another gift from Crowley?

Darting up with curiosity I scurried across the room. Only to find two women on the other side, carrying large cases. The sort that held salon items, makeup bags. The kind I’ve seen on the telly. “Oh…um…hello?” I murmured surprised.

The first one, looking in her early thirties, gorgeous from head to foot, perfect hair and nails and clothes, smiled politely at me. “Miss Wright?” she asked, voice light and friendly. The other one was just the same. Nothing out of place, it seemed. Looking professional though not entirely the sort that wanted to screw you over. Or that started judging you before they could actually really look at you.

“Um…yeah, that’s me.” I muttered with a nod. “Can I help you with something?”

“Actually we’re here to help you. My names Robin, that’s Clara. A Mr. Crowley called us? Said you’d be going to the party tonight so we’re here to help you with your hair and makeup.” Well, that explained it, then. Of course…all out. Including the process in which I’d be painted pretty and attractive.

I grinned sheepishly and moved to the side to let the two girls in. “Oh…right, okay. I’m Lotus, then.”

“Well it’s nice to meet you. Since we don’t have much time we’ll get started, okay? Where would you like us to set up?” The one named Robin asked, fleshing me another perfect smile.

“Anywhere you want, really. Whatever is most comfortable for you.” I shrugged in return, closing the door behind them. Wondering if perhaps I should’ve been a bit more careful around them. For all I knew they were in all actuality an enemy of Crowley’s, or maybe the incubus had found out what was happening. But they seemed friendly enough, setting up in the “living” room. Pulling out a chair for me to sit, organizing their products. Name brands I’ve only ever heard of mentioned on TV.

“So…sit, sit.” Robin urged, directing me to the chair. Seeming to be almost excited. “Any ideas on what’d you like? Hair up? Down? Braided?” I chuckled at her enthusiasm, her fingers working to detangle my hair. Pushing it up, letting it hang over my shoulders.

“I…I really haven’t given it much thought. You guys can do whatever you’d like, really. I’d just…prefer something simple. Fancy isn’t exactly my thing.” I asked politely, looking between the two girls.

Clara chuckled, giving a shake of her head. Setting bottles of foundation and eye shadow and whatever else on the table from her case. “With a face like yours why hide it behind a layer of makeup? You’re young, pretty, we’ll just bring it out a bit more. Promise; nothing too flashy.”

I breathed a sigh of relief, nodding in agreement. “Nothing too flashy.” At least Crowley had picked someone nice. Though if it was by purposeful or by chance I didn’t quite know. Nor care, for that matter.

They took their time working on me. Hair, makeup. Covering up the tattoos on my back. Tilt your head up, down, stay still, close your eyes, pucker up your lips. Commands flew swiftly from their lips and I did as told without question. Trying to steal glances of myself in the mirror that the two girls seemed intent on keeping away from me. What felt like almost hours later, when the sun outside had already begun to set and the lights had to be turned on, they finally finished. Touching up little parts here and there before stepping back to examine their work. I blinked up at them, eyes shifting from one figure to the next.

“How do I look?” I asked a bit cautiously, their grins unsettling almost.

“I like it.” Clara said, looking at Robin.

“Me too,” she finally agreed, head tilting to the side. “Nothing flashy…looks good on you.”

“Can I see?” They both nodded simultaneously, turning me to face the mirror that had set up on the table.

Well…I was shocked. Already expecting not to recognize myself. But it didn’t lessen the blow. I looked…pretty. And not myself in the slightest. Brown hair done up in a bun, strands curled and falling down to frame my face. True…the makeup was simple. But still not me. Perfect, actually. Eyebrows plucked, the slightest hint of eye shadow and brown eyeliner. Simple save for my lips. Painted a crimson red, making them look fuller than they actually were. Overall…I was unrecognizable. I was simple, and pretty, and not a Hunter. And for the longest time I couldn’t even find the words to speak.

“Well, darlings, you’ve out done yourselves. She looks wonderful.” The familiar accented voice came from somewhere behind me. And I lifted my eyes a little to the corner of the mirror to see Crowley standing further back in the room. Hands in his pockets and a pleased smirk on his lips. The two girls turned around a bit surprised, not having heard him come in. I doubted that he had. It wasn’t Crowley’s style, after all. He had that tendency to pop up out of thin air.

“Oh! Mr. Crowley.” Robin said, sounding a bit surprised. Straightening up, brushing her hair back. Smiling politely, but I didn’t miss the slight blush that crept to her cheeks. “We didn’t hear you come in. Job’s all done, I think. If you like it, that is.” She said, turning to me. Urging me to stand up.

“I can see that. Very good job.” Crowley praised, eyes darting to the other girl for a moment before he looked at me again. Smile growing a bit wider, the wrinkles around his eyes deepening. Dimples showing. “Very good job, indeed.” He muttered when I had turned to face him.

“I look weird.” I told him, trying to ignore the way my stomach churned when he didn’t take his eyes off of me. Unable to keep myself from wondering if he finally saw me to be up to his standards.

“You look beautiful, love.” He said, tone _almost_ sounding genuine. I felt both of the girls, Clara and Robin, glance at me and Crowley. Did they wonder if we were a couple? Slowly he dragged his eyes away from mine to look at Clara. Expression shifting slightly into something a bit more…business-like. “The tattoos?”

It seemed that Carla was lost for a second as to what Crowley was talking about before it clicked and her eyes widened a bit. “Oh! Yes, covered up nicely. I suggest don’t go swimming but it will hold up throughout the night.” She finally replied with a proud smile.

He gave a short nod, staying standing where he was. Arms still in his pockets.

“Is that all?” Robin asked, sounding slightly awkward, unsure even.

“Yes. You know where the door is. Thank you both.” He said and walked past them to me. Taking a closer look, head tilting to the side. Smile lining his lips again. He didn’t even take notice as they walked out, though my eyes kept darting to them. Smiling gratefully for keeping their word and not making me look like a fifth avenue hooker. “I’ve got something waiting for you in the bedroom.” Crowley spoke before the girls left, causing my eyes to dart back to his. Curiosity once more rising.

“What?” I asked a bit cautiously. His smirk only grew, unsettling even, but he didn’t reply. Only nodded his head toward the room. I sighed, gave a slight shake of my head and walked to the bedroom. Pulling the robe around myself a bit more, Crowley following closely behind me.

“Did you enjoy yourself?” He asked, words murmured near my ear.

I felt a shiver creep down my spine but smiled and gave a slight nod. Turning to look at him I nodded. “Yeah, actually, I did. Thank you…took forever but…damn…the things I would’ve agreed to at those moments when they were working my muscles.” I said teasingly. Crowley’s eyes sparked a little and he winked, lips parting to let his tongue dart out for a second. Making my gaze shift to his mouth for a second.

“I don’t need somebody else’s hands workin’ on you to get you to promise me things.” He murmured, voice a low purr. He had done this countless times. The seductive tone in his voice, the suggestive phrases. And still, each time it drew a reaction from me. A shuddery breath, shiver down my spine. He was the Devil for doing it.

In the bedroom there was a box on the bed. Long and black, save for the red ribbon tied around it like a gift. “Dress?” I asked, having no doubt that he’d have that picked out as well. Crowley just hummed, sitting beside it, pulling the box into his lap. I had to stand in front of him, pulling on the silky tie before lifting the cover off. The color was to match my nails, my lips. Red, bright, crimson almost. Fabric silky and smooth to my touch. Falling gracefully to the floor as I pulled it out. Open back, a slit up the side to show my thigh. I may not have liked dresses, never having owned a proper one. But even I had to gawk. My lips falling open as I ran my eyes over it. Absolutely sublime. Perfect, expensive. “Woah…”

“You like it, I trust?” Crowley’s voice cut through my mind, making drag my eyes to look at him.

“I hate to say it…but yeah…yeah I do.” I muttered, turning it this way and that to look at it. The fabric ever flowing. Folds perfect and smooth. “It’s beautiful.”

“Not as beautiful as it’ll be when you’re wearing it.” Crowley said with a wink, clearing his throat and nodding back down to the box. I frowned and glanced at it again. My frown quickly turning into a look of annoyance. “I like _that_ much better.” Hanging the dress over my arm I picked up the lacy black panties that were at the bottom of the box. Though I would _never_ tell him so, they were kind of cute. Stringy, lacy. And luckily enough for me; not a thong.

“Of course…of course you would.” I muttered with an exasperated sigh. Still, I placed them on top of the dress and bent at the waist, pressing a soft kiss to Crowley’s cheek. “Thank you anyways. You didn’t have to go through all this.”

Crowley seemed to beam, smile wide, chin up in pride. “I’m the King of Hell, darling. And tonight; you’re my Queen.”

“A Queen you’re sending out to lure a beast.” I sang over my shoulder, making my way to the bathroom.

“Details, details.” He murmured back, a low chuckle rising from his throat. “Let me know if you need help!”

“I won’t.” I called back before closing the door.

I took care not to look in the mirror. Hanging my robe on the hook on the door. Slipping into the panties first. Finding that they were comfortable enough. At least no uncomfortable tightness anywhere. And then took the dress. I was careful stepping in it, pulling it up and straps over my shoulders. The fabric feeling just as good against my skin as it did against my fingers. Tight and loose in all the right places, like it was made specifically for me. Checking to make sure everything was in place I gave a few turns, looking down at myself. It wasn’t too revealing in the front either. The slit that split the dress ran high up my thigh, a bit past my fingertips when I held my arm down. Seductive…but classy. Sucking in a breath I finally turned to the mirror.

Still I couldn’t recognize myself. It couldn’t be me…simply couldn’t. I looked too…to nice. Too expensive. Skin made smooth, lips matching the dress. Christ…the dress. I couldn’t even dream of affording a dress like that. Not in a million years. My mouth went dry, heart beating quickly. No…this party couldn’t happen. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t be that person. I was just done up like it. Covered in expensive clothes. False layers. But I couldn’t be her. I could _never_ be the girl in the mirror. My breaths were short gasps as I tried to will myself to calm down. I _could_ do it. If Crowley asked me he must’ve known I had at least a sliver of hope. I could…I had to. Promised him. The spa, the hair, the makeup, dress. It was all for me. I couldn’t disappoint him. Not now.

“Darling?” Crowley called from the bedroom, snapping me back into reality. I blinked, hearing his footsteps grow closer to the door. “Are you alright in there?”

“Yeah…yeah I’m fine.” I murmured back. Voice not quite my own as I turned away from the imagine in the mirror to open the door. Crowley stood a few feet away. And the sight of him made my breath hitch again. He wasn’t in the suit he had come in. In the time that it took me to change into the dress Crowley had dressed up too.

True, he always looked nice. Neat suites, expensive taste. But this was different. Even I could tell. His suit black, shirt to match. Even the tie. His tie was always grey but now it was black. Not a glimmer of light. His hair made neat, shoes shiny. And in his dinner jacket was a silky handkerchief. Red…to match my dress. His eyes were wandering me, and mine him. This really was too much. I could feel the way my heart beat, was sure he could hear it. My breaths not enough.

“Lotus you look…exquisite.” He finally said. His voice light, almost indifferent. But the words were muttered quietly, head tilted slightly to the side.

“Right back at you….” I murmured, finding it hard to grasp at words. Crowley smiled wider and took my hand. Bringing it up to his lips to press a kiss to the back it.

“Thank you, darling.” He said against my hand, tugging gently to get me to walk. Bringing me to the bed. Pushing on my shoulders so I’d sit on the bed. “Now…just be yourself at the party. Don’t worry about trying to “fit in”. Don’t make a scene, act civil. It’s as simple as that.” I watched as he knelt in front of me. Pulling another, smaller box, toward me. Shoes, I realized. Black, heels not too high. Straps long and silky. “Let the thing find you. And it will…don’t you worry about that.” I listened to him, watching as he took my foot in his hand, his other picking up one of the shoes. Slipping it on, fingers though calloused working nimbly to get the straps right. Coming up just a little above my ankle. “And when he does, just do what he asks. I’ll find you when he suggests you two go back to his room.” He did the same with my other foot. Just as careful, just as quick. “Just darling…don’t worry.”

Finally he raised his eyes to mine and flashed me a familiar smirk. Wrinkles deepening, dimples showing, eyes holding that mischievous spark. His hands now running up my calf. I watched as he dipped his head a little, pressing his lips to my leg, moving up to my knee. Smiling all the while. “I don’t think being myself is going to be much help here.” I said after finding my voice. Skin burning from his touches. He ran his lips over the fabric of the dress, up my thigh before looking up at me, a low chuckle rising from his throat.

“Trust me, would you? You’re not that good of an actress, just be civil.” He said simply, making it sound like I was worried about absolutely nothing. He stood, finally, bringing me up with him. Tugging me suddenly against his chest. I realized what he was doing when his arm wrapped around my waist, my hand in his held to the side, feet suddenly moving to an unheard rhythm. “Bit of practice won’t hurt, hmm? We’ve got time.”

I smiled a bit, relaxing just the slightest. He had spent hours teaching me to dance so it was a familiar feeling. A lot more so than the dress that I wore. Though still nervous about the party I managed to follow his lead, refraining from stepping on his feet. Faltering only a few times due to the high heels. I wasn’t used to those, after all. But he was good, very good in fact. Making sure to not go too fast, twirling me now and then. Making me stifle laughter when he did.

“Not too bad, darling, not too bad at all.” He chuckled, pulling me against him again. Dipping me down and making me laugh again as I stared at the bed, the image upside down from my head being tilted back. “I’m almost considering saying damn the party and just having some bloody good ol’ fashioned fun right here.” I was about to look up and retort with some sarcastic comment, smile playful. But then there was a pressing warmth of a breath against my throat before I felt his lips. Scorching hot…gentle. Making my lips fall open in a silent “o” as my eyes slid close. Shiver running down my spine and warmth spreading from my neck to my toes. I felt the press of his tongue, warm and slick, trialing up before he nipped the skin with his teeth and kissed to soothe the spot.

“But…job’s a job…gotta do it.” I managed to mutter, my voice quiet and shaky. I felt the vibration of Crowley chuckle against my neck before he pulled back enough to look at me. His arms supporting me, lips ghosting over my cheek.

“If I didn’t know any better I’d say you wanted me quite a bit, darlin’.” He said quietly. I stared up at him, my hand slipping from his shoulder to his neck. I even managed a smile.

“Of course I do…I do have hormones, you know…besides…despite all the malevolent things you do, you _can_ be quite charming. From time to time.” I replied after a second. Letting my fingers trace the hairline at the base of his neck. Crowley’s eyes softened for a second before he slowly pulled me up and stepped back. Bent at the waist in a bow and kissed the back of my hand as though we were in an actual ballroom. Part of me had wished that he would’ve simply kissed me. I craved to taste his lips, again.

“Well, love…as wonderful as this all is…I’m afraid we must dash. Wouldn’t want you to be late.” Without another word he tucked me to his side, pulling my arm so I’d hook it in his, and lead me out of the room. I couldn’t help myself but smile. He was wonderful…beyond words. Enticing, wicked, dangerous, bad…and charming. And in his own twisted way; caring. For not the first time I wondered why in Gods name I couldn’t just submit to him. “Oh, and another thing,” Crowley added suddenly as we stepped into the elevator and pressed the floor button. “Be a dear and wear this. Don’t take it off, else I won’t be able to tell where you are. Wouldn’t want to lose you, would I?” He said, pulling out a necklace form his pocket.

It was plain, nothing fancy, though held some interesting intricate charms. Little ones surrounding a larger round one, little ruby set in the very center. I turned my back to him so he could put it on. The metal cool against my skin. When he had fastened the necklace I felt the press of a kiss to the back of my neck before I turned around and hooked my arm in his again. “Don’t lose the necklace. Noted.” I nodded, waiting patiently for the elevator doors to open.

Crowley walked with a slight smirk on his lips. His other hand in the pocket of his pants, chin up, chest puffed out. Others might have not known who he was, but they treated him all the same. Smiling politely, moving out of the way. Staring at the two of us with questioning glances. But never once for too long. Crowley held the door open for me and when we walked outside there was a limousine waiting for us. The driver opening the door, bowing slightly at the sight of Crowley.

“You really went all out, didn’t you?” I murmured, climbing in first. Fixing the dress and sitting in the comfortable leather seat. Not a second later Crowley joined me, sitting much too close. Not that I minded, truth be told.

“Of course. Being King has its perks, you know.” He winked.

The drive was done mostly in silence. Crowley giving little tips, reminders. Telling me what to watch out for, how to answer certain questions. I listened, growing more nervous by the second. Watching the buildings outside, the people. Wishing I could just…tuck and roll. Each time my mind wandered Crowley would bring me back. A hand on my cheek, my knee. I’d apologize and listen again. And though his words were meant to help me they only got me more nervous. My fingers twisting in the dress, coming up to run against the necklace. And when the limo rolled to a stop my breathing grew shuddery. Stomach twisting in so many knots I was nauseous.

“Lotus…darling…you keep frowning like that you’ll get wrinkles.” Crowley murmured, fingers pushing on my chin, turning me to look at him. I focused on his eyes. Warm, mischievous…familiar. “Calm down, hmm? You’ll be fine. Enjoy yourself, dance, eat, drink. Have fun.” His lips stretched into a smirk and he leaned forward, pressing a lingering kiss to the corner of my mouth. I turned my head again when he was done, glanced outside and frowned.

“Are you sure there isn’t-“ I cut myself off when I turned back. Crowley was gone, not a trace of his presence left behind. A heavy and nervous sigh left my lips as I turned to the opening doors.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are....absolutely wonderful. Thank you so, so much for all the kind comments. I love you all for it. Truly! 
> 
> ~Sylleth  
> ....I need a spa treatment.


	17. Evil Making Me Its Whore

A little part of me was starting to get hopeful. Or as hopeful as it could get. Maybe… _maybe_ the thing didn’t show. Sure there were a lot of men at the party. A lot of good looking ones too. But none that struck me as especially stunning or alluring. And the more I looked the more I realized that the good looking men weren’t…that good looking. Too tall, too lean, too young…too different from Crowley. I caught that train of thought more than once, glancing around. Finishing glass after glass of champagne. Turning off dance offers, weaseling my way out of conversations. It was a rather annoying task, one that I guessed did nothing to help find that damn incubus. But quite frankly; I didn’t care. In fact, I would have much rather he not find me at all. Maybe Crowley would pick someone else then…I wouldn’t have to go through all this business.

“Miss?” I looked at the waiter that had been standing near me for far too long, I guessed. His gaze questioning. “May I take the glass?” he asked politely. I looked at the empty glass in my hand and sighed, giving a slight nod, and set it on his tray. Reaching for a new filled one.

“Thanks…sorry, I was just thinking.” I apologized quietly. He cast me a slight smile, gave the smallest of bends at the waist in a bow, and left to serve the other guests. I let out a slow breath and lifted the glass to my lips, the champagne that had tasted so damn good before was now bitter to me. Though still fine in quality, it only meant that I was still stuck _here_. And not at home curled up next to Bobby with a cheap bottle of whiskey and a pizza and old movie.

“Thinking about what, if I may ask?” a voice spoke up beside me. I glanced at the man, like all the others wearing a fine tuxedo. Taller than me, by a good head no less. Chiseled features and a strong jaw and combed hair. He was lean, and young, and…handsome…just like the rest of them.

“If I told you, you’d know too.” I said, smiling politely, hoping the conversation would end there. Wanting to step away. But my eyes flicked back to the stranger, finding something familiar about him.

“That is why I asked, you know.” He said. He had dark eyebrows, a lot like Crowley’s….except that they weren’t. They were a lot straighter. And not as thick…but like his.

“Maybe I just don’t feel like sharing,” I replied, taking another long drink of my champagnes, glancing out at the crowd. I should walk away now. Last guy of the night, I told myself. Then I’d just leave and Crowley would have to deal with it.

“Hmm…pity…I was hoping for something interesting. Lots of prudes here, tonight…you’d think money means a lack of imagination.” He sighed heavily, straightening up. I watched the stranger from the corner of my eye. He had hair like Crowley…except that it was thicker. And fell around his forehead a little more. A lot more…and longer sideburns. But like Crowley’s.

“You can say that again. I tried to crack a joke and thought they’d fling me through the window at any moment.” I muttered, scoffing slightly, finishing the drink. Looking around for another waiter so I could exchange glasses. Or at the very least set the empty one down. Maybe I had a few too many already. My head was already swimming, God knew I’d do something stupid if I actually got drunk.

“Yeah? Ever try cursing around them? The flies gasp.” The stranger added, causing me to chuckle with amusement.

“You mean there are flies here?”

“Oh, yeah, they’re hanging around the windows mostly. Wearing suits…might not notice them, easily confused with the older gents.” He replied nonchalantly, getting a laugh to bubble from my throat. At least this one was funny. And sounded like Crowley… _no he doesn’t_ , a voice muttered in my head. He had no accent and his voice wasn’t _nearly_ as deep or scratchy…why did I think he sounded like the demon?

“I’m Lotus,” I said, blurting out my name before I could properly think about it. Wasn’t I supposed to use an alias or something? It seemed like the logical thing to do, at least.

“Julian…pleasure.” He greeted, taking my hand in his, bringing it to his lips to kiss the fingers. I felt a pleasant warmth spread through me…he had soft lips. Much like Crowley’s…I think. “Don’t suppose you’d like a dance?” he offered, words murmured against my fingers.

I pulled my lip between my teeth, looking out at the dance floor. I hadn’t actually danced…not without Crowley. But that was different…I trusted Crowley. As crazy as it may have sounded. I trusted him. “I dunno…I never really danced before. And that is a _lot_ of people out there.” Julian chuckled, already tugging me to the dance floor, pulling me against him and into position. Didn’t I have a glass to get rid of?

“Don’t worry, it’s not as bad as it seems. And if you get really uncomfortable we can stop.” He assured me, eyes dark as he looked down at me. It reminded me a bit of Crowley, I think. _No…no it doesn’t…he’s nothing like him! Look at him…he’s too tall, he’s too skinny…too young. Too…too…well…he does have his lips_.

“Do you come to these things often?” I asked, following him as best as I could across the dance floor. Left, right…back and forth. He was good at avoiding people and I was happy for it.

“Now and again…I’m guessing you don’t?” he replied, head tilted slightly to the side. Pulling me closer until I was flush against him. Dress flowing around me, heels clicking. I almost forgot I was in a dress.

“Am I that obvious?”

“Just a bit.”

His smile was warm, lips closed, eyes friendly. He really _did_ look like Crowley. Just a little bit, at least. And his humor reminded me of him…I think. It was the alcohol, that’s all. The more he spun me the dizzier I became, giggling and laughing at his jokes. Closer and closer until his lips were brushing against my neck. Breathing a bit difficult, now. He was sweet, really. Asking if I was alright, making jokes, making sure I wasn’t uncomfortable. And little by little I forgot I was on an actual job. That I was meant to find someone or other. I didn’t care to, to be honest, whatever it was it could wait.

“Lotus?” the man murmured, a bit louder against my ear. Lips pressing to my neck in a soft kiss, making my eyes close and a hum to rise from my throat in a response. “I asked if you wanted to go someplace a bit more…private?” he repeated, pulling back to nudge my nose with his. “If you’d like, that is.”

I smiled at him, feeling pleasantly woozy from the alcohol and the dance. Opening my eyes to look at him. “Sure…anywhere you’d like.” The words rolled of my tongue quiet and slow, like I really was that drunk.

Julian spun me around one more time, letting go of my hand but keeping his arm around my waist. “Good…I have the perfect place in mind.”

***

“Julian….fuckin’ hell…” I moaned, pulling at his suit, his bowtie. He grunted in response, hiking up my dress, pushing me against the wall, rolling his hips into mine. Making me moan and writhe like a fifth avenue whore. He pressed his lips to mine and I felt the same jolt, a maddening rush of desire and need and warmth. Following quickly by a loud and guttural moan, fingers ceasing in a white-knuckled grip on his shirt. “ _Crowley_ …”

The movement ceased suddenly. I protested and whined, trying to buck my hips against him. “What’d you just call me?” he hissed, but his words didn’t register.

“I believe it was something along the lines of calling out _my_ name.” The raspy voice, the accent, the teasing tone. That’s what I’ve been looking for…that was what I was waiting for. My eyes opened to see him stand behind Julian. That suit, hands in pockets, signature smirk. “They don’t make them better than me.”

“ _Crowley_ …” I repeated, the name quiet rolling off my tongue.

“You _bitch_ ,” Julian snarled and was suddenly yanked off me, his tight grip disappearing from my wrist. And in turn I whined, reaching out to grab him. I needed him, I needed him against me again.

“Shh-shh-shh, darlin’, none of that now.” Crowley was better. Pushing me back, though gently, folding his arms around me. My back curved against him instantly, face pushing into his neck, breathing labored and thick as I forced my lips against his skin. “Someone’s a bit frisky, hmm?”

Julian yelled for a while, yelled all sorts of profanities I didn’t much care to make out before it was silent. My hips pushing against Crowley’s relentlessly, pleading wordlessly for him to do what Julian had been doing. “Lotus, darling, as flattering as this is I’d like you to stop, now.” Crowley said in my ear.

“I need you…please, Crowley…” I pleaded in return, pulling back to look at him. His eyes dark, inviting. _He_ was inviting. And warm, and smelled irresistible. The scotch and sulfur familiar.

“I don’t think that’s a ver-“ his words faltered when I bucked my hips against his, gripping his suit, my other hand finding the back of his neck. “…Lotus…” I pushed my hips against his again, earning a quiet groan in return that sent me careening into a lust-fueled haze.

“Sir…?” A third voice piped up, but I didn’t care who it was. Crowley did…his lips pulled back in a snarl.

“Get out.” He growled, his voice low and filled with fury.

“But sir—“

“I said get the bloody fuck out!” He roared, his voice booming as he looked behind him. A second later and Crowley was hauling me up and I had no protest in that. Working with difficulty to wrap my legs around his waist. He wouldn’t have any of that, it seemed, holding me in such a way that it was damn near impossible to do. Then he dropped me, a soft surface under my back as I bounced up a bit. But Crowley was there again, pushing me back into the mattress of an unfamiliar bed.

“Please!” I pleaded, clutching his suit, tugging at the buttons, breathing heavy and shallow as I looked up at the demon with begging eyes. “For the love…fucking please, Crowley…please.” Like some starved whore, I simply couldn’t stop. I was burning, I was needy. I needed _him._ I needed it him so bad my mind felt as if it were being torn apart and so all I could do was twist my fingers in his suit and pull him down against me, leg bending to try and wrap around his waist.

But Crowley growled and pushed me down, yanked my hands away from his suit to shove against the bed. His face close to mine…but not close enough. I strained to sit up, strained to crane my neck and push my lips against his. But he was strong and his grip only tightened, another low growl vibrating from his throat. Knee pressing between my legs to keep me down…or he hoped to keep me down, I guessed. In turn it had an entirely different effect, my hips jerking upward against his leg like a dog in heat. Grinding shamelessly up, a low moan pulling from my lips. “Bloody hell, Lotus…do you have any idea what you’re asking me?”

“ _Fuck me_ ,” I pleaded without a pause, voice thick and heavy, arching my back, grinding against his leg, pulling at the hold on my wrists. Words spilling from my lips in different languages, profanities and begs for him to make me scream, make me cum. I wasn’t even like a whore…I was something worse. And though part of me knew this was most certainly not my doing I couldn’t stop. The lack of release was physically painful.

“Damn it, you bloody cur will you _calm down_!” Crowley roared. But whether it was my doing or his he slipped between my legs and I used to advantage to buck my hips against his. Felt him through the slacks that were in fact, not so very slack at the moment. Another moan rippling from my throat, the grind slow and forceful. And in turn Crowley shuddered above me, grunted and pressed down on me until I was forced back into the bed. A chuckle finally rising from his chest. “Bloody ‘ell…bloody fuckin’ hell, Lotus, I do this you’ll despise me in the morning.” His lips were on my throat, my neck. The kisses _burning_. I was sure blisters were forming, limbs quivering as I tried to catch my breath. Heart pounding so goddamn loud in my ears it drowned out my shallow gasps and whispers.

“I don’t care,” I replied, my voice a whine, trying to move up against him. Get friction, any sort of friction. But he was stronger…and it was so goddamn hard to move. Each time I tried his teeth would sink into my neck and a cry would tear from my lips, movements jerking and ceasing before I felt the hot and wet press of his tongue against the spot before he moved on to a new piece of skin. “ _Placere_.” The word dripped with desperation, like he was torturing me in the worst…bitterest, sweetest ways possible.

Crowley grunted again against my neck, another slow, _excruciatingly_ slow roll of his hips against mine. Pressing hard until my legs began to quiver. “We can make a compromise, however.” He said, voice low and raspy, teeth and tongue working to tease the flesh beneath my jaw. I could hardly hear him, let alone understand. Any terms, any at all I’d agree to. Even if he wanted my soul. “Shh, darlin’…not so loud…haven’t even gotten to the good part.” He was teasing, poking fun...and I didn’t care. He could call me the filthiest names, do the most excruciating painful things, fuck me in any way on any surface and I knew…I knew that now, at this moment I would do nothing less than plead him for more.

But I tried to slow down. I tried to calm my movements and do as told. It was impossible to do, though. It burned…everything burned…the smallest of his touches. I felt his hand, fingers wrapping around my neck. My head tilting back instinctively to grant him more room. He squeezed gently, dragging his hand down across my collarbone, fingers slipping underneath the strap of my dress. A whine leaving my lips as my own fingers twisted in the sheets to keep myself from squirming. Even if my hips twitched up involuntary against his. “Good girl…just like that…” He murmured against my ear, lips trailing to my jaw again, liquid flames lining my skin where he touched and kissed. He didn’t neglect a single part he could reach, palm running over my breast, pushing up before moving down to my side. Another choked moan slipped from my lips, another jerk of my hips. His name drawn out in long syllables. I felt him halt a bit, teeth slowly sinking into my shoulder. In response my back arched off the bed, pain mixing with the pleasure that made me go half mad. “Say my name, again.” He ordered, his voice hardly above a murmur.

” _Crowley_ ,” there was no hesitation, his name ringing like a wanton plead. And in return Crowley pushed his hips against mine, hard and slow, rolling forward and up. Another moan…another shudder. It wasn’t helping. It didn’t help one bit so I cried out in frustration, trying to hook my legs around him, trying to force myself up against him. “Crowley please….please…I-I need… _deus_ I need more.” My voice was almost hinging on tears as he continued a painfully slow trail of kisses down to the top of my chest. His hand moving down my side to my hip, my thigh, lifting up as he rolled his hips again. And again. And again.

“More…hmm? Tell me, darlin’…tell me what you need…be a good girl and tell me what you need…” He continued to murmur, his voice low and raspy and thick and so very accented that it was almost impossible to make out the words. Or perhaps it was the wooshing of blood in my ears as I bit my lip to the point of blood to keep from screaming.

“ _Deus Crowley,_ I need you….fuckin’...please…need you inside me…please.” The words were hard to form, mouth dry, tongue heavy, lips numb. Impossible to talk. It was impossible to think, to find the words.

“Good, Lotus…good…you’re being very good.” He praised, giving another push of his hips. His member prominent now, hard, pressing against the heat of the apex of my legs. Making my legs quiver as I tried to keep from clawing his clothing off. “You’re bloody perfect when you beg.” Suddenly I couldn’t feel him between my legs, anymore and before I could protest I felt his hand on the inside of my leg. The skin breaking out in goose-bumps as he trailed it up. His fingers almost inhumanly warm. My gasps loud, whimpers trembling. Up, up, up he went. Higher and higher until I was writhing on the mattress. His fingers teasing the flimsy fabric of the panties. Pushing against me, tracing the waistband. “I wish I could fuck you, Lotus…I really… _truly_ do…” He pulled the piece of clothing down, tugging and pulling until his fingers found the warm and now slick skin beneath. “But the thing is….the thing is, darling…I want you to remember when I do.” His face was above mine, I felt the heat of his breath on my cheek, my lips. My hips twitching and bucking against his teasing fingers. “Because believe me I will…and believe me you’ll be begging just as much while sober.”

A cry tore from my lips as I felt him push a finger inside, back arching impossibly, hand flying to grip at his suit. Twisting tightly in the fabric to hold him close. “Shh…shh….” His voice rang in my ear, followed by an unmistakable groan. Low and quiet and sounding like a goddamn symphony to my ears. “Bloody…fuckin’ hell, Lotus…bloody hell…you feel wonderful.” My eyes were either closed or rolled to the back of my head. Quite frankly I didn’t care. I felt his arm slip beneath the lower of my back, felt him shift and felt him move his hand. Pulling his finger out only to push it back in. Another guttural moan leaving the back of my throat. The feeling simultaneously wonderful and maddening. But cut short by his mouth on mine, lips forceful, tongue demanding. Moving in a way that made me lose my breath until my head felt dizzy. His finger finding a slow rhythm, never ceasing to move. Curving when inside making my legs shake.

Time seemed to bend and shift around us, coming to a stop, or simply ceased existing altogether. I wasn’t sure how much of this I could take. It was like he was building up a release that wouldn’t come. By the way I began to twitch and squirm beneath him I think Crowley understood and I felt the painfully wonderful stretch of a second finger, causing my toes to curl and hips rise against his hand. His name ringing like a praise around the room and return another quiet groan in my ear. “Bloody hell, Lotus you’re tight…so good, love…”

My fingers clutched at his suit in a white knuckled grip as I tried to bring myself closer to him, moving my hips in the rhythm of the thrusts of his fingers. His name slipping my tongue again and again and again, breathing so difficult, the air around us burning hot. I couldn’t breathe at times, it seemed. Still I kept moving against his hand. And in turn Crowley didn’t cease the thrusts of his fingers. Finally I managed to bury my face in his neck, lips brushing against the skin beneath the jaw. Crowley shushed me, his hand slipping behind my neck, into my hair, pressing my face tighter into the crook of his neck. I felt his thumb find the small bundle of nerves that tore a cry from my lips as he began to rub it. I was positively writhing, a pressure building rapidly inside me.

“Crowley I…oh _Deus Crowley_ ….” My words were mumbled against him, mixed between moans and whines. Words incoherent as I moved against his hand, fingers so tight in his suit I was sure I’d rip the fabric.

“That’s it love…good girl…good bloody girl, don’t hold back. Cum for me…say my name again and you can cum.” I did…I said it again and again and again, feeling his fingers move faster and with more purpose each time I did. He didn’t let up, not even when my moans had turned into muffled screams. Body feeling as though it would combust at any given minute. It had to. My mind tearing apart, muscles twitching, shocks being sent from nowhere to nowhere. I was going to die…I was…I couldn’t live through this.

He gave a particularly hard thrust of his fingers, hitting a part of me that made me see stars. Made my back arch impossibly off the bed and scream and choke. So he did it again. And again…and again. Until the pressure tipped me over and sent me in a mad rush of convulsions. Body pulsating, twitching, hips rocking madly against his hand. His name the only thing that could be made out in the midst of a muffled scream. Eyes closed tight though I saw nothing but white-hot flames. I couldn’t make out what he was saying. He kept murmuring something, but I couldn’t comprehend what. The entire world washed away in a single moment of what could only be described as pure bliss. Ecstasy in its rawest form until I was left close to blacking out.

My breaths were nothing more than short gasps, body still twitching beneath the demon. He still held me pressed close to him, his hand in my hair keeping my face pressed into his neck, fingers pressed deep inside me. He waited until I was done. Left on the verge of unconsciousness to pull away. His lips making a tail or kisses from my neck to the corner of my mouth. “Good girl…good bloody show…”

“ _Crowley_ …” His name was nothing more than a weak whisper, lips hardly moving as I spoke.

“Shh, shh, shh love. I think you deserve some sleep after all that, hmm?” a long whine left my throat as he pulled his fingers out, letting me lay back against the bed. Eyes blinking furiously to get the blurriness to disappear. But I was losing the battle to stay awake. “That’s right, Lotus…close your eyes. Shh, sleep.” His voice was low and comforting, making me fade into a pleasant oblivion. Heart still hammering madly against my ribs, breathing heavy and muscles still twitching. “Sleep, darling…sleep.” I was too tired…too drunk to protest. Too worn out to fight the post-orgasmic bliss that settled around me. Forcing my eyes to close.

The only thing that I managed was to murmur his name one last time. Or maybe it was in my head that I said it. It didn’t matter, I earned a kiss from Crowley anyways. Lips pressing softly against mine until I drifted under.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ....Giggidy.
> 
> Long story short; I'm busy as Hell. Next few months I'll be moving like 4 different places and two countries so bear with me. I'll try to update as much as I can. I also have to get up in...look at that, four hours to go to work. But I love you all very much, and I love you all for sticking around and all the comments and everything else. You guys are really the greatest readers a girl can ask for. Thank you, and lots of love to you all.
> 
> ~Sylleth


	18. Familliar Taste Of Poison

The dry mouth was what I noticed first. Like I hadn’t had anything to drink in the last….well, ever. And a headache...a fresh wave with each beat of my heart like someone was taking a hammer to my brain every few seconds. I felt sore all over, I felt sick, nauseous, and like I had the worst case of a hangover in the history of humanity. A guttural groan left my lips, muffled by the pillow as I tried to stir. When I did I felt the press of another body behind me, fingers on my bare arm, tracing little patterns on the skin. I froze immediately, trying to remember where I was, what happened.

“Relax, darling, it’s just me.” Crowley murmured, his voice low and quiet. I did…maybe not a lot, but a bit. After all, at least it wasn’t some monster or creep. Had I really gotten that drunk the night before?

“What happened?” I managed, my throat feeling raw, still reluctant to move or open my eyes. But I needed water…I wanted it so much. I wondered if perhaps I could get my muscles to move with some screaming. Or maybe a car battery.

“Memory a bit foggy?” Crowley sighed, sounding strangely disappointed. I felt the warmth of his lips against my shoulder blade, hand drifting to trace patterns on my hips. “Pity…”

“…Crowley…uh…did…we didn’t…I mean-“

“Oh trust me darling, if we did you’d remember it. Or at the very least feel it in the morning.” He chuckled against the back of my neck, his breath warm and a lot more soothing than I had wanted to admit.

“Oh…good…good, just wanted to make sure.” I murmured, words still slightly muffled in the pillow. I tried to grasp at memories of the night before. I had gotten ready…the spa treatment, the makeup, the dress…I still had the dress on, come to think of it. I could feel the fabric. But then what? I _did_ go to that party…and drank champagne. Lots of champagne. And I had tried to avoid the people, didn’t find anyone noteworthy and then….no…I did dance with someone. “Did we get the incubus?” I finally asked, wondering if that was it. But memories were so hard to grasp at. Slipping away like water.

“Mmm…yes…yes we did, darling. Tasteless, egocentric cur if you ask me.” I heard the distaste in his voice and wondered what had happened for it to be there. I frowned, trying so desperately to remember. We danced…then…we left. We did leave the party together.

“J…J…Jude…Julian? Was that his name?” I asked, relishing in the feeling of his fingers dancing around spots of my skin and over the thin fabric of my dress.

Crowley grunted in response, his fingers wrapping around my hip, pressing into the skin almost possessively. Had he seen us dance? Or had I done something…worse? “Yes…that’s what he had introduced himself as. I don’t particularly care what his bloody name is, it won’t do me any good.”

I finally forced my eyes open, blinking furiously to get the blurriness out of my vision. I was in a dim unfamiliar room. Not the hotel Crowley had taken me to before the party, that’s for sure. But still nice, still expensive and with the drapes closed. I was grateful for that. “What _do_ you need him for? And the um…the mare. What’s the purpose?” I asked, groaning quietly as I forced myself to turn around to face Crowley. His hand never leaving my side as I did. He was still in his suit, laying on his side on top of the sheets. Probably didn’t stay around while I slept. Must’ve just gotten here not so long ago. “What are you looking for?”

“If I told you I’d have to kill you.” He replied with a wink and a mischievous smirk. I wondered what he was up to. I wondered if I was helping him do something that would affect Bobby and the boys. That would affect humanity in general. I sighed and closed my eyes again, the light, albeit faint, having a negative effect on me.

“You know…I’ve been considering jumping off a bridge…thoughts?” I muttered, voice filled to the brim with sarcasm. But Crowley just chuckled in return, his fingers rubbing circles on my hip as he pulled me closer. I would’ve pushed back if I wasn’t feeling so damn rotten. Or…well, at least I had an excuse not to this time.

“By all means. I hear suicide is a sin so all the better for me. I’ll make sure to have the pillows fluffed in my bed.” He replied easily, hand creeping from my side to push stray bit of hair from my face. I was so used to his touch, now. Found it comforting, almost. The warmth of his fingers, how the pads were slightly calloused. An eerie tenderness that he could possess. I couldn’t help but wonder if it was because of the way I responded to him that he chose to be that gentle. Despite the sneers and comments…I did have that damning tendency to lean in. Even if just a little.

“Get those goose-feather ones. I like those.” I replied without a second hesitation, chuckling for a split second before turning to bury my face in the pillow. “On another note…can you get me some water?” My words were muffled and mumbled, but the sound of a snap of fingers was almost immediate. And when I turned my head back to look at him, Crowley was holding a crystal clear glass of water for me to take.

“All you need to do is ask, darling.” I almost frowned at him, asked why in gods name he was being so nice. Why he didn’t ask for my soul, even in a joking manner. But the water looked so good and I didn’t care enough at the present to find out, and instead took the glass quickly from his hand, drinking down the water. Liquid cool, soothing, actually settling my stomach and nausea a bit. Even in my odd position I didn’t stop drinking till the glass was empty, nearly choking a few times before finally moving it away from my lips and letting out a long and heavy sigh. “Another?” Crowley asked, head tilted slightly to the side. The corners of his lips upturned into an amused smirk.

“No…no, thanks, maybe in a bit.” I muttered, licking my lips. Too much and I had a feeling I’d actually throw something up. If there was actually anything in my stomach. “What time is it?” I finally asked, handing the glass back to him. Crowley shifted to set it on the nightstand, his hand then returning to my side again.

“A few minutes past nine, now. You still have a few hours to sleep if you’d like.” He offered.

“Mm-mm…I need to get up…get back to Bobby. Face his wrath for not calling all night.” I replied with another stifled yawn, forcing myself to sit up. It was hard, limbs feeling not my own. Stiff and unresponsive, like I might still be drunk. Groaning quietly I finally managed to sit up properly, rubbing the back of my neck and glancing back down at Crowley who still lay on the sheets, fully dressed. Even with his dress shoes on. His hand rubbed circles on the lower of my back, tracing my spine through the dress. “Got my change of clothes? Or are we gonna head back to the hotel room you had booked?”

“Here is fine, I think. You don’t look like you’re quite up for a lot of travelling. Go on, take a shower. I’ll get your clothes for you.” Again my brow furrowed. Why in gods name was he actually being that nice? Not that I was complaining, exactly, but Crowley wasn’t Crowley without constant insults and I wondered what had happened the night before for him to actually start acting this way. Did I say something, or do something? Did he?

I blinked, shaking my head slightly, and pushed the covers back. “Okay. Thank you…again.” The floor was soft against my bare feet, carpet thick as I stood. Slowly and carefully, waiting for dizziness that thankfully didn’t come.

It was that first step that made me pause. A very peculiar and unmistakable ache between my legs. But I hadn’t actually had sex with the incubus. I’d imagine I’d be a lot more sore if I did. And Crowley would have mentioned it or been a bit grumpier, judging by the way he reacted at the mention of it. Or had he meant for this to happen? No…the pain was dull, almost unnoticeable. Another step and again it returned. Though slightly, it was present. And with it a faint memory. Lips against my neck, cheek. Against my own lips. The more I thought about it the more it became harder to recall. But it was there. _Something_ was there. Pressing of someone’s body. A suit…sulfuric smell. Fingers, hands, tender touches and rough grinding of hips. My eyes widened, legs quivering slightly.

I had begged.

I had begged Crowley…for something. And I didn’t want to know what it was…I knew but I didn’t want to. Slowly I turned to look at the grinning demon. A smug smirk on his lips, wrinkles around his eyes a bit more prominent. Mischievous light shining in hazel eyes as he stared at me with arched eyebrows. “Yes, dear?”

“You took advantage of me…” I murmured, voice low as I attempted to recall everything.

His head cocked to the side, gaze falling to the ceiling as though he was actually trying to remember. “Hmm…no…no I don’t think that’s quite it, actually. More…performed a service.” His voice was low and gravelly as he brought his eyes back to mine. His tone light and mocking, like this was a good joke

“No…you fucking took advantage of me.” I repeated through gritted teeth. Anger bubbling inside, my chest rising quicker with each breath. He had kissed me, held me down on the bed, ground his hips into mine. Pushed his fingers inside me in such a way that made me arch against him. “I was fucking drugged! And you took advantage of that!”

Crowley sat up, anger flashing in his own eyes for a moment. “I cease the opportunity, darling. And trust me when I say things could’ve gone _much_ different.” He was warning me, his voice cautioning to leave it be. But through my rising anger I couldn’t stop. Embarrassment and guilt seeping through to my bones. Guilt at having liked it, guilt at knowing that I wished it would happen again. The pity of not remembering everything fully, details blurry. I had acted like a whore. There was no gentler way of putting it. And Crowley had “ceased the opportunity”.

“You fuckin’ disgusting prick! What gives you the fuckin’ right? What gives you the goddamn fuckin’ right to do that to me? Acting like an egocentric piece of demonic fil-“ before I could finish my insult the air from my lungs left in a woosh. My body suddenly flung back against a wall. Head hitting the hard surface with a thump, a grunt of pain leaving my lips as I tried to regain my breath and blink away the blurriness.

“That’s enough, _darling_.” Crowley growled, standing in front of me. Fury flashing in his eyes, his tongue running along his teeth before he spoke again. Voice low and quiet and frighteningly threatening. “Who the bloody hell do _you_ think you are to talk to me like that? I’m not one of the damn Winchesters or your precious Bobby. I am the King of Hell and if so wish I will push your face down into the pillow and fuck you to death, do you understand? The way you were begging me last night, I could’ve done whatever the bloody fuck I wanted to you, you were pleading me to fuck you like a bloody whore.” His hand found my neck, fingers wrapping tightly around to hinder the breathing, his chin tilting up.

My heart thumped madly in my chest, so much so that it was almost painful. Actual fear ripping through me, eyes not leaving his. Like watching a cobra, waiting for it to strike. “I am _your_ King as well, Lotus, you’ll do well to remember that, do you understand? What…do you think I don’t see the way you look at me? The way your heart beats, the way your pupils dilate. That uncomfortable moisture in between your legs?” His lips stretched into a crude and mocking smirk, face growing so close to mine I could almost feel his lips against mine. His hold still tight on my neck, powers holding me against the wall. Keeping me from being able to move. Not even my fingers could twitch. I was growing to be claustrophobically panicky. And his words did nothing more than make my guilt and humiliation grow.

“You’re a pig.” I managed, regretting the words as soon as they left my mouth.

A muscle twitched in Crowley’s jaw, fingers so tight around my neck I could hardly breathe. Not enough oxygen getting to my lugs, my mind growing fuzzy. “Given the circumstances I’ll let this little even pass…but I promise you this, dear, I will rip your bloody tongue out and sow your lips shut if you show me this sort of disrespect again.”

I didn’t have a chance to respond. Had no chance to even protest before his lips were crushing down on mine. Forceful, demanding. He was rough in the kiss, teeth pulling at my lip until I was sure it would bleed. Tongue forcing into my mouth, hold tight around my neck as he pressed himself against me and kissed in such a way that made me whimper. Breathing no longer an option, eyes still open and whines of protest being swallowed by the demon. He went on until I felt a familiar burning in my body, his touch now smoldering. His teeth splitting skin. I could taste the bloody on my tongue. My blood. It only spurred him on, his other hand now on my hip, his forcing against mine in a slow upward roll that made a moan stick in my throat. And just before I thought I might black out, that the constriction of my windpipe would actually make me pass out from the lack of breathing, Crowley pulled back.

His demeanor seemingly unchanged, save for the redder lips and the very slight increase of breath. Smirk now stretching wide and proud seeing my state. Panting, staring at him. My bottom lip sore and bleeding slightly. I was quivering against the wall, gasping in air, held up by his own body pressed against mine. The powers that he had used to keep me against the wall now gone, his hand on my throat moving down to my hip. “Now…what’s going to happen is you’re going to walk into that bathroom, take a shower, change, and I will take you back to Bobby, yeah? And if you so much as think about insulting me one more time you’ll be returning with less limbs than you left with.” Crowley’s voice was chipper, light. Like he was asking if I wanted ice cream for dessert.

I despised him in that moment. Despised what he was, what he did to me. What he _could_ do to me. How he controlled me and I somehow, for whatever damned reason, didn’t protest. Not as much as I should have. My pride damned, fear and desire taking control so easy. I despised him. All that he was, all that he did.

And I loved him.

In that brief moment I knew…I loved him. Because leaning back against the wall to keep my support, my lips pursed together and breathing labored, I didn’t say a word to him. I didn’t curse him, didn’t tell him to go fuck himself with a cactus. I simply stood and glared at him. Knowing full well that if he repeated the kiss I wouldn’t push him back. That if the events of the night before started up again; I’d take it all. I was a whore for it, I hated myself and my feelings and my heart. But I couldn’t deny it. I _loved_ him. The way he’d look at me, the way he spoke, the things he made me feel. How he could touch me, kiss me. Do things to me no one ever has. I loved the way he looked, I loved the way he’d saunter when he walked, the way his chin would tilt up when he was talking about himself or how he owned hell. The dirty jokes, grim humor. The power that he possessed and how he wore it for the world to see.

My shoulders sagged, eyes moving away from his as I pushed back from the wall. “Yes, _your majesty_.” I said, voice low and malicious. Filled with a bitterness that would match Lucifer’s.

“Beautiful, next time say it with a bit more gusto. Maybe add a bow.” Crowley quipped behind me. I had to grind my teeth as I walked, fingers balled into fists. Part of me wanting nothing more than to turn around and stick Ruby’s knife so far up his ass I would be able to see the tip in his throat. “Or a curtsey, I do love those if you wear a skirt. Preferably one that shows off your legs.”

I spun on my heel, then, standing by the bathroom door on unsteady legs. “You know what the fuckin’ benefits are of having long fingers, apart from the sexual satisfaction?” I asked quickly. Crowley, in turn, only arched his eyebrows. Seemingly unfazed by my angry tone or glare. “I can _really_ emphasize this _.”_ I flipped him off the, getting nothing else than a chuckle in response.

“Well, that’s making my mind go to all the wrong places.” He retorted as I shut the door with more force than needed. The slam shaking the mirror in the bathroom.

As I did I leaned against it, my face falling. Scrunching up in an attempt not to start crying like a little bitch. I was acting like one. Besides, what the hell was the purpose of crying? Why the hell did I even want to? He finger fucked me last night, so what. I _was_ begging for it. Even if my mind wasn’t all there, and I was drugged from the incubus. I had asked him to do something a lot worse and he didn’t. “ _Stultus est sicut stultus facit_.” _Stupid is as stupid does_ , I murmured under my breath, reaching behind me to unzip my dress before walking to the shower to start the water. If I kept this up…if Crowley stuck around, kept visiting me…one day I would end up fucking him. Whether I was drunk or just tired of pushing him back or…hell, maybe he’d get tired of me pushing him back.

The only real way for me to actually prevent that would be to cut off all ties. Tell him to go fuck himself when he brought me back to Bobby and never see him again. Avoid him, forget about him. But that would never happen. I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep that up. A week, two maybe. Then he’d pop up again and I’d be there. Grinning and joking and admiring his stature and suit. I hated Crowley but more so, I hated loving him.

I took my time in the shower, washing away makeup, perfume, and sweat. Letting the warmth of the water relax my muscles and calm me enough so I wouldn’t walk out and try to stab Crowley with a toothbrush.

I sneered at the dress when I got out, kicking it to the side. Like it was its fault that I was in this mess. It wasn’t…I wasn’t insane enough to believe that. But it stood for so damn much. The job, last night, grace, Crowley…something I’ll never be. I hated it. I hated the color, the fabric, design. I hated all of it with a burning passion. Wrapping a towel around myself once I was done drying off, I walked out of the steamy bathroom. A shiver running down my spine when I got hit by a gust of cool air from the hotel room.

“I was beginning to think you’ve drowned.” Crowley drawled, sitting on the bed with a glass of scotch in his hand. His phone out as he tapped away a message or whatever it was that he was working on. Beside him were my clothes. Comfortable, worn, plaid clothes. Jeans, tank top, a cotton flannel shirt. Clothes that fit me, that were mine, smelled of Bobby’s house and cheap laundry detergent. “Almost went to check up on you.”

“Can you…please just shut the _hell_ up for once?” I asked with an exasperated sigh, pushing the clothes to the other side of the bed. “And look away.” I added quickly.

“You’re so touchy, love. Figured after-“

“For the love of God will you shut up!” I snapped loudly, looking at him with desperation. Crowley chuckled, turning his attention back to his phone. I stole the opportunity to get dressed. Dropping the towel, turning my back and quickly slipping into my clothes. I let out a breath of relief as I zipped up my pants and fixed my shirt. It was good to be back in these.

“All done?” Crowley mused, slipping his phone back into his coat pocket.

“Mh-hmm…can we leave now?” I asked, exaggerated sigh leaving my lips as I went to stand beside him. Crowley rose from the bed, fixing his appearance and smoothed down his coat.

“I suppose I should thank you for your help yesterday.” He said, sounding entirely annoyed at the idea of it.

“Don’t. I don’t want it.” My reply was honest. I didn’t want his thanks. In fact, I didn’t want anything he offered me. Too stupid and too proud for it. “Just take me back to my car, please.”

He reached out and I flinched away, though his fingers till took hold of my chin. Rather gently as he forced me to look at him. Studying me for a bit, tilting his head to the side. “You shouldn’t frown so much, love…doesn’t suit you.” Crowley’s words were said softly, thumb moving up to brush against my lip, over the split part where he had bitten too hard.

I blinked and he was gone, no chance at responding. And I stood outside my car, the weather cloudy outside the town of Sioux Falls, surprisingly cool. I still felt his touch on my lip, still smelled the sulfur and scotch. My face fell a bit at his absence. Even in hating him I liked his company. I forced myself to move, finding my keys in my pocket, unlocking the car door. Crowley remained in my mind. Even during the drive. And I tried to recall detail of last night. How it had felt, what he did, what he said. His praises…his grunts. I remembered his look, most of all. The way he had watched me. His pupils so wide they almost made his eyes seem black.

I pinched the bridge of my nose, feeling a headache creeping up on me. I’d need drinks…I’d need a lot of drinks today. And an explanation for Bobby. Thought that I could bullshit through somehow. What I _really_ needed was for Crowley to disappear from existence and take all my memories of him away. I missed things as they were. The simplicity of my little hunting life with Bobby. I wanted it back. I wanted it all back. Sam and Dean visiting, staying up during the night to look up lore, having movie nights with Bobby, cheap food and complaints about the house being messy. I didn’t want _these_ feelings. I wasn’t supposed to have them, not for Crowley. He was a demon. No matter what way I’d look at it, no matter what I’d say or do…he was a demon. And that was final. There was nothing else to say on the subject.

A while later I was pulling into Bobby’s driveway. Guilt making me sigh. I’d have to lie to him again…lie because of Crowley. But before I could think too much on it I saw the familiar black Impala parked by the house. And there was Lisa, sitting on the steps of the porch. A drink in her hand and a worried expression on her face. She looked up when I drove in, brow furrowing slightly. I don’t think she ever actually met me. I knew her, knew her from pictures and from what Dean had told me. But if she was _here_ …so was Dean.

I killed the engine of my car, leaning back in the seat. Sighing heavily, knowing full well that in all likelihood it was because Dean had learned that Sam was alive. It was bound to happen. Which also meant that he’d have to find out that Bobby and I knew. I sighed again and ran my hands over my face, guilt and frustration and stress mixing into a hammer that was pounding at my brain. Might as well have this happen. What with Crowley fingering me, nearly fucking and incubus and basically being claimed by the King of Hell, why not throw this in the mix?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See, I haven't abandoned things. Honest, I won't without letting you guys know. It's just been…so…so goddamn hectic. And now I'm living without wifi, then moving countries in nine days and if all goes right, moving countries AGAIN in a month or so. On the bright side I met Mark. For three days harassed him, made jokes, had him laugh and joke around and then slaughtered any chance at being remembered as 'those two good fans' by having the last words said to him at the con be "not covered in cocks"…but it's fine if he says "Aaand now I'm checking out your tits". Fuckin' Mark, guys…he's adorable. Compressed little shit, I love him and I'm turning in my card for a having a life. That's if I had one.
> 
> Anyways, thank you for still reading. I'll hopefully updated decisively soon. Have a ten hour plane ride coming up then a seven wait at an airport before I get on another plane so I'll try to get some writing done, then. Again, I really do apologize for the long wait. Currently I'm sitting outside of Panera Bread at 12:30 at night stealing its wifi...hehehe...can't catch me. Lots of love and kisses to you all.
> 
> And real quickly, WHAT IS WRONG WITH MARK. GUYS, I THINK HE'S HAVING A MIDLIFE CRISIS. PLEASE TELL ME HE'S HAVING A MIDLIFE CRISIS BECAUSE HIS DUCKFACE SELFIE IS NOT OKAY GORRAM MARK WHAT'S WRONG BABY, SPEAK TO ME. TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG BECAUSE I AM WORRIED.
> 
> Ahem…yeah…just needed to get that off my chest.
> 
> ~Sylleth


	19. Just The Old Has-Beens

After grabbing my phone from the glove compartment I finally stepped out, pocketing my keys and forcing a smile at the woman. She didn’t look happy…actually, she didn’t look good at all. Tired, worn. I could only imagine what she was going through, being told…actually, what _had_ Dean told her? “Hi,” I said once a few feet away, raising my hand in a short wave.

“Hello,” Lisa muttered in response, frown not easing from her forehead.

“You’re…Lisa, right?”

“Yes…do-do I know you?” she asked, and I saw her tense. Saw her eye me as though she was waiting for me to sprout another head and attack her. Dean must’ve told her, I figured. Or at least, had begun to.

“No, no. I know Dean. We’ve known each other for a while. Lotus…or Lo! Mostly people just call me Lo.” I introduced, pushing my hands in my pockets.

Lisa visibly relaxed, her shoulders sagging, frown disappearing. I wondered if she had slept at all. Or when she had gotten here, for that matter. This morning or yesterday, when I was stuck with Crowley. “I’m sorry, he’s never mentioned you. Are you Bobby’s daughter?”

I walked up the steps, taking a seat next to her and shook my head with a quiet laugh. “No, not really. I mean…sort of. My parents died when I was little and I was insistent that he raise me.” I explained quickly, tilting my head to the side. “How are you doing?”

I watched as she twisted the cup nervously in her hands, eyes cast down at the coffee. “I’m…dealing.” She finally replied, voice slightly strained. “It’s just…I didn’t really anticipate Sam showing up.”

“I know…none of us did. But if he pulled Dean back there had to be a reason.” I replied, feeling a pang of sympathy for her. And Dean, for that matter. We had hoped, all of us, that he finally found a way out. That maybe, just maybe, he’d get to live a normal life. Be happy, not have to worry about the horrors of the Hunting world. “We really did hope he left the life for good.”

Lisa nodded, lifting the cup to take a drink. Taking her time before answering. “I know…I did too.” She finally replied after some time, her expression none too hopeful.

“Is Ben here?” I asked after some time, only able imagine what it was like for her. Having thought that maybe finally she was settled, had a good man. And now, all of it ripped away like that. I could only imagine and quite frankly, I didn’t want to.

“Yeah he’s upstairs somewhere.” She nodded, taking a sup from her cup, expression still twisted in concern and worry. I felt awkward comforting people, much less someone I didn’t know all too well. But I still reached out to pat her back, even if it was probably one of the most awkward things done in life.

“I am sorry but…for what it’s worth, while you’re here, I’m yours to boss around.” I said with a joking grin, hoping to lighten things at least a bit. And Lisa smiled back, even if it was forced. But before she could reply to me the door behind us opened.

I turned in time to see a none too happy Bobby. In fact, the way he was looking at me, I suddenly felt very much like a five year old who broke a vase playing ball inside and he just found out. “Thought I heard your voice,” He said. He even sounded angry, crossing his arms over his chest. It was that angry that would show when I’d sneak off with the boys for a hunt or sneak out to go see a concert. The kind that still made me hunch over in guilt.

“Hey, Bobby…everything uh…everything alright?” I dared to ask, though even before the words left my lips I knew it was a stupid question.

“Inside…I need to talk to you.” He replied, voice hard and cold. I looked at Lisa, who only stared between us two in confusion, and smiled a bit before forcing myself up. Walking past the older hunter head down. He really did have this uncanny ability to make you feel like you were five. And with what happened with Crowley, with what I was doing, I had a damn good reason to feel guilty.

I heard the door close, though didn’t dare look back. Making my way toward the kitchen where I heard the familiar banter of Dean and Sam. But before I could even make it a foot Bobby had me by the arm, directing me into the living room. His expression hard, hold tight. Though careful enough not to hurt me. I followed without a single protest, barely managing to kick my shoes off. And when we stopped, I stood in front of him not daring actually look him in the eyes. What was I supposed to say, after all?

“So…mind telling me where you were last night?” Bobby asked, his voice nothing short of accusing.

“Shopping?” I tried, looking up at him apologetically.

“Right…shopping at the Landmark?” He asked, arms still crossed. It was times like these that I felt like Bobby was more of a father than anything to me. If I didn’t know him for as long as I did I never would’ve guessed his past with Karen.

I sighed, shoulder dropping as I rubbed the back of my neck. It wasn’t like I could say I was out with Crowley…though, maybe I should. He probably wouldn’t have believed me if I did. “I stopped there for a drink, that’s all.” I finally replied to him. “I’m twenty-four you know…it’s legal.” Though I didn’t feel twenty-four at the moment. Not by a longshot.

“Where are your bags then?” he asked sharply, letting out a heavy sigh before he pinched the bridge of his nose. His eyes closing for a moment. It was worse than having a knife in your chest when Bobby looked disappointed. “You didn’t come back, you didn’t call…boys told me they saw your car. What the hell am I supposed to think, Lotus? With the way you’ve been acting recently, it’s like you got the damn Devil on your back.”

I almost crumbled, my lips turning down, eyes pleading as I stared at him. I wished I could tell him…I wished I could tell him all about Crowley and have him lock me up and forbid me from ever talking to the demon. Maybe then my problems would go away…make things go back to the way they used to be. “I’m…I’m sorry Bobby…I am. I didn’t mean to worry you I just…lost track of time. And by the time I remembered it was already late I just…didn’t wanna wake you…in case you were asleep.”

Bobby shook his head and again I got a cold twist of guilt from his expression. “Where were you, Lotus?” he asked. A simple question…a damn simple question I couldn’t answer even if I wanted him to know. So instead I looked away, my own arms crossing over my chest. Nausea creeping up on me the longer the silence stretched. Heavy and filled with overwhelming blame. Bobby sighed, finally, turning his back. He didn’t say anything before he walked away. Didn’t make a comment.

But maybe that was worse. I was left with an unmistakable feeling of guilt wrenching at my gut, making me want to run after him. Tell him all that happened since Crowley found me alone at home, since that damned chess match. I wanted it all to go back to the way things were, wanted Crowley out of the damned picture. But even now, watching Bobby leave, I was lying to myself. I didn’t want Crowley to leave. I didn’t want him to disappear. I wanted more…more of the demon that was turning my life upside down. More of him taking me away, of his kisses. Christ…his burning kisses and touches that made me stupid. Like a damned sixteen year old girl hooked on hormones and a boy from school.

I followed him out a few minutes later, forcing myself to the kitchen where the boys were still arguing. Though upon seeing me, they silenced a bit. It was weird, to be honest, seeing Dean and Sam in the same room again. The brothers standing a few fee from each other when yesterday, as far as I knew, Dean still thought his little brother in Hell. And when I smiled at Sam, throwing him a quick hello, Dean’s face twisted down furthermore. Like I had just walked up to him and slapped him.

“You too?” he said, his tone accusing. It was a hell of a time to come back from an already fucked up night. Bobby, Dean…all that was missing was Lucifer showing up at any given moment to start throwing confetti around us and Crowley to sing “I Kissed Lotus” to Bobby.

“Dean, stop blaming people for knowing I’m back. We all made a deal, it was better off if you didn’t know.” Sam sighed, leaning back against the counters. “You had a normal life.”

“I was depressed!” Dean nearly shouted, and again the argument started. I stood for quite a while, listening to the brothers fight. Dean’s outrage for not being told, for having had it so rough. Even though we tried to reason, to explain to him that he had gotten away. That he had a life and we would’ve been no better off than demons if we ripped that away from him. It was a while before he actually settled down a bit, though not once did he smile. The frown looking permanent on his face.

As it turned out, it was Djin’s that had the brother reunite, that had the reason for Lisa and Ben being here. Attacking Dean’s town, apparently. It took a bit of convincing Lisa but Dean made plans to go with Sam, to get rid of the monsters and save a few lives. Almost like old times…except it was nothing like it. Even though we stood in the kitchen, making idle small talk and asking if anyone was hungry or wanted coffee, there was an unbelievable cloud of tension. Between me and Bobby, Sam and Dean. Hell, Dean and all the rest of us. It was like a family reunion of the worst kind where everyone betrayed everyone in some sort of way. And quite honestly, I would’ve been much happier off if I was back in that hotel room, laying beside Crowley and relishing in the small touches of his fingers across my back.

Crowley…everything was relating back to Crowley. Even when talking to Bobby or Dean or Sam. Somehow my thoughts would wander to the demon. That smell of scotch and sulfur, his cocky grin and hazel eyes. The way he managed to make everything into a dirty comment, how he’d be able to make me laugh despite the situation and at the same time basically salivate at the thought of him kissing me. Jesus Christ…his kisses were addicting. His touches. Like heroin. And the thought that I couldn’t have him made it all the sweeter. I licked my lips subconsciously, mind wandering back to the night before. Twisting my stomach into nauseous disgust and delight at the thought of what he had done. Of the way he made me writhe. It wasn’t fair…it simply wasn’t goddamn fair that he made me feel this way. And Jesus, I hated him. With every fiber of my being I hated him.

Finally able to excuse myself I slipped away upstairs, running into Ben in the process. Sharing a few awkward hellos before closing my door and breathing a sigh of relief. But it was cut short when I saw the familiar box and all too familiar demon sitting beside it on my bed. His lips tugged upward into a grin as he watched me, my back pressed against the door.

“Now’s really not a good time,” I breathed, my words hurried as I strained my ears to listen for the talking to stop downstairs. For the pad of heavy steps to lead to my door.

Crowley chuckled, standing up and smoothing out the wrinkles of his suit. Like somehow it’d be able to fall wrong on him. “So eager to get rid of me?” he mused. His voice…goddamn it even his voice twisted my stomach, made my heart beat irregular and reconsider the dangers of him being in my room.

“Yes…I am…really a bad time, please…please go.” I pleaded of him. But he didn’t stop, walking up to me until he was no more than a foot away. And it wasn’t until then that I felt unbelievably trapped between the door and the demon.

“Stop fretting, dear, I’m just here to give you my thanks…seems we left on a bit of an uh…unpleasant goodbye.” He said, his voice low and quiet. Eyes digging into mine though I wanted nothing more than to look away. Slip back out into the hall and go down to the safety of the kitchen and the arguments. His closeness was doing nothing for my already raw nerves, breathing shallow and heartbeat irregular. A condition that was almost normal in his presence, but never easy to overcome.

“You are very welcome, now leave, please.”

Again Crowley chuckled, reaching out to brush my hair back. His touch excruciatingly electrifying as his fingers touched my cheek before wrapping lightly around the back of my neck. “I do so love it when you beg me, Lotus.” He said, voice filled with twisted amusement as he leaned down, his lips ghosting over mine before pressing firmly to the corner of my mouth. “You do sound so wonderful when you beg me.” He lingered, his lips pulling back across mine before he disappeared.

What was there to worry about the incubus when I had Crowley around. When he sucked me dry of all rationality and left me panting to catch my breath, fingers shaky and skin flushed. What was there to worry at all when I wanted a goddam demon…and not because of his powers, but because I loved him. A twisted, sick, son of a bitch that barely brushed his lips over mine and left me wanting for so, so much more. Who took away all the little innocence I had and mocked me for it.

But was it really mocking? Or was that desire I had caught in him, like a few times before. The way his pupils grew to be a bit wider, the way he’d touch me. There was no denying it, he was gentle with me. He never pushed me…manipulated the hell out of me, but never pushed me. After all, if he was such a bad demon he could’ve held me down and had his way with me by now. But instead…he did this. Tortured me in the sweetest way possible. Left on such notes that despite my hatred from him, left me yarning to see him again.

I ran my fingers through my hair, walking forward to the box he had left on my bed. It was familiar, and when I opened it I wasn’t too surprised to see the red dress. Red…red was a good way to describe what I felt for him. That sick twist of passion, the need for him. It was love and hate twisted beautifully into one. A raging war that even now I knew would end in blood. End in something terrible, that would rip me apart until there was nothing left. Until even Bobby was unable to recognize me. I sighed, slumping down on the bed. The weight on my shoulders making it hard to breathe as I stared down at the dress. There was already barely anything left of me…and now…Crowley was taking away the few things that still made sense. That had meaning in my life…he was distancing them from me. And I couldn’t help but wonder how much longer it’d be until Bobby would stop caring about my lies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here's the deal guys...I've been in a rut. And that's putting in nicely. The way things hit the fan, I can hardly function properly. And am currently posting this half hammered xD But hopefully the next chapter will come within the week or two since it's really the only way I can actually relax or forget about issues. And Jesus almighty, there are a lot. Thank you for sticking around, thank you for still reading and the new readers and all the comments and kudos. I get the notifications and I can't even begin to tell you how thankful I am for those.
> 
> Honestly, I send you all love, and an unbelievable amount of kisses and hugs. You guys are unbelievable for reading this, for encouraging me, and for all the nice messages of telling me to take my time. This took a lot longer than I anticipated, a hell of a lot longer, but here you have it. And again, you guys are fantastic. Thank you so much for being patient.
> 
> xxx
> 
> ~Sylleth


	20. Love The Way It Hurts

The days that passed were long, brutal, getting me little to no sleep. The strain between me and Bobby didn’t lessen and Crowley made no contact. The fact that he still had Bobby’s soul didn’t make things easier either, making me and the hunter work late at night to try and find something to get him out. Apparently he summed Crowley at some point too, storming out of his basement furious, cursing the demon in languages I didn’t even knew existed. I felt guilty for not trying to contact Crowley. After all, twice I helped him in hunts…he owed me as much. But no, instead I was afraid…afraid to piss him off or face him after what happened in the hotel.

And it seemed that the more time passed the worse things would get. Rufus showing up with a body that later turned out to be not so dead, the boys always fighting. Calling Bobby at every which hour to complain. I did the best I could, looking for a job to help pay for things and doing all the research I could for him. But even so, the strain was there. We fought a lot more, argued. The silence between us was never comfortable. And finding things on Crowley was damn near impossible. It wasn’t until we managed to capture a crossroads demon that we finally got some information. Though, not before a bit of torture.

Fergus MacLeod. That was his name when he had been alive. And despite the fact that this was being done to keep Bobby from going to hell in 10 years, I felt like I was somehow…betraying Crowley. And yet, at the same time, betraying Bobby. Because I knew that the demon was King of Hell and instead of actually telling him…I kept it to myself. And it wasn’t until Bobby told me his plans about finding Crowley’s old bones, the blackmail of killing him if he didn’t let Bobby free from his deal, that I got worried. Because the idea of Crowley no longer existing was…nauseating. And quite frankly, I didn’t want to imagine what that was like.

And then there was our new neighbor that was sweet on Bobby. Who wasn’t sure if he should be more uncomfortable or flattered by her show of interest. Altogether; the thing was turning into a giant clusterfuck. And then, of course...we found out about Gavin. Gavin, who was apparently Crowley’s son, who hated his father more than I thought was possible. And the more he talked about his father, the more sorry I felt for Crowley. It was like he never really stood a chance. He was in Hell even when he was alive.

Finally the day came to summon him for the bargaining. Sam and Dean already in Scotland, ready with Crowley’s bones dug up. Bobby in the basement…and then there was me. Pacing nervously in the living room. I hadn’t even changed since this morning, wearing the same pajama shorts and t-shirt I had on for a near two days now. How was I supposed to go down there? To see Crowley, talk to him…admit that I was part of digging up dirt so he’d be blackmailed enough to give Bobby his soul back.

I closed my eyes, listening to the voice below. Counting to ten before finally I made my way to the basement. He’d know anyways…and Bobby might need help. I might’ve had feelings for Crowley but Bobby was a hell of a lot more important than the demon. I got down in time to see Gavin, a smirk spreading on his lips as he stared at Crowley.

“What did you tell him, son?” Crowley asked. And I could’ve sworn I saw panic in him.

“Everything.” Gavin replied with a wicked smile before flickering out. I swallowed hard, the steps creaking as I reached the bottom. Crowley’s attention snapped to me, jaw clenched and fury bright in his eyes.

“I know it all now… _Fergus_. You may be King of the dirt bags here but in life, you were nothing but a two-bit tailor who sold his soul in exchange for an extra three inches below the belt.” Bobby mocked, his words cold. But before a second could even pass Crowley was snapping back at him…though there was no humor in his voice. No usual sarcasm and a smirk to follow.

“Just trying to hit double digits.” I watched him, unable to force myself to look away. And his eyes would dart to me, filled with anger. Like I wasn’t supposed to know…like he would’ve given anything to tear that information from my mind. “So…you got a glimpse behind the curtain, and?” he asked bitterly.

“And…now I know where you’re planted.” Bobby replied easily, picking up the phone to toss to Crowley. Who looked confused for a moment before bringing it to his ear.

Again his expression turned sour, and I saw the nervousness in his features. “Dean…it’s been a long time. We should get together…back?” I glanced at Bobby who had a smug smile on his lips. Glancing at me, giving a happy wink. _We got him_. And instead I felt like I was guilty of treason. “A kilt. I had very athletic calves. What’s the game?” Crowley’s eyes widened a little as he pulled the phone away, staring at Bobby. “This is ridiculous. The whole burning bones thing it’s-it’s a myth.” He said quickly, his words rushed worry hidden poorly in his voice.

“I know an employee of yours who would disagree.” Bobby retorted calmly.

“That’s where she got to.” Crowley murmured to himself, looking at me again. Like he wanted me to help him. But how was I supposed to?

“You demons…you think you’re something special. But you’re just spirits. Twisted, perverted, evil spirits. But end of the day…you’re nothing but ghosts with an ego.” I watched as Crowley set his jaw, muscles twitching in his neck. A look of hatred in his eyes…worse even, than what was at the hotel. He looked like we had just torn him open and studied his insides without the least bit of concern for privacy. “We torch your bones, you go up in flames.” I felt my heart beat quicken, heard Dean’s faint voice on the other end of the phone. _Please_ , I thought, _please let his soul go…don’t make me watch you burn_. “Your bones for my soul. Going once…going twice…”

Crowley’s eyes landed on me. I knew, in that split moment, I knew I’d have hell to pay. Even if he didn’t do anything…he looked betrayed. And that alone tore at my insides more painfully than any knife I could’ve imagined being able to do. In that moment I wondered if that’s how Jack the Ripper’s victims felt. He tossed the phone to the ground, a sneer on his lips as he turned his head away. “Bollocks.” It was only then that I breathed out a sigh of quiet relief. At least…at the very least he wasn’t going to die.

He raised his hand, palm up, and I watched as the exposed parts of Bobby’s skin were suddenly lined with crimson writing. Symbols and markings that could only mean the rules for his contract. And as Crowley turned his hand over, the marks began to erase themselves off his skin. “You can go ahead and leave in the part about my legs.” Bobby added. Crowley rolled his eyes, never once looking at Bobby as he cut the contract. And once it was done Bobby smirked, his eyes nearly shining in mockery. “Pleasure doing business with you.”

Crowley turned back to him, lips twitching into a disgusted grimace, like he was tasting something positively foul on his tongue. “Now if you don’t mind…” he growled, glancing up to the devil’s trap above his head.

Bobby was quick to climb up the small ladder to get to the ceiling, scratching a line through the red symbol. No sooner had he done it did Crowley disappear, though not without a final glance thrown in my direction. I swallowed hard, stomach twisting madly as I looked down at my hands.

“Well…that’s that, then. Out-smarted the King of rotten. I call it a good day.” Bobby chuckled. I forced a smile, walking up to the hunter.

“I’m glad…would’ve had to break into hell to bust you out, otherwise.” I told him, wrapping my arms around him in a tight hug. “I’m glad it worked.”

For the first time in a while Bobby actually hugged me back, a low chuckle rumbling from his chest. “Me too, girl…half expected him to snap my neck, to be honest.” He said pulling back. Even his smile was care-free. Or at least a hell of a lot more so than it has been in the last few weeks.

“Well of course you pulled it off…you’re Bobby Singer.” I said, pulling on his hat a bit, causing him to laugh quietly. “Now come on, I’ll help you clean up.”

I was quick, going about the chore. My mind elsewhere entirely. Wondering how Crowley was, wondering how bad things had gotten. And what sort of things I’d be hearing from him when I’d see him next. So when Bobby called the boys to thank them, I was quick to slip outside. Unable to bare another second inside, the walls feeling like they were crushing me. Bobby and Crowley…I should’ve picked Bobby. The man was like my father, he raised me, he loved and cared for me like his own. And Crowley was nothing more than a manipulative, condescending, egotistical bastard who did nothing but mess with every little strand of sanity I had. I breathed in sharply, the air cool by this hour of the day, starting my usual rout that lead through the junkyard. I had to do something, had to decide. Because all that I kept from Bobby, not asking Crowley when I had helped him with two jobs…I was actually risking damning Bobby’s soul.

When I had reached the further point of the junkyard I nearly ran into Crowley. Literally. I blinked and he was there in front of me, the same burning hatred in his eyes, his lips pursed together and jaw clenched. I froze, part of me wanting to turn back quickly and run. Run as far as I could. But instead I let out a quiet sigh, opening my mouth to say something but finding that no words came to mind.

“So?” Crowley snapped, his voice short and harsh. I stared at him, leaning back on the hood of a nearby car. The wind that blew around causing me to shiver again. I should’ve dressed better, should’ve at least put on long pants. But how was I to know I’d be talking to him out here?

“So what?” I asked quietly. I didn’t feel the usual twist of my stomach, the way he’d take me stutter or lose my train of thought. In fact, at the moment…I felt pity. Pity directed toward Crowley. Torture in hell was one thing…but life? His own son hating him…that was entirely different. Hell on earth, hell after death.

“Glad you heard all that? King of bloody Hell…two-bit tailor…where are the comments?” he asked shortly, his tone bitter. He looked upset at Bobby but when he saw me there…when he saw that I knew…it was an entirely different story. Like somehow that shattered my views on him…like I’d look at him different. Laugh…was he afraid I’d laugh at him?

Instead I looked down, licking my lips nervously, another shiver running through me. “I have none, Crowley. I…wasn’t there to hurt you.” I finally managed to say, words quiet thought clear and steady.

Crowley took a harsh step forward, his fingers suddenly around my throat, forcing my face up to look at him. I opened my mouth, no words leaving my lips as my eyes widened when his fingers tightened. “Don’t fuckin’ lie to me.” He snarled, his eyes flaring with anger, hysteria almost. I was scared… I was actually scared. More than I was when he held me up against a wall in the hotel, more than when I was stuck in my nightmares. My hands flew to his, tugging slightly for him to loosen his hold.

“I’m not, Crowley…I swear I’m not.” I reasoned, my words honest. I had done some shady things in life, but kick him while he was down? That was lower than the degrading things done in Hell. “I’m sorry.”

The phrase was like a slap across his face. I watched as Crowley’s face twisted from emotion to emotion. His hold tightening and loosening before he let go fully. Staring down at me like he wasn’t quite sure what to do, what to make of me.

And then he was kissing me. Rough, possessive, demanding. He gripped at the back of my neck and pressed himself between my legs, his other arm winding harshly around my waist tugging me to him. It wasn’t passionate…it was angry. Like I had done something wrong and he wanted to prove a point. And for a moment, I actually tried to push him back. Protests leaving in muffled whines against his lips as he pushed my lips apart with his tongue. In return Crowley growled, his teeth coming down hard on my bottom lip until I cried out. But he was quick to swallow the noise, his grip tightening impossibly on my hip.

“You’re a bloody cur, Lotus.” He snarled, pulling back, his eyes flaring with rage I didn’t know existed, lips a darker shade of red. He pushed my legs further apart, despite my protest, despite my attempt to push away. Pull back as much as I could because he was actually scaring me. But his hold was tight, bruising my skin, making me gasp out in pain as he pulled me back to him. His hips pushing harshly against mine. “A bloody fuckin whore who can’t keep her knickers from soaking through every time I’m in the bloody room.”

Even his accent…it as heavy. His voice low and rough. It was like he was trying to insult me, bring me down, show somehow that I was no better than him. That in fact, what he had done in his life was above me. I couldn’t even answer, couldn’t tell him to fuck off. Frozen like a deer caught in headlights. He leaned down, again, pushing me a bit more against the car, his tongue pressing against mine. Dominating me in any way he could. And I did feel nauseous. I felt sick, dirty. This wasn’t what I wanted…this wasn’t how I wanted things to go. How I wanted him to kiss me…it was nothing like this. Because it hurt now. Physically, mentally…emotionally even. He was hurting me in every way he knew how.

And still…still I didn’t protest. Not really. My fingers wound tightly in his jacket, I didn’t push him back. Or tried to scream…Bobby would hear if I screamed. I knew that. And instead I let him kiss me, let him be angry. Let him bruise my leg and hip and side with his hold, his other hand still latched firmly to the back of my neck in case I pulled back. It wasn’t until his hands slipped beneath the band of my pajama shorts that part of me started to panic. Stepping back long enough to pull it off and toss it to the ground before he was pressed against me again. His lips moving down, teeth harsh against the skin of my neck.

“Crowley…don’t…please don’t…” I tried to plead. Not like this, I thought…I never wanted it to be like this. I wanted to do a lot of things with the demon, a lot of things that would make me blush even when I was alone…but never like this. “Please.” But all I got in return was a sharp bite to my shoulder, fingers on my thigh tightening like a warning.

“Shut up,” he growled, his hand leaving my neck. I heard the clasp of his belt undone, heard the belt leave the loop. The zipper pulled down. It was then that I grabbed his face between my hands, pulling him to look at me.

“Please…please Crowley don’t...”

The look in his eyes surprised me. That rage evaporating in an instant, eyebrows pulled together. His breathing was heavy, his heart beating wild. I could feel it, the vein in his neck that pressed against my finger, I could feel his heart beat wild. He was pleading…he looked sickeningly pleading. His forehead pressing against mine and I could’ve sworn I felt him shiver. “Please…shut up.”

This was a good time for me to push him back. This was a good time…he paused, he actually broke a bit. This was the time for me to push him away and walk back to the house. And instead my legs slipped beneath his coat around his waist. Hands slipping behind him, digging my fingers into his neck and shoulder blades. I felt so goddamn nauseatingly disgusted at myself…because even now. Even when he was a step short from outright raping me, I was giving him permission.

“I’m sorry.” I replied. He kissed me in return and though it was rough, it was softer. More careful, like his single thought wasn’t on how to hurt me.

I felt him shift, felt the warmth of his member pressing against me. I should’ve pushed him back…let me push him back. But of course, how could I? And when he finally pushed his hips forward, my fingers dug into his back. Legs tightened from the pain and lips parted in a quiet scream he swallowed easily with kisses. It hurt…it hurt a hell of a lot more than I could’ve thought. Crowley was well endowed to begin with, and I was still a virgin. And he hadn’t been gentle, with anything. Even if he was slower, it still hurt. It hurt and I didn’t tell him to stop. Despite the pain I felt his hand on my hip, pushing my shirt up to warm the skin below. The soft squeeze of his fingers, like trying to soothe me.

He was slow, rocking his hips, but the pain was persistent. Sharp, driving away any chance of me actually feeling pleasure. Assuming that I would be able to after the…the argument…or whatever it was. He pulled back from the kiss, his teeth sinking into my shoulder. The bite sharp, making me gasp, legs squeezing a bit tighter. And in response Crowley grunted, a low groan vibrating against my skin as he pushed in again. My fingers groped at his coat, mouth pressed against his neck. I stared at the junkyard, stared at Bobby’s house in the distance.

How had things gotten this far out of hand? To get… _fucked_ , by the King of Hell in a car junkyard. Pushed against a broken down car, trying to ignore the pain while he grunted and groaned against your shoulder and ear. I squeezed my eyes shut, pressing my face into his neck. But this was Crowley…I’d never say no to him. Crowley who brought me pain of every kind…and an unbelievable sense of euphoria. I whined into his coat, fingers scraping at his clothed back as he ground his hips against mine. His pace slowly finding a rhythm. It hurt…it did hurt, but it was melting. Turning into a twisted cocktail of pain and pleasure, making me cling to him like he was the very air I breathed.

His hand wound in my hair, tugging harshly at the roots as the other gripped my leg. I knew he’d leave bruises…I felt the dull pain of his fingers pressing into my skin. And I could’ve sworn he murmured my name, a soft sigh against my ear as he pushed in, pulling me closer to him. It was a tearing sweet pain, like a reminder of all the bad that he was. That he was a demon for me to loathe. Then how was it that I was finding pleasure in it? That I wrapped my arms around him and breathed in the sticky scent of sex. Relished in all the places his lips touched, the way he tugged at my hair and took his time growing quicker with his thrusts.

Painful…and euphoric. That’s how it felt being with him. And I knew I wouldn’t give it away for the world. My breathing picked up, whines turning into quiet moans as my body relaxed a bit, back curving against him. Wanting to be closer, closer than I already was if that were even possible. I think Crowley felt the shift, the way I molded against him. His hold loosening a little on me as he brought me closer. I could feel his panting, hear it against my ear. The sweet sound of his approval that spurred me on like some bad addict. He pressed his lips to my shoulder, the spot that he bit stinging.

“Bloody…bloody hell, Lotus…” he murmured, the sound like a goddamn symphony to my ears. In return, my moan bled into the syllables of his name. Drawn out and long, earning a sharper thrust and a groan in return. I couldn’t stop, couldn’t keep from rolling my hips against his. The sweetest, most euphoric pain I could’ve ever felt. It was ecstasy…it felt like it was tearing me apart and driving me mad with a need for more. Like Crowley was always able to do.

And the heat was fast to build up, pooling in the pit of my stomach, making me cling harder. Movements jerky, needy. And it looked like Crowley was happy to oblige, moaning quietly as his pace quickened. My hands groping at his coat, legs twisted around his waist. There was nothing beautiful about this…nothing romantic. It was painful, angry, done in the back of an old junkyard. And maybe it was better this way. Because really, imagining Crowley being gentle, laying me down on a bed of roses for a screw was about as likely as Bobby encouraging my feelings for the demon.

“Crowley…don’t…don’t stop. _Deus, Crowley_ …” It was unbelievable, the pain doing nothing more than intensifying every little feeling. Nerves raw, lighting on fire with every movement, with every touch. I said his name again and again, like some praise, a broken record in my mind. _Crowley, Crowley, Crowley_. That’s all that made sense to me anymore.

Crowley’s grunts turned into groans, growing louder in volume. And in turn I made some sort of a noise with each of his thrusts, sound drowned out by the beat of my heart in my ears. “That’s…that’s it…good girl…bloody…good.” He praised, and those were the sweetest words I had ever heard. He pulled back, suddenly, forcing me to look at him. His skin was covered in a thin sheen of sweat, eyes clouded and dark as he continued to move. Pushing his forehead against mine before pulling my lip between his teeth. Tugging none too gently.

It was his kiss that seemed to tip me over the edge. The way he was moving, how he held my hips against his, bit my lip and pulled my hair and rocked into me so deep I could’ve sworn I saw stars. It felt to be too much to bare. And for a moment, I thought I’d combust. Burn up from the overwhelming sensations, my breathing ragged and heart beating impossibly fast. I came with a cry against his lips, back arching against him, fingers twisting madly in his coat. Hips and body moving on its own accord. And in the midst of it I heard Crowley’s quiet curse, felt the way he rocked into me. The smooth rhythm gone, his thrusts sending me to a new plane of existence, making my muscles twitch and clench around him.

I held Crowley for as long as I could, head falling to press into his neck. Breathing in the smell of sulfur and scotch and sweat. The taste salty when my lips brushed against his skin, body and muscles still trembling. I could hardly breathe, couldn’t function. Not really. Couldn’t even think. But it wasn’t long before the feeling of regret settled in me, that familiar nausea of what I had done. Crowley was still pushed inside me, his demeanor not better off than mine. Slowly I felt his fingers relax from my leg, hand leaving my hair to trail down my neck and back.

“Good…good bloody show, darling…bloody brilliant.” He murmured against my ear, lips brushing against my temple. I didn’t respond, didn’t want to. Fingers and legs loosening their hold around him, eyes opening to look out at the junkyard again. Maybe he was right…maybe I was a whore. The silence stretched, heavy and uncomfortable before he took hold of my hips. Pulling out slowly with a quiet groan. I let out another whine of pain, legs quivering as they touched the cool ground.

“Can you take me back to my room?” I asked. My voice raw, quiet. Eyes still not daring to meet Crowley’s.

He didn’t say anything, didn’t even try to mock me. And if nothing else, I was grateful for that. Lifting me slightly, he set me down again. Though instead of getting the hood of the car I was set down on the soft mattress of my bed. My shorts back on, skin no longer covered in sweat. He took the liberty of getting rid of the mess…except that I didn’t feel clean.

I watched as Crowley stooped down in front of me, his head bent as he pressed his lips to my leg. Trailing over the dark marks that were turning into finger-shaped bruises on my thighs. I wondered how many of those he left behind. He kissed over them, up to the shorts, my hips, stomach, lips trailing lightly over the fabric of my shirt before he reached my neck and finally; lips. I didn’t want this gentleness. I didn’t want him to be nice, to try and make up for it. All this did was make me feel a hell of a lot more nauseous. Stomach twisting madly as I stared at him, waiting for him to talk.

Crowley never did. He pressed a kiss to the corner of my mouth, like he always did, and disappeared without a word. Leaving me quivering, wanting to scream and kick and shout and cry. Not because of what had just happened; but because I wasn’t angry at him for it. Because even though I was standing to go take a shower, my body aching and the pain between the apex of my legs making it hard to walk, I knew I’d be anticipating his next visit soon enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...yup...they did the do. Better not be getting glares, I warned you this wasn't going to be sweet...even though I have plans for sweet and a lot smuttier things. THERE'S LOTS OF STRAIN FOR THEM AT THE MOMENT, OKAY?
> 
> Anyways, stayed up most of the night writing because I desperately needed a distraction xD Thank you for the nice comments you guys left behind. I do appreciate them all.
> 
> xxx  
> ~Sylleth


	21. This Is Not How You Make Love

I felt as though I might have been in the worst possible Hell. The pain, the second day, was worse. Not unbearable, but I was sore. Bruises covering my leg where Crowley had gripped me, neck covered in small marks, the bite on my shoulder stinging every time my shirt moved or I showered. And the guilt…the damn disgust at myself, it was worse. The pain a constant reminder of what happened, every time I moved, every time I walked. And Bobby…he was happy. He was actually happy because he had gotten out of the deal, outsmarted Crowley, knew how to kill demons. It was damn near impossible to actually play along with it. Smile and laugh and agree to go out for dinner and celebration.

But I did manage. I pretended to smile and laugh and covered any mark Crowley had left with clothes and makeup. I managed damn well because Bobby was becoming more relaxed too. He didn’t even ask how I was doing as often as he used to. And in a few weeks I managed to send him off. He had a hunt and a friend to visit for a few days and I was in desperate need to get hammered those days. Maybe kill enough brain-cells to make me forget what happened in the junkyard. Crowley never once having contacted me since then. Or maybe I was trying to avoid him? “Accidently” losing my phone, keeping myself around Bobby more often than not. I was coward…and a damn pathetic one at that.

With Bobby gone, I nearly emptied the liquor store for the coming weekend. Renting movies, buying junk-food. That’s what I needed, right? To just…stop thinking for a while and watch a few movies and forget. Except that when I did finally drink myself into oblivion, I didn’t fall on the sofa and watch television until I passed out. Because like a parasite, Crowley had invaded my mind. Making me think of the way he had felt, the way he made me hurt and the way he had me see stars and I found myself craving him. Craving Crowley like a heroin addict.

Half stumbling through the house I found Bobby’s bowl, dropping ingredients in, doing my best to find them all and not screw up the summoning ritual I had to look at more than once. My mind was gone and if rationality did try to speak, I’d quiet it with another swing of whiskey. I cut my hand, poured the blood and hunted for a lighter. Nearly stumbling to grab it from the fireplace, burning my thumb a bit as I lit it and dropped it into the bowl, watching how the flames burst to life. That odd smell filling the air for a moment before dispersing. Before it had even died down I turned to look at the room.

My mind was gone; the second he appeared it was gone. I stared at him, a scowl on my face, eyes narrowed. And for once, Crowley wasn’t smirking. Just looked at me, frowning slightly. Before he could get a word out I had walked up to him. Hand gripping his tie, yanking hard to bring him down enough so I’d be able to kiss him. Forceful and needy and demanding, tongue pushing against his lips. Crowley grunted, hands on my arms. It took a second but he finally pushed me back, his breathing heavy and staring at me like I had just sprouted another head.

“Are you bloody wasted?” he barked, his voice rough, loud in my ears. Nearly making me flinch.

“Yeah, now shut up.” Again I grabbed his tie, pulling hard and quick. And again Crowley staggered forward, his lips landing on mine. Addicting…he was so fuckin addicting. His taste, the way he felt. That smell of scotch and sulfur when he was this close to me. It filled my lungs and sent my mind to soaring heights, a low groan leaving the back of my throat, hips grinding forward. And again, Crowley pulled back, staring down at me with rage and unmistakable lust.

“This isn’t something you—“

“ _Conclude et futue me_.” I murmured, the command almost hinging on a plead, laced with unmistakable annoyance. _Shut up and fuck me_.

Crowley stared, his eyes flicking around my face like he was searching for something and again I pressed myself closer to him, ground my hips into his. Needed him…I needed him and I craved him and the pain and the guilt he made me feel. I think eventually he saw that in me because he gripped me hard by the hips, shoving me back forcefully against a wall. His lips hard and rough…making an almost instantaneous moan rise from my throat as my back arched against him.

The roughness…that’s what I needed. I didn’t want him to be gentle or sweet or pause and ask if I was okay. I wanted nothing more than hatred and lust and make things as they were supposed to be. Just a fuck…not some sick need to comfort him. Again I pushed against him, hands gripping at his suit, keeping him close to me, doing what I could to keep him from talking. I didn’t want him to talk or try and rationalize this or ask if I was mental. I just...needed him.

“Lotus,” Crowley growled, the voice actually sending a jolt of fear from me as he forced me back again, his eyes dark and pupils blow wide. Making a sick grin spread on my lips, hips grinding forward to feel him through the clothing. I saw how he shuddered at the sensation, how his jaw flexed with an attempt to keep in control.

“Just…just don’t fuckin question it…I want this, alright?”

“You’re drunk.” He tried to reason, again I pushed my hips against his and saw how his lips parted slightly, fingers tightening their hold on me.

“So? You were pissed last time…I call it even.” I shrugged, a wanton groan leaving my lips when I felt his slacks tighten. “For the love of fucking Lucifer, Crowley…don’t turn into a fuckin’ saint now of all times.”

Crowley dipped his head down, his teeth sharp on my neck to leave a mark, working quickly with his tongue and lips to make me moan in satisfaction. “Bloody fucking tease is what you are, Lotus.” He growled against my neck, slowly working his way to my lips. I craned my neck, wanting that taste of scotch and sulfur on my tongue. Craving it to the point where it almost hurt.

“I’m not teasing, Crowley…I’m wanting.” I murmured, honesty in my voice as I did my best to focus on him. To look him in the eyes. This was the sort of closure I needed. Just a fuck…to make things nothing more than just a mindless fuck.

“Bloody nymph.” He finally growled, though his lips had stretched into an all too familiar smirk. And his lips were on mine, rough and greedy and demanding. Making my back arch from the wall against him and fingers wind in his suit, pushing him slightly to walk. I almost thanked god for Crowley accepting the proposal and not calling me a dimwit before vanishing. I wasted no time, working the large buttons of his suit-jacket, tossing the useless clothing somewhere on the floor. And in turn Crowley’s hands had slipped under my shirt, a momentary break in the kiss as he pulled it off. Leaving my skin with the sensation of burning from where he had touched.

What was I doing…god, what was I doing? Wasn’t once enough? The aftermath, the guilt that made it hard for me to function right. And yet, here I was again. Not wanting to stop, groping at any bit of him I could reach, his suit his skin, his hair. My breathing shallow, skin on fire from desperation. And I felt him stumble a few times, kissing back quick and fervent, gripping my thighs and back as he walked. Another moan ripped from my mouth, muffled by his lips, fingers tugging at his shirt. “Fuckin…teleport you fuckin’ bastard…” I managed to choke out, voice thick with desire and anger.

He grunted in response and I felt the shift of air, his lips still pressing to my neck and chest. Sharp nips that would send bursts of pain, soothed quickly by his slick tongue. Another moan drawn my lips. I tilted my head up, back, eyes open to stare blankly at the ceiling. Hart beating so quickly I was sure it would beat right through my chest. My fingers pushed at his shirt with desperation, wanting to feel his skin, feel every twitch of his muscle, the warmth he radiated. “Take it off…please take it off.” I pleaded in a desperate tone, the haze of alcohol and desire making my mind spin madly.

A low growl rumbled from his chest, vibrating against mine as he moved forward, lowering me to the bed, kneeling on the mattress. “All you had to do was ask.” He growled, his voice impossibly low, accent thicker than I had ever heard it be. He bit down on my shoulder, drawing a wanton moan from my lips before he pulled back. I watched his fingers work the buttons, quickly pulling the shirt off his torso, tossing it carelessly to the side. My eyes wandered greedily, lingering on the scars and tattoos that his vessel had.

Before I could reach out he dipped his head down, lips like liquid fire against my skin. Following my collarbone to the dip in my throat. Quick and hot kisses running down between my breasts. Making me twitch and arch and twist my fingers into the sheets, breathing ragged, burning my lungs. I felt his tongue, dragging down my stomach, around my navel. Again a quiet moan left my lips, shoulders pushing back into the mattress as I arched toward him. Pushing my hips against his and the feeling of his hardness made my toes curl, breathing shallow and hitching in my throat. In return Crowley moaned, the sound vibrating against my stomach, making my hands fly to his shoulders. Fingers greedily groping at newly exposed skin.

“Bloody fuck Lotus…I’ll fuck you so bloody hard you’ll scream like a whore.” Crowley growled against my stomach, his tongue pressing into my stomach as he dragged it up, back to my lips. Hungry and forceful, mixing pain and pleasure and roughness into a single cocktail of bliss. Causing a violent shiver run down my body, as I ground shamelessly against him.

“Always…making promises.” I managed to groan when he moved from my mouth, lips moving to my breast, working his lips and tongue and teeth against the flesh. Making me writhe beneath him, hands trailing quickly down his back, his sides, chest, stomach. Down to his trousers. He groaned against me, the sound low and vibrating when my hands brushed against the tightness in his slacks.

“Promises…barley started and you’re moaning like a bloody whore.” He growled with a dark chuckle as I worked to get his belt undone. The task suddenly impossible, fingers fumbling to get the damned thing loose. “You’re going to have to work at undoing a man’s pants.” He grunted in annoyance, pulling back and pushing my hands out of the way. He was quicker, much quicker. I watched him, watched as he let out a quiet groan when he removed his pants, kicking them off to the side. Not wasting a second he dragged his hands down my torso to my jeans, undoing the zipper and button before sliding both panties and jeans off. Calloused fingers dragging down the length of my legs before he discarded the clothing. Smirking, his eyes dark, tongue darting out to lick his lips, palms running up my legs to push them apart, sliding forward, pinning me to the mattress as he dipped his head down to kiss his way up. “Bloody wonderful.” He murmured against my neck.

I quivered under his touches, every breath burning my lungs, never enough. His sucked on a spot below my jaw and I felt his hand slide down my stomach to the apex of my legs. A quiet, drawn out whine leaving my lips when he pushed his finger inside. Legs quivering, hips rising against his hand. I felt the slight shiver he gave off, pushing his finger in harder before drawing it out. Sitting back as he drew the finger between his lips, eyes closing. I thought my mind was going to go at the sight. Breath caught somewhere far down in my throat. Crowley let out a quiet growl, pulling his finger out and leaned over me, pressing his chest hard to mine and sealed his lips over my neck again. I felt him ground against my hips, his length against my warmth. My legs were shaking as they pressed against his sides, mind so far gone he could’ve asked for my soul and I would’ve given it to him. “ _Deus_ ,” I managed to groan, fingers pushing into his back. Wishing the feeling would never end. That after all this, I’d just cease existing. Because I was pretty damn sure this was about as good as I’d ever feel.

My entire body was begging for him, no words needed. Arching toward him, quivering, writhing under every touch he made. He was making my nerves hyper-sensitive. Alcohol doing nothing to dull the feelings, skin feeling as though it was submerged under dry-hot sand. “You want me, Lotus?” Crowley growled against my skin, tongue dragging across my neck as he looked at me. Fingers curling around my hips. “Look at me…lift your hips a bit more, love…that’s a fuckin good girl.” He praised, lips curled up in a sinister smirk. His eyes so dark I was sure they were nothing more than the color black and when he ground me against his member I let out another wanton moan. Desperation pouring from my every pore, wordlessly begging to stop the torture.

“Stop…stop fuckin’ teasing Crowley, please,” I pleaded when he didn’t move further. Fingers desperately clawing at his back, running through his damp hair, trying to bring him closer. My pride gone…it was like I never even had it. Like I was nothing more than his starved whore. It was degrading…and I drank it up like it was some sort of nectar. My fingers traced his temples, his jaw, his neck, shoulders, arms. Hips lifting just as he had told me to do, his hands pushing my legs apart a bit more.

“That’s right, love…keep begging me.” He growled, his eyes never once wandering from mine. I felt how he adjusted himself, his fingers digging hard into my hips. “Keep saying my name, like that…bloody good girl,” he praised and Jesus, his words were like a life source. He pushed forward then, sliding in slowly, making my head push back into the mattress as my body curved and arched. A quiet scream leaving my lips. Crowley didn’t stop, not till I felt his hips pressed against mine. He bent over me, lips pushing against mine to swallow my moans. “Fuckin’ hell, Lotus…fuckin…hell…you’re so bloody good for me...” he was buried inside me and all I could do was grip at his back, pain tearing again. But the pleasure more-so.

The way he groaned, how he said my name…it was addicting. The worst sort of drug. It could’ve hurt more than was bearable and I wouldn’t have told him to stop if only to hear him say my name again. “Fu…fucking hell, Crowley…don’t…don’t fuckin stop…” I managed, words nothing more than breaths against his ear followed by drawn out whines. It hurt…and I wanted that. I wanted it to hurt. I wanted him to use me in the worst way possible just so this would be as it should. Because this was how it should’ve always been.

For what felt like an eternity Crowley didn’t move, pressed in me, his grip impossible on my hips. Feeling as though he was going to shatter the bone at any moment. I felt his chuckle, vibrating against my neck as he pulled back. Fingers of his hand twisting harshly in my hair to bring me up a little. “That’s bloody right Lotus…say my name like that…lift up your hips some more…oh bloody hell.” I felt him draw out, a quiet groan escaping his lips before he pulled me up for a kiss. Swallowing another cry as he pushed in, the same excruciating slowness, making me writhe against him in agonizing ecstasy.

Curses and praises rolled of my tongue alike, Latin and English and other select languages. But above all; his name. I said his name like it was a prayer, like it was the only thing that mattered or made any sort of sense. Murmured and moaned against his lips. I felt him smirk. Knew the way I was acting was nothing short of amusing to him. But did I care? No, course I didn’t. Even if I might not have been utterly drunk, I somehow doubted I would’ve acted much different. He was making my mind spiral with desperation and passion, tearing me from the inside out. “That’s it Lotus…fucking…good…good bloody girl…feel so bloody good around me.” I felt him quiver under my hands, his muscles flexing as he found a slow, rhythmic pace. Groans drawing deep from his chest, his lips swallowing my moans and whines, fingers digging hard into my legs, keeping my hips pressed against his.

Once the pain was beginning to fade I let out a frustrated cry, digging my nails as hard as I could into his back. Feeling a rivulet of sweat run down his spine. The pain was fading…and I need it. I need that pain like an addict needed his heroin. “Crowley,” I growled, eyes opening to look at him. Head pushed back, chest heaving with the struggle to breathe. “Fuckin…stop…stop holding back…and fuck me.” The words came through my teeth, hungry with desire, and lust, and anger, and everything in between. Hips bucking forcefully against his, making me gasp with the sharp jolt of pain and pleasure.

For a second I thought he was going to pull away fully, surprise in his eyes. But it faded quickly when I had pushed my hips against his, a wicked, sinister smile spreading on his lips as he grabbed my hips and quickly pushed into me. “You want me to fuck you, Lotus, is that what you want?” He chuckled, sound low, words almost slurred together. Again he thrust forward, hard and fast, another cry tearing from my lips. “And people say I’m filthy.” He grabbed my lip between his teeth, the pain sharp, and a second later I tasted blood in my mouth. But it was only a momentary sensation before he begun slamming into me at a gradually growing pace, his hips moving smoothly, flaring pain in me again and again. Pushing my mind to the brink of insanity with the ecstasy he could make me feel.

Despite my own moans I heard him grunt, sounds growing in frequency, felt how his hand groped and dug into my thigh and hips for leverage. He pulled my leg around his waist for a better angel, one that made me see stars. It was hell. It was absolute, wonderful, hell. The pain, the pleasure, the heat…it was all so wonderfully unbearable. It drove away my thoughts, my rationality. The guilt and everything that had made me feel nauseous last time. I cried out his name against his lips, back arching more, if that was even possible at this point, and rocked my hips against his in time to meet his thrusts. Intensifying the feeling agonizingly more, setting already raw nerves on fire with what felt like never-ending shocks.

“Good…good fuckin’ girl, Lotus, just…just like that. Fucking good girl.” His hips moved harder and faster with each thrust, the unflattering sound of flesh slapping against flesh filling the room. But I didn’t hear it, not really. All I heard was my own heart, his praises, his grunts. Every one of his moans he let slip through sounding like a goddamn symphony in my ears. My nails drug down his back with each thrust and when I slunk forward, the angel allowing him to bury down even deeper, I felt his cry against my neck. The sound alone making me moan, his hips rocking into me roughly, sloppily now. And when I pressed my lips to his shoulder I tasted the saltiness of sweat and sex and everything that he was.

Even his name wasn’t making sense anymore. My body moving on its own accord, no actual rhythm, no control. Just a need to bring me closer to release. I couldn’t get a word out, not a syllable. But the pressure was building, fast and hard. And my head pushed back into the mattress, a cry tearing from my lips as I came. My hips shoving roughly against his, needily, muscles twitching and clenching around him and leg tightening impossibly around his waist.

It seemed that my own orgasm drove Crowley into his, his hips rolling against mine, making the maddening pleasure I felt course through me again and again in white-hot waves. I felt his hips rocked into mine, bucking wildly, nothing but groans and exclamations and shuddery breaths murmured against my skin. My body felt wracked in pleasure, consuming my mind making me cling to him and welcome his maddening thrusts. My lips parted in the throats of ecstasy that pushed through me with a vicious force. It was a while…a long while before I managed to think of anything other than Crowley’s name.

He had stopped thrusting my now, crouched over me and quivering and still buried to the hilt inside me. I sucked in breath to keep conscious, eyes opening to stare blankly at the ceiling, slowly finding Crowley’s face. A hint of a smirk on his lips, his face covered in a sheen of sweat, hair sticking to his forehead. He leaned down, pressing his lips to my throat, sucking the skin beneath my jaw into his mouth before running his tongue over it to sooth the spot. “You’re bloody wonderful,” he chuckled, sound dark and low, his voice raspier than before.

It was painful to breathe, painful to move. Painful to think, even, my head still swimming. And for once…I couldn’t have cared less what was happening around me. Couldn’t find the regret to settle in or the guilt. It was something like a numbness settling in me, fingers slowly easing from his back to run down along his sides, resting just above his hips. Part of me not wanting him to pull out. I didn’t say a word in return, leg slowly unwinding from his waist, limbs still shaky.

Catching my eye Crowley smirked, eyes seemingly foggy, and he hummed out a groan when I pushed my fingers through his damp hair. Pressing into his scalp, making his eyes flutter close…I could’ve even sworn he pushed back against my hand a little. “Bloody wonder…” he murmured, words slightly slurry and soft. He dipped his head down again, pressing a kiss to the hollow of my throat as he pulled out, his groan vibrating against my skin. Fingers easing from my hips as he slowly lowered me down and collapsed next to me with a quiet grunt. He heaved a sigh, one arm slipping behind his head as he adjusted comfortably on the bed, eyes sliding shut.

I watched Crowley for a moment, my mind still half clouded with alcohol and an after-sex haze. I didn’t want it to end…I wasn’t thinking just yet and I didn’t want to start. The ache was beginning to settle in, making me groan when I moved. Tearing my eyes off of Crowley I forced myself off the bed, grabbing a half-finished bottle of Jack Daniels from the bedside table before leaving the room. Never once looking back or saying a damn word. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to break the illusion that all this was was just amazingly good romp. That’s it…that’s all it’d ever be. And that I could somehow fool myself into thinking that I wasn’t in love with the demon.

Shuffling my way to the bathroom I took my time in the shower, drinking the whiskey while I washed sweat and sex off of me, letting my mind cloud. I didn’t try to think, didn’t want to and didn’t have a need to. Let myself get pleasantly dizzy, dulling even the pain I felt. It’d hurt a damn lot in the morning, I guessed, judging by the way Crowley had held me. More bruises I’d have to hide from Bobby too. At this point I’d be spending more money on makeup than booze.

What felt like an eternity later I finally stumbled out, leaving the nearly finished bottle on the counter, a towel wrapped around myself for warmth. Wanting nothing more than to crawl under the sheets and sleep. Sleep for a very long time. But walking to my room, I found that Crowley was still there. Laying underneath my sheets, arms behind his head and a slight smirk on his lips when he saw me.

“Get the hell out.” I murmured, my words half slurred together as I shuffled to the closet, careful not to sway.

“Lotus, you wound me with things like this. Make me feel so cheap.” Crowley mocked. But his words cut through me like a jagged knife, making me sneer as I found something to swear to bed.

“Oh…does it make you feel cheap?” I slurred, looking back at him with a venomous glare. “Cheap as a junk-yard, maybe?” he didn’t need it to be spelled out. I saw the frown that had creased Crowley’s forehead, making him sit up a little, arms down to his sides now. “Now get out…I want to sleep.” I murmured, walking to stand at the edge of the bed.

Either he was that quick or I was that drunk, but Crowley managed to wind his arm around my waist, tugging me almost harshly into bed beside him. Covers so damningly warm against my skin…he was warm too. And he was comfortable. The way he kept his arm around me, almost forcing me to his side…it was comfortable and warm and I just wanted to sleep. “Now, as much as I’d love to talk about this now I have a distinct feeling you might not remember a bloody thing when you wake up.” He murmured next to my ear, his lips pressing to my shoulder as he turned on his side. “So how about you get some sleep, hmm?”

“Can’t you just fucking leave?” I managed to say, words soft and drawn out. I didn’t want him here when I woke up, I didn’t want to talk about anything. I just wanted to leave this as it was.

Crowley’s fingers were on my chin, forcing my head to the side so I’d look at him. And even drunk, I saw how serious he looked. Odd…he wasn’t normally this serious, was he? “Love…we need to talk. Because at the rate you’re going I’m going to lose a dear friend.” He murmured, dipping his head down to kiss the corner of my mouth. I frowned, fingers on his arm, eyes trying to focus on the demon. A dear friend…was this how people treat friendships these days? “Now sleep.”

I grunted in response, turning my back to him. But his chest still pressed against me, arms around my stomach like he was reluctant to let go. “I just want you to go.” I managed one more time, eyes sliding shut easily.

He was so goddamn warm. Crowley’s lips pressed to the back of my neck, sending a shiver down the length of my spine. “Don’t make me force you into sleep, love.” He chuckled, his words vibrating against my skin.

It wasn’t hard to sleep. What with the alcohol running through my veins and the exhaustion from the sex…it wasn’t hard. I just wished that, once I did fall asleep, I wouldn’t have to wake. Because I didn’t want to talk to Crowley, I didn’t want to discuss a goddamn thing. I didn’t want to have feelings for him either, but apparently universe was becoming a little vendetta seeking bitch and I had somehow pissed it off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ....yeah....I've got nothin' guys.   
>  Thanks for being patient about this. Life just...sucks...in the worst way possible and I cannot seem to catch the smallest of breaks. But, I'm still writing :) So there's that at least....never mind the fact that its porn, apparently, but you know...what can ya do?  
> Also, if you'd like a soundtrack for this chapter just listen to Simon Curtis...basically anything by him...sets a romantic mood.   
> Thank you for the nice comments though, and the kudos. It pushes me to write more :) And does give me warm fuzzy feelings inside. I love you all!
> 
> ~xxx   
> Sylleth


	22. I'll Worship Like A Dog

I woke up with a distinct and terrible taste in my mouth, a thing I was never fond of after a night of drinking. And though I was lucky enough to avoid a pounding headache I did get the privilege of a nauseatingly terrible stomach ache. Not to mention other much more prominent aches. In my legs, my hips, my sides. And even before I noticed the weight of his arm around my waist or his soft breathing I remembered what I did. Not all of it, not fully that was for certain. But I remembered summoning Crowley…I remember my demanding. I remember his compliance and most of what followed.

A different sort of nausea made its way to me, making my lips turn down in a shameful cringe. It wasn’t bad enough that I loved him, I had to fuck him too. I had to act like a damned whore and…plead. Beg him for things that were now leaving me with a horrible disgusting feeling, like my very insides were unclean. And despite the warmth he radiated, the warmth of the blankets; I felt unusually cold.

His hold tightened around me, pulling me closer to press my back against his chest, lips warm and soft against my shoulder. My eyes opened a little to stare at the mattress, not wanting to move or acknowledge his existence. Maybe…maybe he’d go away? Maybe all of this would go away and I could just go back to sleep and forget.

“Starting early with the negativity, aren’t you darling?” Crowley murmured, his words almost slurred. Like he had been sleeping too. I remained quiet, not wanting to make a sound. Not even having anything to say. After all…it was I who called him. Curse him all I wanted, it wouldn’t change a thing. It would still be my fault, my fault for feeling, my fault for summoning him, my fault for kissing him. He sighed against my skin and I felt his legs stretch beside mine, a soft groan leaving his lips. “Would you like to eat something before we talk?”

“Talk about what?” I said quietly, the mention of food making my stomach churn unpleasantly. Food was something I’d be avoiding for the rest of the day, I had a feeling. Maybe even a few days if the feeling was persistent enough to linger.

“About your increasingly worsening and unhealthy self-hatred for an act that can’t be categorized as anything worse than being human, perhaps?” I almost chuckled at his wording, eyes closing again. I tried that already, I thought to myself. Tried telling myself it was only human, that I was no worse than any other person. But this wasn’t the same. This wasn’t like I had gone out to a bar and had a one night stand. I was…I loved the King of Hell…I loved him and I wanted him in every sense of the word. I wanted him in the sheets with me every damn night.

“What exactly is it to you how much I hate myself?” I replied instead. He wasn’t harsh with the movement, but within the second I found myself on my back, staring up at Crowley. Still undressed…it was weird seeing him like that and for a moment my eyes wandered around his bare chest and shoulders, mind almost not accepting not seeing a black suit in place. There were the few scars I saw before…tattoos his vessel had.

“Love, you cannot possibly be _that_ stupid, can you? You’re acting like an absolute twit, no better than those brothers you love so much.” He said, his voice a low rumble. It took a lot out of me to actually move my eyes up to his, to find it in me not to look away. No matter how much I actually wanted to.

Stupid…I was stupid for liking him in general. For having been nice, for helping him, for listening to him…for letting him wind me around his finger like some pathetic school-girl. I _was_ that stupid…I was a twit.

Crowley let out an exasperated sigh, lowering himself on his side, looking at me with a hint of annoyance in his eyes. “You may find this a bit hard to believe but I’m not exactly a man of many friends.” He said finally, his voice an exasperated drone. “The fact that I can come to you when I’m in a bit of trouble and rely on you not to cordially slit my throat is more than I can say about most of my acquaintances.”

“So I’m useful to you…and?” I replied, turning my head to look at him. Useful…that’s all I was. Just useful. Someone he could go to to let out some anger. To get fixed up. To use for whatever plan he had in his mind. Just a useful piece on a game board. Then again…it was more than I could’ve asked for, really.

“And I don’t like seeing my pets hurt.” He replied simply, a sort of sly grin spreading on his lips, as he reached out his hand to run his fingers along my cheek, pushing back loose strands of hair. “You hate yourself for liking me, I assume. Or is it for enjoying me? Both?”

_I hate myself for loving you_ , I thought to myself then burst into a quiet fit of laughter. “Can’t break free from the things that you do…” I hummed under my breath before letting out a sigh, eyes lingering on his. “You’re a demon, Crowley…and a bad one at that. Bobby’s soul was still damned and I didn’t even try to…to…persuade you somehow to give it back. Didn’t even think about it all that much, I was getting damn massages and dresses and going to parties.”

He rolled his eyes, irate expression on his face. Like I was being stupid for feeling guilty about not helping Bobby. “You didn’t stick your bloody nose where it didn’t belong, I see nothing bad about that.” It was my time turn to roll my eyes but I settled with another sigh, sinking lower under the sheets. What would he understand, anyways. He was bred to be without emotions, unlike humans. He was supposed to only look out for himself. “My point remains, darling, that you’re hating yourself for no bleeding reason other than to hate yourself. I’m starting to wonder if maybe you simply enjoy being like this.” Maybe he was right about that…maybe I was enjoying the misery.

“Well I can’t exactly love myself for screwing you now can I?” I replied dryly. But instead of Crowley giving up the conversation he only smirked, giving me a wink.

“Of course you should. Not everyone can say that they got the King of Hell in their bed now can they?” He quipped and I couldn’t help myself. I smiled and let out a short laugh, wanting to agree with him. The way he made it all sound, the way he said it….like it really was okay for me to be in bed with him. Maybe I was overthinking it all. I could leave it at good sex, right? Love or no love, this could end up being just a way for us to relieve stress.

Right?

“Why couldn’t you have gone screwed with someone else, hmm? I was perfectly happy living my life.” I said, though my voice was a little lighter than before, that self-hatred nausea easing away momentarily.

“Because you’re far too good of company.” He murmured, leaning forward to place a small kiss to my jaw, lips lingering too long to be entirely innocent.

“And the junkyard incident, hmm? You mean to tell me that was just good company?” I asked, eyes closing, words leaving my lips before I could think about them.

The shift was almost instantaneous. The way Crowley stiffened beside me, the mood around us shifting to something entirely unpleasant and cold. I shouldn’t have brought that up, I realized. That was a place that shouldn’t have been revisited. For either of our sakes. And here I was, stupid enough and actually sober to say it.

Crowley pulled back, making my eyes open to look at him. His expression colder than before, no hint of a smirk on his lips. “I think we can both-“

“No we both can’t.” I cut him off, though my words weren’t angry. I really wasn’t angry at him about that. It might have hurt but I wasn’t angry. He was a demon, after all. Pain was expected, anger outbursts. It was normal for him. Who was I to hold a grudge against that? “Look…I…I can’t say I _don’t_ like this…that I don’t like your company, I know I can’t say that because it’d be a lie and all that shit but…” I let out a heavy sigh, head sinking back into the pillow, eyes sliding shut just so I wouldn’t have to look at him for a reaction. “…but I am still human and _you_ can’t forget _that_ if this…whatever this is, is going to work.”

There was a heavy moment of silence that seemed to stretch for endless days. And in the time I really didn’t want to look at him again, didn’t even want to acknowledge the fact that we were _having_ this conversation. “What do you propose, then?” Crowley finally asked and I felt how he shifted in his spot, his leg brushing against mine again. Like he was letting me know he didn’t want to slit my throat just yet.

“I’m not asking for anything special. I mean, cards and flowers and all that? I’d shove it down your throat.” I replied, slight smile tugging at the corner of my lips. That much was true. Even if this wasn’t Crowley and a normal guy who I was in bed with; I wouldn’t want that. It was never for me, I didn’t like sappy words and sweet nothings and chocolates and jewelry. It was just…tasteless and tacky and disgustingly sweet. “Just remember that I have feelings, alright? You can’t toss me around like that and not expect me to try and drink all the liquor in South Dakota.”

It was a relief to hear the low rumble of Crowley’s chuckle, calloused fingers running along my neck, down my shoulder and my arm, leaving a trail of goose-bumps behind. “I suppose I can attempt to control my anger.” He agreed in a low voice, pressing small kisses underneath my jaw. In return I tilted my head back, drunk-like smile on my lips.

Maybe…just maybe we could make this work somehow? No, not a relationship. He’d never feel the same way as I did about him. But maybe I could have him…in some twisted, demented way I could have Crowley.

“Alright…no flowers…how about a heart? I always have so many go to waste.”

“ _Definitely_ no body parts! Of any sort!” I exclaimed with a short laugh, eyes opening to look up at the ceiling, feeling a disgusting sort of relief wash over me. I shouldn’t have felt relieved. I shouldn’t have been happy about this….I shouldn’t have…about any of this. Crowley was bad. There was no possible ending that would be good. No happy outcome. And yet I was _relieved_.

“Oh, come on love, have heart.” Crowley insisted, and laughed at his own pun in turn making me snort, and slap my hand over my mouth, turning my head to look at him. I shouldn’t laugh with a demon…but how could I not? And seeing him smile, seeing his smile actually reach his eyes and that wonderful spark in them, it was a sort of addiction.

“You’re the damn ruler of Hell and you’re making puns? Really? What will your demons think of you?” I managed to say before he was hovering above me, my wrists pinned to the mattress by his hands. And even now I felt in no immediate danger, I wasn’t scared, wasn’t worried. This was Crowley, after all. He could slit my throat and I wouldn’t mind.

“Who’s to say you’ll even be able to talk, hmm? I could slice that tongue of yours right out.” He threatened, or at least tried to.

In turn I arched my eyebrows, lips forming a small “o”. “ _My_ tongue? My dear sir, I think you like it a bit too much to cut it out.” I retorted, grinning up at him.

“I’ll wear it as a charm around my neck.” He replied with a quiet chuckle, dipping his head down. But I turned my head at the last moment, his lips connecting with my cheek instead, and made a face.

“Uh, don’t, I can _taste_ my breath and it is not something you want near your mouth.” I muttered in return and felt the vibrations of his laugh against my skin.

“I was bred in Hell, give off a distinct sulfur smell and you’re worried about _morning_ breath?” he murmured, pulling back a little, letting go of my wrist to take hold of my chin so he’d be able to turn my face toward him. “Do you think I give a bloody damn about that?”

I looked at him in a sort of amazement. The things he said in that junkyard, what he did, the way he looked at me. And the way he acted with me yesterday…all that, all the hurtful meaningless things he’s done, me sinking to the brink of alcoholism…and he was making me laugh about such a fucking stupid thing.

I was a child…a naïve child thinking things could be okay.

“No…but I do, now off, I need to brush my teeth.” I cackled, slipping my arm between us to push at his chest. Crowley fell beside me with a laugh, his arm winding around my waist in an attempt to pull me back.

“I’m the bleeding King of Hell! You’re supposed to bow to me!”

“I’ll get on my knees, right away sire.”

“You best not be joking with me, you twit.” He growled, arm tightening around me though I pushed back with a grunt and a laugh, nearly bolting out of bed, turning back to look at him with a wide grin. I couldn’t remember the last time I was actually happy. Or that I smiled, or found anything amusing. Even if that shadow did hang over me, like a reminder that nothing would ever be okay. No matter how much I pretended.

“Eventually.” I replied grabbing a sweatshirt to pull on, the morning chill starting to get extremely uncomfortable. Especially after the warmth of the bed.

Crowley fell back against my mattress, a grin on his face as he watched me, not being at all subtle about his wandering gaze. “So are we in agreement, darling?” he asked after a moment, slipping his arms behind his head, legs stretched out underneath the blankets. He looked almost like he belonged here, like this might have been his bedroom as well. “No more self-hatred, guilt? None of those dramatics?”

I cracked a smile, pulling on a pair of sweat-pants, eyes lingering on him for a moment. He made it sound so easy. Like I really _had_ just been trying to be dramatic. “Yeah, yeah…and no more pretending shit is alright when you use me for an anger outburst.” I retorted, pointing my finger at him.

Crowley chuckled, shifting slightly, his smirk unwavering. It was at this moment that I wondered what I loved about him…the way he looked or the way that he was? After all, for all I knew the real Crowley looked nothing like him. Fergus MacLeod. Maybe he was six feet something with red hair and freckles. But…it wouldn’t be Crowley if not for his personality. Then again, if he looked different, if he was a different gender or chosen a vessel thirty years older or younger than his current one…would I still love him?

“Of course, love.” He promised with a soft tone to his words.

I smiled at him, giving a satisfied nod, and left the room to use the bathroom and brush my teeth. The thoughts tried to worm their way in, tried to bring the guilt back. And truth was, those thoughts weren’t wrong. I should’ve been smarter, should’ve hated myself and told Bobby so maybe he could smack some sense into me. And instead I was making a deal with Crowley. To be with him, to do this with him. To have a relationship that wasn’t really a relationship. A promise not to hate myself so as not to inconvenience him. So he wouldn’t have to lose someone he could depend on should anything go wrong in his existence.

But I could live with that. Being useful to him, I could live with that. It was more than I could’ve wished for, more than I expected to have from him already. Besides, if he was to come to me and suddenly start telling me how much he loved me I’d be at a disgusting loss and would do everything in my power to find out what the hell had actually happened to the real Crowley. This was good. This meant he was still him and I could still go on being me…just more dependent on him, that’s all. And he did make things worth it. Yes there were aches in the morning, maybe some guilt and self-hatred. But I’d learn to work through that. It’d be worth it in the long run. The things he could make me feel, the way he could make me smile. It was worth it. I’d be naïve for him. I’d be stupid and I’d be childish to trust his word. But it’d be worth it.

A good ten minutes later I was in the kitchen, downing a few large glasses of water and checking the messages left behind from the night before. Nothing new, nothing immediate I needed to take care of. Bobby would be back soon, too. Though there was plenty of time for me to clean up and take my time doing so. When I made it back to my room Crowley was already sitting on the edge of my bed, a disapproving scowl on his face as he sifted through the messages on his phone, lips moving in silent curses.

“Everything alright?” I asked, leaving the door open as I went to sit beside him. He grunted in response, rubbing his eyes.

“Aside from brainless morons unable to follow through on some simple tasks; peachy.” Crowley grumbled in response, switching off his phone, looking at me with a slightly calmer gaze. “’fraid I’ll have to run, love.” He said, though I could hear the distaste in his voice.

“Just as well…I have things to clean up.” I replied with a slight shrug, and found that the next moment my lips were occupied with his, his fingers in my hair tugging gently at the roots making me forget all about what chores I had left or what sort of guilt I had earlier or really any rational thoughts that might have resided in my naïve mind.

By the time he pulled back I was left breathless and with my heart beating to a conga tune, blinking furiously and trying to remember if he already had the suit on when I walked in the room or if this was a very recent thing that occurred. “One for the road.” He quipped, his signature smirk spread across his lips as he stood. Straightening his tie and smoothing out wrinkles in his suit.

“Right…right.” I muttered, slowly smiling back at him, feeling like I was wonderfully stupid. He made me that way, and I loved so, so much. “Take care…don’t cut out too many hearts.”

He chortled, brushing his fingers along my cheek as I stared up at him, winked, and was gone without another word. I closed my eyes, smile still on my lips and his touch and taste lingering.

I’d make damn sure this would work…it had to. After all, he made me happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, things aren't too shabby anymore. We'll see how things go. A chapter from yet another country :D That's two different continents and three different countries that I've updated from, now.   
> Sorry for the wait, things had just gotten very, very bad. Actually, the majority of last week and the week before that was just one very long anxiety attack so writing wasn't on my mind all that much. But it looks like (and I'm keeping my fingers crossed) that things are evening out enough for me to get back into the rhythm of updating weekly. Give me a little while but I think I should be good!  
> Thank you for the wait and thank you for still reading and for all the new readers and everything else. It means a lot. And the encouragement was more than what I got from people around me so that alone meant enough to make me a bit teary-eyed. Again; thank you. An infinite amount.
> 
> ~XXX  
> Sylleth


	23. I Pick My Poison And It’s You

Things weren’t all too bad for me, anymore. The so called self-hatred for my infatuation with Crowley was lessening each day, my relationship with Bobby was coming back to normal, and I even got a job. It wasn’t much, a rather boring office job of cataloging orders and such. But it sure as hell helped the bills. Even if Bobby wasn’t one to complain about money. Really, if we ever got desperate enough there were always the scams. But, think it silly or not, we did try to live by the law. It most helped things in the long run, kept us off the police radar. And I was happy to help. Happier even more so to find some sort of purpose other than keeping Crowley company. Even if he hadn’t showed up for a while. He kept me up to date with short texts. Ones that made me grin like such a foolish idiot when I read them.

They weren’t anything meaningful or worthy of remembering. A dirty comment or a joke. But I’d respond almost immediately and be left with a feeling like a high-school girl with a crush on some teacher or older student. Giggling and blushing and remembering our last time together. Not even allowing the thoughts of guilt to try and weasel their way through in my mind. That could come later. Much, much later. Right now I was happy and for once I would be selfish and let that be the only thing to matter to me.

Crowley and I were…we were something alright. Something I was pretty sure Bobby was trying to ignore. What with the sort of interactions we’d have when the demon was over. Not that I blamed Bobby, to be perfectly honest. If I had half a shred of decency I would have locked me away into the panic room. But then someone like Bobby wouldn’t exactly be thinking that I’d be stupid enough to have an affiliation with a demon. Especially a demon named Crowley.

I didn’t care too much, if I was honest. Stupid, I agree, but when I was with him…things were different. The way Crowley made me feel, and not only in the sheets. How he’d talk how he made me think. Even when I had stupid ideas he’d still muse them. Crowley had a way of making me feel like I wasn’t entirely stupid. Like I wasn’t just some wanna-be hunter or researcher, like I wasn’t  _worthless_. And yet, at the same time, he made me feel  _usable_. As if I was a pastime to him and nothing more. As if…if I died and was wiped off this earth he wouldn’t bat a single eyelash. I think that’s why I never minded him showing up. There was neither the pressure of pretending to be smart nor hardcore around him. With Crowley, there was just…in the moment. Because when I was with him, I didn’t have to pretend or think about the future. I could just shut my mind down and enjoy stupid jokes and prods and the sex.

Making me moan and scream and bite into his shoulder when we were the only beings in the house. When he’d make me plead him and cling to him like he was my only answer to life. Only to lay with me afterward more often than not, making stupid jokes and perverted comments and telling me morbid stories he thought were hilarious. Letting me cling to him and rest against him. I couldn’t say anything bad about Crowley. He was generous. He let me cuddle him and he’d kiss my forehead and make me feel almost as though we could’ve been in a relationship. I think, though, it was a sort of relationship. One that neither of us did or ever would admit to. 

 

“Have you seen the Abyss?” Matthew asked while I sat on the desk, bidding my time to leave. It wasn’t so bad when Matthew was working late shifts. We got along well, our interests and hobbies seemed to match,  _especially_  where movies were concerned. So whenever I was working the late shift, I’d stick around and talk to him. With him, there wasn’t ever a problem in doing so.

“It’s the old movie, same guy who made Alien, isn’t it?” I asked, wracking my mind to find memories of the movie. It was familiar and yet, somehow, I couldn’t  _quite_  grasp at particular scenes of the movie.

“Yeah, I think so. Sci-fy movie about deep-sea explores.” Matthew said.

I frowned a bit before grabbing my phone, looking up a trailer for yet another movie he had mentioned. We had been at this for the past half hour or so, showing each other trailers and videos off of Youtube. With hardly any managers around, we usually found ways to pass our last few hours of work with a bit more interesting things than shuffling paperwork. “Abyss….Abyss trailer, is it this one?” I asked, showing him a thumbnail of a trailer.

Matthew leaned over me, his finger brushing down my phone to look at the other options before returning to the one I had pointed to. “I think so,” he said, choosing the video.

I liked spending time with Matthew. He was odd in a sense, and looked intimidating, What with his height and build and beard, you’d think him a Viking, or at least some sort of metal-head, which he coincidentally was. When I first started work, I thought he was unapproachable and for the longest time didn’t think him anything more than an acquaintance. Hell, around him I’d try to act cooler than I actually was just so I wouldn’t get some sort of mocking scoff for getting excited about a new Pixar movie. Yet we grew on each other, our ideas and interests; they were similar. He had a girlfriend, I knew, and I had Crowley who…though not a boyfriend, he was something more than just a demon that I knew. So it worked. We’d go for drinks after work and we’d talk comic books and movies when we could. It turned out, as it may be, that he actually enjoyed animated films as much as I did.

Seeing a grown man, six-foot-something with a beard and an Airborne t-shirt flip his lid over a sequel to a dragon cartoon was definitely an eye-opener.

“You’re breathing on me, you freak.” I told him quietly as I watched the trailer to Abyss, a grin on my lips. He blew on my neck purposefully before pulling back, instead sitting beside me.

I wondered, idly, if Crowley weren’t in the picture if I would be more than friends with Matthew. Or, if at the very least, I’d be smitten by him. I was already, on some level, but it was a thing I never thought about too much. Hell, I didn’t even want to with having Crowley. Still, there was no denying that sometimes we’d sit a little too close to each other or laugh at things that weren’t that funny or make stupid jokes when drinking.

“I’ll have to watch this, this Friday.” I said as the trailer came to an end and I turned my phone the right side up. It buzzed as I clicked the lock button, Crowley’s name flashing momentarily on the screen.

“I can’t believe you haven’t seen it.” Matthew sighed dramatically, shaking his head as if I had committed one of the deadly sins.

I looked up at him with a glare. “Really? You’re pulling that card, mister-I-haven’t-seen-Princess Mononoke?” I drawled, turning to grab my bag so I could gather my things. If Crowley was messaging me, maybe there was a potential meeting soon? The rational bit of me told me to stay with Matthew and enjoy my time with someone human and  _normal_  for a change. The part of me that I actually listened, however, had me logging me off my computer within the minute.

“I don’t watch anime stuff.” He shrugged, crossing his arms over his chest.

 “You’re weak and natural selection is coming for you…don’t watch anime...unbelievable.” I murmured under my breath.

He chuckled, standing when I had my bag slung over my shoulder, to walk me to the door before he went back to finish his work. “Yeah, yeah. Next time I’m high and out of things to watch I’ll look it up.” He said, though it was a promise he had made ages ago.

“I’ll hold you to that.” I said as sternly as I could, which wasn’t much of an impact what with my smiling and all. “See you tomorrow, yeah? We still on for lunch?” I asked before clocking out.

He nodded, holding the door open for me as I ducked under his arm. “Yeah, my treat. You’re gonna love the wrap I get you, trust me…your stomach may not but your taste buds will.” he promised with a wide and friendly smile.

“I’ll bring the Pepto-Bismol then.” I joked, reaching for my phone so I could check the message Crowley had sent me.

“Alright, go already. Don’t get too drunk.” He called as I stepped out into the cool evening air.

“No promises!” I called back, a usual goodbye for us. He waved as I walked to my car, unlocking my phone.

Before I even had a chance to reach for my keys I had stopped in my tracks, staring at the message on my screen.

_I’m desperate for a drink and could use some eye-candy. Mind joining me?_

I chuckled as I typed back a message, saying I was just leaving work and was more than happy for him to come get me in a little bit. However, Crowley disregarded the bit where I wanted to get home and change, or at least park my car, and instead decided to scare me half to death and pop up in my passenger seat as I slid my keys into the ignition.

“How about right now?” he asked, a mischievous smirk on his lips. I let out a slow breath, eyes closing momentarily as I eased my fingers off the steering wheel.

“You’re gonna give me a heart attack if you keep doing that.” I said, shooting him a scowl. Or as much of one as I could, what with my insides bubbling with excitement of seeing him again. It truly was amusing how quickly he made me act like an idiot. Even  _I_  had to admit to it.

“Really? All the better, it just means I’ll get to have fun with you in  _my_  realm.” He purred, his eyes travelling from my eyes down to my chest, my stomach, all the way down to my legs. About a month ago that would’ve made me blush all sorts of shades of red. Now…well…it still made me blush all sorts of red.

“You honestly believe I’d be in  _your_  domain?” I said instead, sitting back in my seat, turning my body ever so slightly toward him.

“Darlin’, you’ve done things that would make a whore blush…and with the King of Hell no less.” He said, his voice low and utterly captivating. My mind flashed to memories in bedrooms and on kitchen tables, of looking up at him as he murmured my name. If I died, I should be so lucky to join him downstairs. “Now, to the matter of drinks,” Crowley said, changing his demeanor as easily as a person changed their shirt.

“I suppose I can’t ask to go home first, can I?”

“Of course you can,” he said, theatrically shocked at my statement. “However, I  _will_  ignore the request.” In an instant I was sitting on something much softer than my car seat, and Crowley had an absolutely gut-wrenching playful smile on his lips.

“You’re a child.” I laughed, settling in comfortably on his sofa. He had taken me to this particular office more than once, even showed me around the mansion that it was located in. No expenses spared on the luxuries or style that would make the characters of Mad Men drool.

“What would you like to drink, my love?” He asked standing up. I thought for a moment, slipping my shoes off and scooting the pair to the side with my feet.

“I feel like rum, tonight.” I thought aloud, leaning my head back against the leather seat. “Something not spiced, please.”

I heard him pour the drinks, the quiet clink of ice being dropped in a glass, no doubt Craig for himself. “You have no idea how much I need this drink.” He murmured, his back still turned to me.

I cocked my head to the side, watching him, the slight movements of cutting a slice of a lemon to squeeze into his drink. It was funny how well I had memorized his routine of simple tasks, like pouring himself a drink. “Tell me,” I said simply.

He turned back with two drinks in his hands, taking a sip from one glass as he walked to me. “Let’s just say that my plan isn’t going nearly as well as I would like.” Crowley replied. And in the split moment I could see his weariness. He didn’t show that side too often. In fact, I don’t think he realized he let it slip once in a while. But from time to time I would catch him looking tired, worn out from his duties and whatever project it is that he was working on. Quite frankly speaking; the less I knew the better. “Those bloody boys aren’t making things easier.” He added under his breath before taking another drink.

I took my glass, waiting for his rant as he began to pace across the office, hand in his pocket, drink in the other. If I tuned out what he was saying I could pretend he was complaining about the drop in the market or his receptionist. He certainly had the look of the sort of man. “You’d think things would get easier, what with me being King. Instead I get a bunch of  _idiots_  working for me. They come to me complaining about their bleeding rights. As if I could be bothered with them!”

“Well, you know what they say; sometimes you do what you want, the rest of the time you do what you have to.” I said nonchalantly, taking a sip from my glass. Whatever brand of rum it is that he poured for me; it was good.  _Exceptionally_  good.

Crowley turned to me with a slight frown. “Are you quoting Gladiator?”

“Yes…yes I am.”

For a moment I thought that he might actually take offense in it, or at least reprimand me. Instead He smiled, chortled, and continued his pacing. “You are right…but it isn’t that. I didn’t expect this to be easy. However I did expect it to be a bit more…organized, I suppose. Or at the very least I expected things to smooth out.” He admitted, stopping in his tracks for a moment to take a drink.

“It’s hardly been a year,” I reminded him. “You can’t expect things to just flip the right side up in that time. Especially with your project going on and all.”

Crowley grunted in response, finishing his drink as he walked to his bar for a refill. “Sometimes I wish I would’ve just stuck with my plan and stayed disappeared.” He said.

This wasn’t the first time he had said that, nor would it be the last, I guessed. In fact, when around me, Crowley voiced his regret in being King often. And yet he never once thought about truly stepping down. I knew he liked it; he liked the rule and the power, despite minor annoyances and issues he had to deal with. He enjoyed being  _King_. And I enjoyed seeing him as such. A perfect villain. One who didn’t seek global domination, a comic book villain who didn’t pursue the heroes to destroy them but rather became the annoyed ally just to keep them on a leash.

“You know you couldn’t do that.” I said simply, taking a drink. “You’d get bored within the week.”

He cracked a smile, stopping his pacing in front of me. “You know me so well.” Crowley mused, making me laugh.

“Oh, come on.  _Everybody_  knows that. You’re a hella King, and yes, pun intended.” I said with a smile. “And you enjoy the trouble as much as it annoys you.”

He walked to the sofa, sitting beside me, and I turned to face him properly as he draped his arm behind my shoulders. “I suppose I do. All I’m saying is; things could be easier with the boys out of the picture. Or for my diplomacies to go a tad smoother.”

“Isn’t that the complaint of every leader?” I asked, nudging his leg with mine. “Come on, admit it, having the title as King of Hell makes it worthwhile.”

“You make it sound so simple, love.” He replied, taking a long drink of his whiskey. I only smiled in response. I made it sound simple because I could pretend to be stupid. I could afford to  _be_  simple around him. There was enough difficulty in the real world without making it complex with him of all people.

“I call it as I see it.” I said simply.

For a minute Crowley just watched me, his eyes calculating. Like he was considering his next words carefully. “What about you, love? What have you been up to?”

The words were innocent enough. However his tone was what made goosebumps rush down my spine. As if he knew something I didn’t, making me feel like I had somehow done wrong by him and he was asking for a confession. My mind darted to Matthew for a moment. I  _had_  been going out for drinks with the guy, and talking and messaging him at times. But our conversations, our texts; they were innocent enough. Aside from joking about with the flirting, we really were simply friends.

Weren’t we?

“Same old, same old.” I replied, taking a slow drink to bid my time. “Work, home, work, research. I almost got Bobby to watch Two Girls One Cup video the other day, but that’s an entirely different story.” I said, smiling wide, hoping to distract Crowley just a little from my new found friend.

“Nothing new to tell me?” He pressed, proving my tactic to be completely and utterly useless.

I sighed, trying to look exasperated and annoyed. “You mean my coworker?” I asked. Beating about the bush might have even made things worse. If I confronted him about the issue maybe he would be more willing to accept my answer. I dreaded to think what he could do if he got jealous. Or if he even got the hint of a reason to hurt a person. Crowley cocked an eyebrow, not saying one word in response. So I sighed and finished my drink, setting the empty glass on the floor. I straddled his lap as I had done a number of times before, hooking my arms around his shoulders, fingers linking loosely around the back of his neck. “Crowley…you have literally made me beg you. Do you honestly believe someone at work could make so much as reconsider you?” I asked.

He gave a slight shrug of his shoulder, his free hand now on my hip, fingers digging painfully into my skin. I preferred that. I’d rather he cause me pain, make me beg him again and have me tell him who I wanted than hurt Matthew. Because in a nauseating way, I knew that it was what he was thinking. That Crowley was just waiting for a reason. In his current demise, the troubles he was having, having some sort of control would suit him. No matter the kind, even if it easily obtained. I knew he wanted it, to feel all-powerful. And what better way than eliminating any potential “competition”? He would get exactly what he wanted.

“There’s no harm in inquiring is there, my dear?” He asked, though his words were venomous, dangerous even. Like he was wordlessly warning me to stop whatever it is that I was having with the boy.

Perhaps I should have trusted my gut from the start. Stayed away from the demon King. Stayed away from everything that I was taught to fight and kill. I should have kept Crowley as nothing more than a fantasy, a blissful dream that would eventually fade to nothingness. Instead I had followed hormones…I literally followed a teenage part of me that simply wanted to fuck. And now, straddling his lap, I felt powerless…I felt as if I was neck deep in shit; guilty and idiotically  _horny_. Because I wanted Crowley more than I had ever wanted anyone. Even now, even when he was threatening me with a simple play of his words, I wanted him. And knowing that I was allowed that, that he was dealing what I was craving, made me desperate all the more.

“I hate you for it,” I murmured, lips hardly moving as I locked my eyes with his. “But you’re truly the only thing on my mind.”

His fingers squeezed even harder on my hip, sure to leave bruises. “Good…here I thought I would have to remind you.” Crowley smirked.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys,
> 
> I'm sorry. I'm honestly and truly sorry for the absence. I've just had multiple family deaths, I had my grandmother lose her leg out of the blue (quite literally woke up one morning to find that she had been hiding her toe decaying and had the leg removed that afternoon to keep from the infection spreading) my grandfather who just lost his wife of nearly sixty years to cancer lose his sight and get heavily impaired hearing, my brother being drafted into the army (Because apparently that's still a thing in my country) and my parents all but losing their mind. I've basically had non-stop nightmares assuming I sleep at all and spent a good few months doing a liter of vodka every few days, A habit I realized I couldn't afford, losing my job due to contracts being cut, getting a new job that has be working seven-eight days a week with no overtime pay and night shifts and my first and only romance being absolutely one sided and just outright bad. 
> 
> All in all; I've had a hell of a time. A low I never thought I'd hit but I did. 
> 
> I'm dealing with it, hence the writing, but at the time I honestly considered suicide on a daily basis and just had no want to write or read or draw or do anything other than drink or sleep. 
> 
> All the new reviews, all the support that I got; I can't thank you enough. In the end; it truly pushed me forward. So thank you. Thank you all so much for waiting, for being kind and supporting. I promised I'd not give up on this without at the very least letting you know and I intend to keep that promise. I apologize again, so so much. I love you all for still following the story. 
> 
> XXX
> 
> ~Sylleth


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